The Absolution of a Control Freak

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Many people are surprised to hear that Gracie is a sub at heart. After all, I am a strong willed, direct, person; a feminist in control of her life (as much as anyone can be!). It’s difficult to understand why I would find such satisfaction in being submissive in any form. It was difficult for me to accept & acknowledge at first, & even more difficult to communicate to a lover.

Where does a person who has to exercise great control & wield great power on a routine basis, go to unwind?

To their sub-space, baby.

When you hand over control to another person, absolving yourself of all decision making, for however temporary, there is liberation. Freedom from all the should’s & ought to’s. Escape from the worries, & time to just be in the moment.

While I desire control in many areas of my life, I desire this complete release at times too. For a person who is always in control, always setting the limits, making the rules & laying the law down when they are broken, this is heaven.

Some part of me knows there must be a balance. A time to let go. And what better time than sex?

Other classic examples of this might be an executive who makes daily decisions which involve large sums of money, or a doctor who feels a huge responsibility for preserving life. But there are others as well ~ mothers who feel in charge of ‘everything & everyone’ as they go about the business of raising a family, people with deep rooted problems of self-control with past traumas, and now need to feel it’s ok to set that load down, if only for a short period of time, and not be ‘the one in control anymore.’

It might just be that your doctor is paying for a spanking. That the CEO of finance wears a chastity belt beneath her navy power suit. Both feeling the need to hand over some control somewhere in there lives...

Conversely, a person who feels powerless in many situations will feel the need to hold the ultimate authority at times. Someone who feels ignored by society, powerless, unseen, needs times when they are not only seen, but listened to, obeyed.

It might be the painfully shy guy from the computer department who you normally dismiss as ‘the geek,’ who holds the keys to a waiting woman’s passion ~ and handcuffs! Folks who feel their hands are tied as they try to do their work ~ teachers, police officers, politicians etc ~ feel powerless to do their jobs. They go in each day & try, but they feel so weak... But when they Dom, they feel so invincible!

This is the yin to the yang, the balance. A wise person will realize they need to counter-balance this role, with another role.

This counter balance doesn’t need to be supplied by a sexual role either. It can be a Zen Garden, a bonsai tree, a trip to Vegas once a year. But let’s face it, if you’re going to break away from the everyday mundane trials & tribulations of your existence, why not do in the most passionate way? Why not play out all you tensions in the most pleasurable way, with sex?

It can be the occasional role play scenario, or it can be a lifestyle choice. It can be a committed relationship, or a paid professional. But for me, it simply must be.

For me, part of this handing over of control, of being a sub, is pain. I am a very sensual woman. A sensory slut when it comes to my flesh... Not just pain, but unusual touches & sensations. Including extreme pleasures. For my body does not view touch as a line continuum with pain on one end, pleasure on the other, but as a circle, or at least a spiral, where you can go so far with one, that it becomes the other.

Sometimes it’s in the extremes, the intensities, other times it is in the contrasts. A sharp intake of breath with an ‘ow!’ followed by a long exhale of ‘oooooh.’

But like many control freaks, I often feel the need to disassociate from my wants. Which means while I am busy being a diligent hard-working person, I may forget or push aside the needs of my cunt; I may rationalize that this fantasy is really a way to avoid problem x, & wouldn’t my time be better spent working on resolving that issue?

But all work & no play makes vagina very dull indeed. (And who wants a lackluster vagina?!)

And then there is the part of me that says this pain-play is not ‘good,’ or ‘wise.’ (Mainly because it means I trust another, more on that some other time.) So I may tell myself ‘no.’ But as a sub, oh, as a sub, I do not make those choices!

I am absolved of my sins & errors once I am released from the responsibility of selection!

Not only am I given full freedom from accountability, respite from my typical world, but I am engulfed in indulgence!

Exhilarating. Beyond words.

Unfortunately, I need to use words to describe it here...

Remember when you were a child, and you rode your bike all the way up a big hill? You nearly cried (nearly because you wouldn’t let your pals see you cry!), your body ached, the sweat dripped down your face... the physical effort testing your emotional resolve... each push straining muscles... the sun beating on the back of your neck, burning something awful... your mouth dry, raspy breaths... you closed your eyes to block it... they flew open in fright & you tried to peddle faster... you ached, oh, how you ached...

And then, glory be, you reached the top, and it was a wild, free ride to the bottom ~ you could relax & let it all happen, face lifted towards the sun ~ your hair, your breath was taken by the wind!

That’s how power exchanges can be. A wild joy, sharply contrasting your everyday uphill struggle.

And that’s how pain can be too. Endorphins released from the physical tests, yes, but also from the emotional battles faced, at once in contrast to the sweet, swift ride, yet also part of it...

Rapture, redemption, release, rejoice.


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