Pretty, Witty, Nelly - Sex~Kitten.net

Nell Gwyn, oil painting by Simon Verelst, circa 1680

Nell Gwyn is the best known Restoration actress. But her infamy is not for her acting skills. Of the thirteen known mistresses of Charles II, Nell is probably the only one who is remembered today. Though she was never the “official” mistress of the Merry Monarch who found it necessary to have sex every day or so, she was his favorite for eighteen years, even to the point of being remembered on his deathbed.

Eleanor “Nell” Gwyn was born in 1650 in a London slum just east of Drury Lane to a pair of low-life hucksters who inhabited Coal Yard Alley, a place no citizen dared to enter unarmed. Though there are several stories about her father’s history; very few contest that her mother was a drunken bartender who fell into a ditch and drowned.

By the time she was 8 or 9, Nell and her sister, who became a prostitute and eventually married a highwayman, were working the streets selling oysters and procuring. By the time she was 13 she was working for a brothel. In all the externals, except her beauty, one would think Nell would not qualify for becoming a king’s mistress. She was intensely ignorant. She spoke in a broad cockney accent. And she could never remember knowing what chastity was. Though, it must be said on her behalf, after her brothel days she claimed never to have been “but one man’s whore at a time.”

When the theatre was built in Drury Lane, Nell and her sister got jobs selling oranges, incredibly expensive delicacies, to the patrons. They dressed provocatively. They flirted with the audience. Nell used the orange tray as a shelf for her breasts.

But Nell was struck by the theatre and wanted to become an actress. Her first attempts were rebuffed by Betterton, the manager-actor. However, she did become an accomplished comedic actress. She was able to send her friends into hysterical laughter by mimicking how she had been taught to pout and languish. She instinctively knew that the Restoration audiences liked bare thighs and profane ad libs. And she became a favorite actress for whom John Dryden wrote many of the preludes to his plays and comedic parts. She was also a hard worker. Because she could neither read nor write, she learned lines by having them repeated to her over and over again.

In 1667 Nell and a fellow actress Moll Davis decided they should find rich aristocratic patrons. They actually went in search of the King, who they knew was always looking for women. Moll scored first, thanks to her ability to dance and jiggle. On a night when Nell knew that Moll Davis was to meet with the King, Nell invited her to “a Collation of Sweetmeats,” which had been liberally laced with a laxative mixture. Just as Moll and the King were about to consummate their night, the laxatives took effect, embarrassed both Moll and the King, and Moll was never again seen at Court, though she did receive Ł1,000 per year pension for “former services in the affairs of love.”

Nelly was a perfect companion who could be taken anywhere. She liked horse racing, cock fighting, gambling, and public executions. But, unlike the other mistresses, she was not intrinsically greedy and had few political ambitions. By the summer of 1668 it was known that Nell was Charles’ choice for a bed companion. He would see her daily, play cards and gossip with her. Both diplomats and pensioners had to make their way to her residence in Pall Mall to meet with the king.

Despite being moved into posh residences, Nell was not beyond getting down and dirty with the other mistresses. On one occasion she and the Duchess of Portsmouth got into a catfight. Nell came through with flying colors. She took a candle and burned off all of the Duchess’ pubic hairs. When requested by Charles to include one of the other mistresses in his birthday party, she retorted, “One whore at a time is enough for you, Sire.”

It was this earthiness that earned her a place reserved for few royal mistresses throughout history. The people liked her. Once, when her carriage was mistaken for that of the Duchess of Portsmouth, a French Catholic, she leaned out of the carriage and yelled to the crowd, “"Pray, good people, be civil. I am the Protestant whore!"

A Portrait of a Lady as Venus with Cupid, Thought to be Nell Gwyn with her Son

Nell could be as impudent with Charles. Two of his other mistresses were made Duchesses. Nell did not aspire to that for herself. But she did look out for her children. Once, when the King came to visit, she called to her son: “Come here, you little bastard, and say hello to your father.” When Charles reprimanded her for the harsh language, she replied, “Your majesty has given me no other name to call him by.” Shortly thereafter the child was made the Duke of St. Albans.

Though not ambitious for herself, Nell could be considered the prototype of the “hooker with a golden heart.” She looked after her family. She bailed her brother-in-law out of jail, she looked after her alcoholic mother, and is credited with encouraging Charles to set up Chelsea Hospital for the needy veterans who had fought for both Charles and his father. When she did have money, she shared it with the poor and those who had fought for the Merry Monarch.

Even though Nell Gwyn lost her physical purity, she was so unlike those who surrounded her. The other mistresses were vile, self-serving, politically motivated and just plain nasty. Nell retained an integrity throughout her life very uncommon to the era in which she lived. She was the only one of the mistresses who could make Charles jealous and the one who could tell him, when he lamented that the people were not satisfied, “You can very easily satisfy them. Dismiss your women and attend to the proper business of a king.”

It is little wonder that, even in the throes of death, Charles commanded his brother, “Let not poor Nelly starve.” To his credit, James II did honor his brother’s request. Upon Charles II death, Nelly’s creditors descended upon her and demanded payment. To save her from debtors’ prison, James paid the bills and, while he cut off the allowances of the other “whores,” he made sure Nelly had Ł1,000 per year.

Two years after Charles II died, Nelly herself experienced a stroke and suffered for eight months. On November 14, 1687 she died and was laid to rest three days later at the church of St. Martins-in-the-Fields. The services were given by a future Bishop of Canterbury, who had many good things to say about her. And she is, today, just about the only Restoration actress and royal mistress we can name.