Confessions of a Female Spanko Sub

Yes, Patty is a woman who lives in a domestic discipline relationship ~ and quite happily, thank you very much.

It may not even seem that astonishing to you, to hear that a woman would find happiness in such a relationship. But what may seem remarkable to you, is that Patty, is rather like many women. She’s not some ‘ scary freak’ living outside the confines of society. She’s as ‘normal’ & functional as your next door neighbor, the clerk at the grocery store, the secretary in the cubicle next to you...

What is remarkable about this woman, to me, is her willingness to share the reality of her lifestyle, her relationship, her life.

Patty, please tell us a bit about yourself ~ & your relationship.

I'm in my early forties, a mom with a career in healthcare management. In my younger years I was a competitive gymnast, and avid hiker and climber. I met my husband on an Outward Bound course when I was 17. He was 24, with the sexiest cowboy accent, and sleek athletic body that I'd ever heard in my life. Being a nubile teen I tormented the heck out of him, and lucky for me he responded. We were married 10 months later. I was a virgin on my wedding night. He was my first and remains my only. In May we will celebrate our 27th anniversary.

My youngest son is off to MIT this year, so I'm suffering a little with empty nest, and bursting a lot with pride and a bit of a sense of accomplishment as a mom.

On a serious note, I'm a breast cancer survivor, and have spent the better part of the last year trying to find productive ways to adapt to the loss of our oldest son to a drunk driver in Nov 2003. So far so good on both fronts thanks to the strength and support I enjoy from my husband family and friends.

How would you best describe your relationship? Is it more role play, or is it a lifestyle?

It's lifestyle I guess. Spanking began in a very unPC way between us with my husband 'resorting' to it out of frustration and exasperation. He had no idea in the beginning that he was falling right into every masturbation fantasy I'd ever had as a teen. When I think of the buttons I pushed in those early years to 'make' him spank me I cringe. About 5 years in, when the sexual tension of spanking was getting too tangled with the really toxic and relationship destroying dynamics of what it took to make him spank me we had one of those wake up and smell the coffee moments. I told the truth about my sexual secret fantasies, and so did he. That's when spanking became a truly great part of our sex lives.

The submission and domination aspects of our bedroom play is a lot easier to describe and explain in a way that non D/s and spankos can grasp than the role it plays in our non-sexual lives, but it's there too. Even though I have an executive position in my job and do well as an effective if not so nasty 'ball buster', I live comfortably and happily with my husband as the leader in our household. It's in the way our personalities have woven together and compliment each other I guess.

We play with domination and submission, bondage and spanking as an enriching part of our sex lives. We also occasionally use spanking as a tool to exhaust some of the negative energies that come with relationship stressors. We've decided that we practice a living form of a lifestyle called Domestic Discipline. I get spanked when I am responsible for stress between us, and while some people may look superficially on that as "she gets punished for being bad" or "he punishes her when she's bad," that view is very far from the reality. It is much closer to we prefer to tackle the interpersonal relationship 'crap' head on as soon as it happens. We do it by talking it out, laying each other's hurt feelings on the table, sweeping them away, and then taking all the lingering negative energy and channeling it into my bare backside where it will transform from something divisive into something we can use for renewal.

The lifestyle submission and domination part is even harder to explain I think. Especially in today's world of equality among the sexes. I stay away from the 'equality' debate if I can, because the nuances of what I prefer to think of as the real relationship is more important I think. Finding a healthy balance of relative strengths and weaknesses is a better goal than being equal, in my opinion. Being submissive is a very powerful role, and a submissives dominant match even more so.

Can you explain in more detail the problem before you two discussed your fantasies?

Well, my husband was raised to be "the man" in a staid old Irish immigrant TX ranch community & family. Not iron fisted or anything, but fairly strict in terms of what was acceptable behavior for adults, women and children. So that lays some ground work. On top of that he himself had a powerful sexual interest in the idea of spanking; one that he, like me, kept hidden and felt ashamed of. Let's just say that given enough provocation, the willingness and tendency to choose spanking as an action simmered just below the surface. All it needed was a signal that it might be effective and some comfort level that it would be unlikely to create repercussions for him.

For me, it didn't take very long at all to realize that saying certain things and pushing certain buttons made him say and do things that were like fuel for my deepest secrets desire. Pretty much every spanko I've talked with will tell you the same thing. There are certain words and phrases, there's a tone or inflection of voice, and facial expressions and demeanor that are very powerful. A simple 'watch your step missy' spoken with a bit of a growl, and a raised left eyebrow will light my fire in an instant. The sensation is very physical, an electric pulse, almost, that shoots right through me, makes my fingers prickle with pins & needles, my butt skin crawl and my groin clench.

