Maybe I'm A Closet Submissive

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Kis Lee is back with another confession...

For a long time, I thought I was a closet submissive. Everyone knows this type: strong, independent woman on the outside, submissive sex kitten on the inside. I like vanilla sex, but I have a kinky side, too. I liked being thrown on the bed, manhandled, smacked on the ass, hair pulled, and fucked hard and dirty. In the bedroom, I enjoy playing the sexually submissive role.

In my mid-20s, I went through a Dominance/submission phase. I had a profile on, and I read books on the D/s lifestyle. I read about bondage, flogging, whipping, and other forms of rough kink. I browsed adult sites with D/s themes. I felt my body responding to what I was reading and seeing, so I identified myself as a submissive.

Through, I met a nice man who was also new to the D/s scene. He wanted to play the Dominant role, but he had not found the right partner yet. We had a brief relationship and dabbled a bit with kink and role play. He was a caring and affectionate partner, but he wasn't a convincing Dominant. He tried to play the role, but it wasn't working for me. After a short relationship, we went our separate ways.

After that experience, I decided that I needed someone more assertive. I had a few experiences with the alpha male-type, and I enjoyed the rough play in the bedroom. The sex was great, but something was not quite right. Eventually I figured out what the problem was. I had yet to meet a man who persuaded me to submit completely. For some people, the act of submission becomes a lifestyle. For me, it was more a means to an orgasm. When the novelty wore off, I didn't feel the same buzz anymore. Maybe I didn't meet the right one. Maybe it was my short attention span.

So I decided that I might not be a closet submissive. I had a kinky friend who always claimed that I would be a perfect Domme. There was that one time where I tied a guy to a chair but only at his request. It was fun, but it didn't do a thing for me. So if I'm not a submissive and I'm not a Domme, does it mean I'm a switch? Do I top one day and bottom the next? Labels can sometimes be so confusing.

Do we even need labels in the first place? Some people identify strongly with terms like "submissive" or "dominant." For them, it's more than play; it's a lifestyle. Now that I'm older and a little more experienced, I don't know if I really need a label. I've adopted enough labels: Asian, American, woman, feminist, agnostic, liberal. I don't know if I have enough room for another identifier.

Comedian Margaret Cho has this funny routine where she wonders whether she's gay, straight, or bisexual. She decides that she's just a slut. I'm going to adopt the same attitude. I'm not a sub; I'm not a switch. I'm just a slut who likes to indulge in rough, kinky sex and slow, gentle lovemaking.

Kis Lee is an Asian American freelance writer. You can read more about her erotic writings at her blog, KisLee, Erotica Writer, and at MySpace.


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