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Heh. Halloween. The only time of the year when you can walk into any home in middle America and find a vampire fucking a nun. Yay.

Halloween is looming ahead of me like some too little celebrated Pagan holiday. Like some parental obligation I will completely bomb. Like some chance for a chaotic sex fest in fish nets and an expensive corset.

I haven’t read any of the other Sex-Kitten Halloween pieces yet. I imagine everyone wrote wonderfully erotic smut that will make your witchy little hat just bend right over. Or stand straight up. Titillating tales of terrifying temptations and scarily sensual scenes of screamingly good sex.

But I’ve racked my brain for days and there’s not much I can come up with.

Do you know why Witches don’t have babies? Because Warlocks have Halloweenies.

*Snicker.*

I’m trying. Really I am.

I guess I could make up something.

It was a dark and stormy night…

I’m sorry. I keep getting these warped mental images…

A lonely man, tired from handing out candy to other people’s children, sexually frustrated from watching half dressed teenage hookers waltzing down Main Street. Finally, he breaks down, cutting a single round hole out of the side of a fat pumpkin and just fucking his jack-o-lantern. A woman, stomach wrenching in protest…the Halloween candy dish empty, her fingers covered suspiciously with traces of chocolate. The Indian corn used in quaint decoration pressing slowly into her gaping cunt.

Halloween is a chance for you to be what you want to be in your fantasies. To be who you are when no one is looking. It’s the only night of the year when a woman is allowed, even encouraged, to dress up like the whore she sometimes wants to be, without fear of negative reactions or stereotypical labels.

I’m going to use Halloween for something a little different this year.

I’m going to dress up like myself…sit inside a Pentagram, chalk-drawn on my little piece of driveway, and burn pictures of men.

For this night of the Pagan New Year, I am going to rid myself of all the old excess baggage. I’ve burnt the bridges already…no longer speaking to either of my ex-husband people, Abortion Guy, Porn Addicted Penis Person, Vampire Man and Chicago Boy all gone, deleted from my cell phone and soon to be completely scorched right out of my memories.

Wish me luck.

Happy Halloween – or Happy New Year, as the case may be.

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