It took me only three days from the first time I met Fred to push his buttons enough that he chased me down and spanked me the first time. Two things happened with that. Subconsciously, my secret spanko discovered that she could get spanked. And consciously, me, the ordinary normal person got a taste of how the reality differs from the fantasy. I really liked Fred. That I had a major crush on him barely describes how I felt at the time. I had basically decided he was way out of my league, and some of my ‘bratty’ tactics came out of that crushed feeling. After I’d made him that mad, I was mortified, positive that he'd for sure write me off and hate me now, and disgusted with myself for being so childish. That and having someone who is really angry take his belt to your shorts really hurts a lot.

Even so, we made up pretty quickly. He felt like a 'creep' for reacting that way, I felt ashamed for doing what I did. We apologized and life moved on. But a cycle started. My crush became much more powerful and amazingly he took an interest.

Long periods of calm and easy friendship, budding love etc. eventually moved into periods of annoyance, stress and tension. The same is true for all couples I think. Tension would build up. I'd say things and get flip and sarcastic, he'd say things back. Inevitably he'd issue a warning or two. My inner spanko would wake up and instead of backing off, like normal people who love their partner, I'd push harder... and harder and harder, until he did exactly what my spanko wanted him to do, spank the heck out of me. Then again, he'd feel like a creep and I would feel deeply ashamed. This happened twice before we got married. So I knew going into the marriage that I had a husband who could and would spank. After we were married it kept happening.

The cycle of enjoying calm and quiet as a couple, interspersed with normal tensions and disagreements, all of that was exactly like any other couple, except our fights would culminate in me pushing him so hard he would reach that last straw and utter frustration point and there I would be over his knew with my ass bare.

We are both adamant that this was not healthy, and while the dynamic differs subtly from what happens in abusive relationships, it was not by much. Because deep inside me was this secret person who wanted that spanking. It was much more stressful than it needed to be though.

The sexual tension of needing and wanting that spanking pushed me to say and do things that are just not right or fair in a relationship. I hated myself, yet I couldn’t stop myself when it got right down to the snow ball rolling. Fred hated himself too. It really messed with his sense of himself as a loving husband and evolved modern man that he could be pushed to act out so physically. But the spankings always worked immediately to put a stop to the crap & tension. The calm and peace they would induce were like the effects of a narcotic.

In between, I was content with the memory of the physical spankings and his amazingly sexy “you’re going to get it now” persona when they happened. I’d even masturbate sometimes thinking about them. The thing is, the fantasy has none of the negative stuff in it; none of the angry feelings, none of the acrimony and heartache. The fantasy is just the memory or thoughts about the sexually charged parts of it. I could go months and months without getting spanked. But the underlying secret need was always there ready to be triggered.

Until you face it and own up to it, there is so much shame with knowing you have this kink, and fearing you’re abnormal with it, that even when it was out there in practice between us in the way it was, my husband and I were still hiding from it. And it took a toll.

I began to become very afraid of him, because it started getting too easy to set him off, and he began to get resentful because I’d helped turn him into someone he didn’t like being. It all came to a head one long weekend when we were hiking the Appalachian Trail near Stowe VT. I was tired, he wouldn’t slow down, he made some comment I didn’t like, I picked up and threw a hunk of wood or something at him & caught him square in the back of the head. His temper went off, and he took a hastily torn switch to me. He hurt me like he never had before and scared himself and me to a point where we were both reduced to a puddle of tears. We left the trail, and got a room at the Grey Gabbles Inn, and spent the next four days talking about us, our future, what we were doing to each other and how afraid we both were that we would loose each other if we didn’t smarten up.

That’s when it all came out. How I had sexual fantasies about getting spanked, and he had fantasies about spanking. I still remember how scared I was making that confession. I was sure he’d be so disgusted he’d never see me the same again, and he felt the exact same fear. It’s a very tender and sweet memory, at the same time I still feel that trembling insecurity like it happened only an hour ago.

So, what to do now? We’d woken up to the awareness that there was a lot of hidden sexuality going on and fueling the dynamic we’d developed, but there was no way it could be allowed to continue like that. It just cost too much emotionally and psychologically.

We agreed to start playing with spanking just for its sexual twist. In fact we did it that weekend and it was amazing. With a warm up and good natured banter, I found I could take a very hard and very long spanking, and sex after was extremely intense and better than ever; which says a lot, because sex has always been great for us. Fred found he liked spanking me much, much more when he knew I liked it and there was nothing at stake but a terrific orgasm or two or three.

The other thing we did was talk over the really nasty cycle that was mostly fueled by my bad temper. I’m the one who said that I really didn’t want him to stop spanking me for serious things. I felt like I still needed and wanted that, only I was afraid of him when he got so mad. I asked him if he would consider spanking sooner, before he got so mad that he spanked as a reaction. This was the hardest thing we had to talk over. He wasn’t really OK with the idea, because he didn’t like how it made him feel. Sex and mutual enjoyment of the kink felt much better than the serious stuff did. The whole abusive husband thing had him very spooked. He pointed out that when I was in a temper, I was not inclined to be reasonable, and that if he put a stop to it by threatening to spank I would fight him on it and he didn’t want to go back there again. He was right of course, and we had a lot more talking to do.

