Vixen's Guide To Messy Sex - Part Two
Sex on the Beach Rubs Me The Wrong Way
I have many friends who make the most of a a hot summer's day (or night) with sex on the beach. Some do it in the shallow water, some prefer to make waves on the sandy beach. I just don't like to do it there at all. Yes, I'm going to tell you all about it. Perhaps you'll learn something useful to apply to your sex life.
Sex on the beach makes me scream -- but it's not as sexy as it sounds. "Enough with the sand already!"
They say walking in sand on a beach is a great way to 'naturally' exfoliate your feet. All those grains of sand scraping at the dead skin on your feet as they push against the sand. Fucking on sand exfoliates any other pushing or moving parts. I don't know about you, but my ass, knees & face aren't calloused. I'd rather have a rug burn. Maybe not. It's hard to compare. Because the exfoliating sand doesn't stop there.
Sex on sand gives collects more of those grains on your body than simply removing your shoe can get rid of. We are talking in your hair -- all of it. Yes, even that lil landing strip of yours will collect enough sand to make you think Brazilian wax. But don't. Pubic hair is designed to help with friction, and whatever fine strands you have left there, you'll want them to protect you from the friction of his sandy parts rubbing against you like a furniture refinisher going to town with the sandpaper. 'Ouch' doesn't begin to cover it.
Good sex can make you feel like you're walking funny -- sex with sand makes you wish you were in a wheelchair, and not just so you wouldn't have to walk, but so you can't feel anything there anymore. Multiply by 10 if you have recently shaved or waxed.
Sweat, sun products, bug repellants, etc are all sticky messes that sand sticks to. This means that whatever part of him has touched the sand, will now be covered in sand, and when he touches you, he'll either transfer the sand to you or feel like an loofah (in which case you will pray he keeps his trunks on & doesn't finger you, or you'll be inappropriately intimate with a loofah).
I bet some of you are screaming 'Use a blanket, bitch!' Duh. But have you ever taken a towel to beach & not gotten sand to become one with it? Blankets are no different. Plus, my bedding barely manages to stay on my bed -- the part under my ass, or knees, yes. The rest of it? Oh, that's a crumpled, wrinkled, trampled mess. As far as I know, there are no fitted corners for beach towels & blankets.
Sand is not the only problem at the beach. There are lovely things in sand that can litterally become a pain in the ass. This includes glass, crabs (both kinds), syringes, dead fish & other things you don't want on your naked self.
Trying to get away from the beach, say moving to a shady lawn section is near impossible. Number one, folks will see you. (I must warn you, beaches after dark have stiff fines, even without public nudity...) Moving under or near bushes to hide yourself has it's problems: this is where dogs do their business. And now this is becoming a general 'sex outdoors' thing. I'm sure I'll get around to this, eventually. For now, let's stick to the beach.
So the sand is like a student loan collections officer: a bitch you can't avoid. There are nasty things hidden in & on the sand. Blankets & towels offer little protection. What else is there?
Oh, yes... one other important thing to remember is clothing. Or more accurately, think about where to safely place your clothing. Aside from the it's-dark-I-can't-find-my-clothes scenario, where you place your clothing matters. I have had 3 different friends all suffer from not thinking ahead about this issue -- the culprit? Tar.
Seems it makes no matter if the beach is ocean side, or a sandy lake beach, but apparently tar &/or oil is often vomitted onto the shores by larger bodies of water. And, in a little known science fact, tar & oil are magnetically driven to fuck with your clothing -- yes, they need to fuck just as badly as you & Frankie do. What you also may not realize is that you really can't get the damn stains out of your clothing. And if you are required to wear these clothes home, well, lets just say a few well-placed-ocean-tar-vomit-chunks can literally mean you cannot get back into those clothes... (If you think park fines are bad, try nude driving.)
Ahh, the romantic notion of sex on the beach... It's just fuckin' over rated.