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I thought I had forgotten too the smell of surgical tools and Pine-Sol. The scent of pain, despair and regret. The intense fragrance of nothingness that is a medical facility.

But I remember.

I thought I had forgotten the shaking of my heart. The tentative, nervous quivering of my soul, my flesh, my bones. The shivering of my every thought pattern.

But I remember.

I thought I had forgotten the hopeful dream of a painless memory, dimmed by Valium. Darkened by force. Ignored by strength of self. Mostly Valium.

But I remember.

I thought I had forgotten the screams that ripped thru my deepest nightmares, but were never voiced. The terror, the agony, the indecision. The hatred. The regret. Mostly the silent screams.

But I remember.

I thought I had forgotten the sounds. The quiet movements of faceless medical professionals, the almost timid rustling of the paper beneath me as I struggled to remain still. Still like death. The clinging and clanging of sterile instruments of murder. The suction. The sound of the suction.

But I remember.

I thought I had forgotten the pain. The seemingly never ending, horrific, scraping agony. The stretching. The pain. The pain. The pain.

But I remember.

I thought that I had forgotten how I felt in his shirts. In his arms. In his nights. In his bed. In his eyes.

But I remember.

I thought I had forgotten what it was like to bleed. To beg. To grovel. To plead. Just let me have this.

But I remember.

I thought I had forgotten him…

But now, I remember. After almost 4 years, I am reminded.

Thank you Johnny…I really wanted to remember.

Now, go back to wherever it is you came from and let me forget…again.

*****************************************

I know about the scars on your arms
I know your baby wasn't born
I know that your mum hates your dad
I know that it fucked up your head

Hang on, it's gone
Hang on, it's gone
Hang on, it's gone
Hang on, it's gone

The violence buried away
The violence buried away
The violence buried away
The violence buried away

You know you can share anything
You know I'm listening
You know I'll kiss away the tears
You know I understand your fears

Hang on, it's gone
Hang on, it's gone
Hang on, it's gone
Hang on, it's gone

The violence buried away
The violence buried away
The violence buried away
The violence buried away

The violence buried away
The violence buried away
The violence buried away
The violence buried away

Therapy - Gone

*****************************************

In closing... as always... And if thou whilst needs marry, marry a fool. For wise men (women) know well what monsters you make of them.

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