Finally we came up with a plan we thought was workable and agreed to revisit it anytime a problem came up where it got tested, after we put it in action that is. So we wrote out our goals together as a couple and agreed that I would continue to get spanked for serious things only if it was something that went counter to the goals we’d written together. In the meantime, we’d add spanking to our bedroom play as often as the spirit moved us to. It was almost a year before I got another serious spanking, but I probably got more than a hundred nice hard sexy ones in between. Everything changed for us that weekend. We fell back into like with each other, and although we never fell out of love, it seemed to deepen and get stronger after that.

I’m sure this is kind of overwhelming for readers, it’s not the way any couple should go about it either. We’re very lucky we made it past our secrets and got them out.

Patty, please explain how you incorporate spankings into your sex life...

If he feels frisky, he’ll do something like stride up and loom over me and put on this sexy ‘stern’ attitude. He’ll tease me that I’m “cruising for a bruising,” or I’m “asking for a good spankin’,” or something like that. Usually that’s all it takes and I’ll run with it. Sometimes I play bad girl right back at him, other times I’ll object and beg for mercy on my butt. Either way I’m getting one.

If I feel like I’d like a spanking and some sex, I do silly things like tape my panties to the monitor on his computer in the den with a post it that says “I’m not wearing these, wanna do something about it?” Or I put a picture of my bare bum up as the wallpaper on the screen and add the marquee screensaver with some phrase that says “I dare ya” or something equally provocative. Pinching his chest hair will get him going, and the mere mention of me spanking him is a very spank-able offense and a guaranteed way to invite him to play.

We can even diffuse mild bickering, by shifting gears with it so it ends up with him warning me to back off and me wickedly laughing it off and getting spanked and then us having sex just because I was a little sassy. I think that’s my favorite really.

Fred is also really great at planning “scenes” and dates where we will play with spanking and submission. For our 25th anniversary he set up a whole 4 day get away at a bed and breakfast ranch in the TX Hill Country. He rented an old wood cabin on a real working ranch complete with horses, and we spent the whole time sort of playing out the Bad Cowgirl and the Stern Cowboy. Not really, but it was neat the ways we found to play with spanking. I got a birching in the woods out on the riding trail! Let’s just say we had sex with spanking three or four times each of the four days we were there.

How do you, personally, separate the sexual spankings, from the DD? If spankings are a turn on for you, don't you find yourself wanting to be 'bad' or upset him, just for the thrill?

I may not be typical of most women who thrive in a DD lifestyle. For me, spanking is always going to be sexy on some level no matter why it happens. And we’ve adapted past the spanking for “punishment” context almost completely. If I create stress in our lives, I will be spanked, but the spanking isn’t really to punish me, as much as it is to cleanse all the crap and negativity away. Before my pants come down and I bend over his lap, we’ve already talked it out and made up. The spanking is more like a “paid” stamp on the resolution of a problem. My husband really doesn’t punish me anymore. We’ve gotten very pragmatic about the reality that “shit happens,” relationships have cycles of good and bad, I have a nasty temper that is going to surface now and then. He’s not my keeper, he’s not going to change me or fix me or teach me any lessons, because essentially I’m not broken, and I learn quite well on my own. What we use spanking for in those situations is mainly a pressure relief valve.

These “serious” spankings are different than the sexy play, in that he spanks hard with no warm up, usually I cry, often before it starts. We almost always have a fairly long conversation about what’s gone wrong and how feelings were hurt etc. before the spanking starts, although sometimes we have that conversation after. The spanking hurts a lot, he always uses a paddle or a brush, there’s no stroking or wandering fingers. There’s just to-the-point spanking until he thinks I’ve had enough, or knows I can’t take any more. After it’s over we always hug and cuddle and talk. Sometimes we end up having kind of sweet reassuring, “we’re still in love and everything is OK” sex, other times he just holds me until I get into that calm “all better now” place.

This may not be how every DD couple do things, but it’s what we find works best for us.

Can you try to explain a bit more how this is not abusive? Describe the power exchange.

Well, I believe that each partner is equal in terms of value and importance in a relationship. Our needs deserve and should have equal attention, and both opinions matter. But people are not equal in terms of strengths and weaknesses. And at some point in the case of disagreement, if you want to be able to move forward someone has to give and the other take control. Some prefer to call that compromise, and it is, but they’ll argue that there was any give instead of acknowledge that there must have been. People worry too much that there’s something unworthy about being the one who gave in, instead of realizing that it’s essential. 99% of the time the side the cards fall on, whose opinion took the upper hand is going to be the one who is stronger, unless you have a toxic balance. The hard part is keeping focus on not letting the balance become toxic. When the power exchange becomes selfish and one sided it becomes abusive.

