Review of 'Samson: In the Amazon's Land'

Reviewed by, the 'ever opinionated' Gracie.

I wish I had good news...

I don't like to pan movies, but sometimes, a movie is so bad, or the reviews at other sites are so way off my tastes, I feel it is my duty to warn others.

"Samson: In the Amazon's Land" is a porn flick, and that is about all I agree with the review as listed here. I had read another review of this film (I honestly can't remember where, or trust me, I would both list it & share my thoughts with that reviewer) that has listed this as a 'plot porno for women.'

If a plot to you is some vague idea that a story is supposed to be happening, then you buy the pizza boy deliveries, the copy boy who stumbles into sex in the supply closet, and all the other cheesy porn 'plots.'

To me, a plot means not just a vague sense of a story line, but good editing to help you keep with the story, and some realistic dialoge.

The first 10-15 minutes, you are searching for some continuity, some clue as to what the F*** is going on... some tinny sounding music fuzzes about you as you see cuts back & forth between a hetero couple & a lesbian couple (the women look so alike, you aren't sure at first if the man has left & a new women joined), and the edits are so choppy & seemingly without reason...

The 'plot' involves an apple rolling & bouncing down long corridors, stupid people picking it up, saying it is lovely, taking a bite & voila! they are horny toads. After they take a bite, they let it drop to the ground, the apple becomes whole again, and bounces or rolls away to seek another couple... Yeah, I get it, it's a magic apple.

Next, one of the look-alike-blondes is talking (dubbed mind you, and poorly at that!) making you wonder if you need to adjust your tracking (we tried it, hoping at least the bad music sound quality would be fixed, with no luck) ~ think Godzila dubbing.

Sure, there is lots of sex. Plenty of anal, some groups, but none of it has any real foreplay (unless you count a horrible, horrible, 'fight scene' between the hero and some Goddess chick), and even the actors look bored.

Hot & sweaty, tired, but not like they are getting anything out of it (yeah, they look like what you think might actually happen to porn stars ~ so much sex, it bores them).

Maybe I am too practical, but when I see sex in places & postions that just seem down right uncomfrotable, when perfectly comfortable options are available, I get irritated. For example, lots of sex on stone steps, when lush green lawns & fur skins are 3 feet away (and they had to cross them to get to the steps). And what's more, you can see red marks on backs when the switch positions, showing just how sore they are laying on stone steps.

I am sorry, but don't you want comfortable sex? Unless it is rough sex, this just makes no sense...

The other reviewer describes the hero as having a "monster willy" (yeah, that is the dirty talk grown-ups like ~ oooh I am hot!) and I guess I missed that 'part' ~ along with the "rhythmic motion that is hallucinating."

I think the reviewer either, A) was so bored they fell asleep & 'hallucinated' a better erotic tale, or B) was on some acid trip. I just can't see any basis other than 'my brother made this film' to write a review like this.

When you read a good review, and you see the film completely differently, you wonder if it is just 'you.' ('Maybe this flick was good, and I just am frigid.' *wink*)

If this is the industry's idea of films for hetero couples to share, it is no wonder most women don't like porn.

I won't even give this a rating, and in fact it is so horrible, I think I will avoid all films from In-X-Cess.

Want to thank me for this review? Or are you the maker of this film? You can sound off at the message boards, or hit me with some email.