Fred is better at decisions and standing firm once they’re made than I am. He just is. So, I let him own that role. He had to earn it, and has to keep the implicit trust it requires. He doesn’t make self centered decisions. We always talk over important things, and he usually decides to go with what I want, mainly because we usually want the same things. When he doesn’t he explains why, and it’s very rare that I can’t ultimately see and concede his point.

I see our family in much the same way I do a sports team:. There’s one Captain and a co-captain. My strengths are in supportive things. I’m a better negotiator than he is, I counsel better etc. In raising our kids for example, I’m the one who listened and talked and helped them sort out problems, he’s the one who put his foot down and made it clear that it was time to move forward. I’ll talk and think a thing to death and he’d veto an idea before exploring it, together things get talked over and then when it’s all been said, he’ll stamp it closed and move us all along. As a team we made much better parents than either of us would have alone.

I think where people get bogged down is in thinking that a submissive is a lesser being than a dominant, when in reality they are two opposite strengths that together are more than they are apart. A living power exchange needs trust, respect and balance. From the outside looking in it may seem like one has the upper hand, when in reality both share it, one by taking the role of leader, the other by taking the role of supporter.

Also, some claim that a sub has all or most of the control. Do you agree, disagree?

In a lifestyle relationship between committed partners, for us at least, I disagree. I think the balance I tried to describe above is more important. The submissive has to trust the dominant, and the dominant has to maintain that trust at all costs. Fred needs to be able to test the limits of my submission or there’s no sexual energy for our dynamic to use for fuel. To do that he has to keep the upper hand (LOL pun intended).

In spanking or BDSM play, where people who may be strangers get together for spanking or D/s fun, absolutely, the bottom is in implicit control. But these people are playing with Top/bottom, or Dominant/submissive roles. They don’t necessarily know each other well, and they’ve made a limited investment in establishing the trust where limits can be tested safely without the bottom or submissive having the power to put a stop to the play or put restrictions on it.

I don’t like to play where there’s no edge in it for me. Part of the excitement is that Fred can and might go farther than I think I can. I don’t want to have control in any way shape or form. But, you have to remember we’ve been together almost 27 years, we’ve made mistakes and discovered we can get past them and our ability to enjoy D/s and spanking play doesn’t go away or get ruined by them - He’s been selfish and we learned how that felt and why that’s not good for the play. He also knows my body very well and because he has “punished” me where the spanking is intended to put closure on a serious issue, he knows what “too much” looks and feels like when he’s doing it.

Explain, as best you can, how spanking arouses you. Is it the pain? His control? Both? How do you think it all 'works' for you?

Both. Spanking, the whole dynamic of getting firmly told I’m going to get it, having to take my pants down and submit to it, anticipating it! Pain itself isn’t initially sexual for me, but once my backside is warmed up, and I’m turned on all the way, it is a very sexual thing. Pain stops being pain and more will bring me to climax. Submission is another thing that I find very sexy too. I enjoy the feeling that comes with overcoming myself and my resistance to doing something just because I was told to, or doing something because he knows it may make me feel uncomfortable. Some of my favorite and most sexy games are ones where spanking is a remote threat, and I do things because he tells me too. A couple of weeks ago we had a submission day, where I went to work with a slim skirt on but no panties. I had ben wa balls and a bullet vibrator inside me and orders not to let them come out. Every hour on the hour I was to get up close and lock my office door, lift my skirt and lay over my desk and turn on the bullet for 5 minutes, but not cum. Then at lunch I was to leave the vibrator on and drive home to meet him. There’s a thrill in doing stuff like that, and an even bigger thrill after, because the spanking and sex for reward or failure is of course always going to be amazing.

What is it about being a sub that satisfies you?

Being my husband’s wife satisfies me most. Having an active and adventurous sex life is a very big bonus too. The DD part of our lives has enabled us to become very stable as a couple. We take discord in stride and have a built in mechanism to diffuse and deal with it quickly. As long as my husband is engaged enough with me to use spanking with me as a way to address the crap, I feel safe and comfortable knowing he’s as engaged in us as I am. A man who is drifting away from his marriage will not invest the time or the energy into facing issues the way we do together. Since the spanking comes after those heart to heart discussions, there’s a sense of security and connectedness afforded me each time we close that loop. The fact that we’ve been able to find a productive way to turn negative energy around and make it something mutually satisfying and sexy is another bonus I think.

Patty really is A Creative Spanked Wife. You can see some of her art, as well as read a review of her blog & future plans here. And you can read more about her, & some advice as well, here.