20 Questions for Your Wanna-Be Boyfriend(s)...

Everyone has their own little way of finding out who’s right for them. Sometimes you get the opportunity to ask them whatever the hell you want. And sometimes, if you are lucky, they will answer every question you put to them.

As Valentine’s Day looms ahead like some dark, bewildering Hallmark holiday, maybe asking a ‘perspective suitor’ a few questions can help you choose who will win the privilege of seeing you in a skirt, feeding you chocolate covered cherries, and / or getting a gift that will warm up the cold, February night.

I myself recently met, re-met really, someone quite interesting. And in an effort to discern whether we were compatible (read ‘If he was worth my time’), I asked him a few questions. Actually at his behest…and because, since he’s read every BackWash column I’ve ever written, in order, all at once…well, he had an unfair advantage…

I’ve included nearly ALL of my questions, and his answers. (I’d intended to only share my words, but I find his are almost necessary.)

Keep in mind that this took place over several days. Still, there’s some good stuff in here. Try to remember which questions your applicant gets “right”. Yes, there are incorrect answers to some of these…

Steal them if you wish…but I’d love to see what your “perpetual beau” has to say.

Ok...what religion are you? Christian- Non Denominational.

Do you get along with your mother? Yes. Very much so.

Do you have brothers and sisters? One brother, 32 and one sister, 35.

What happened with…your last relationship? Nothing. She is still alive. Oh wait. Between us, you mean. We are good friends, separated over 7 months…kinda waiting for the year to hit so we can part ways. We are both in agreement that things are better now that we are not “together”.

Are you the jealous type? I was with the same woman for 10 years who gave me no reason to be jealous. I don’t know yet.

Do you like coffee? Very much so.

Can you answer questions when you first wake up? Yes, but it is very amusing.

Do you have trouble hanging around people who smoke? No. What I have trouble doing is hanging around new smokers who do it to be cool.

What do you expect on the first date? 2 answers. My “I’ve read your backwash column and know” answer: Walk to the door and a kiss on the cheek. My “Here’s what I expect but I am male so yes I would go all the way” answer: Walk to the door and a kiss on the cheek.

Do you like lumpy mashed potatoes? Lumpy mashed potatoes means they have extra texture. Texture is good.

What's your favorite movie? Do I have to pick just 1?

Do you like hip-hop or country or...can you tolerate Evanescence? Yes, yes, and yes.

Do you do dishes? Like a champ

Do you do other people's dishes? Only as a team

Do you have a 401K? Yes. I am looking forward to retiring a rich old bastard.

Do you go to church?I don’t agree with organized religion, so I hang out with a bunch of non-denominational peoples like me and socialize.

How many times do you fold your towels? 3

Do you shop at Target? Hell yes.

Will you buy tampons? What kind? Kidding. Yes. OB. With or without the applicator?

How about condoms? Yes.

What if you were allergic to latex? I’d use non-latex gloves when putting them in my shopping cart.

How do you hang your toilet paper? It HAS to roll from the top.

Do you like cats? Yes, but am more a dog person.

Do you like chaos? The incarnation or the state of being? Yes to both.

Do you have any tattoos? 2. Thinking about a 3^rd.

Have you ever pierced anything.....weird? Not pierced at all.

Electric razor or straight? Straight.

Aftershave? Never.

What kind? See above.

Do you like women who say bad words? Yes, it’s very naughty. I like naughty girls.

Do you know that I live in a trailer but that I am not trailer trash? Yes. Would you say that the bags that come from your trailer and go in the dumpster is called trailer trash?

Do you like North Carolina? It’s lovely here.

What is your daughter’s favorite color? PINK.

Do you find it odd that I was born in her month and you were born in Amy's? Not odd. Neat.

Is it weird that I noticed that? No. I noticed too.

Does it distress you that I live with my mother? No. It makes it difficult for us to “do it”, though.

You actually thought about this....I am a man. And I do love sex. And you are attractive.

Do you like scented candles? Yes. And I even like patchouli.

What's your middle name? David

What's your daughter’s middle name? Morgaine. (Pronounced Morgan…and I love it. So there.)

Do you have any allergies? No.

Do you take any medication? No.

Do you like to jump in puddles? Actually, no.

Why not? This is a horrible answer, but because most of the time I am suited up for work and I don’t want to mess my clothes up. I love puddles. But only when it’s warm out and I’m not in work clothes.

Are you afraid of clowns? No. But Pennywise was definitely scary.

Have you ever kissed a man? No.

Do you know the difference between being childISH and child-LIKE? Yes.

Do you pay your bills on time? Oh yeah.

How many OTHER email addies do you have? One for work. One for family. One for registering with websites (you know they send spam) and one for friends.

Do you believe in downloading music? I don’t think it’s very nice.

Do you bite your toenails? No.

Do you have any addictions? BLT Sandwiches

Have you ever...other then nicotine? Coke- 10 years ago. L_____ took me to my first meeting.

Why don't you like TV but you like movies? All the good shows cut into E___ (daughter) time.

Do you like commercials? Only during the Super Bowl and Daytona 500.

Do you hate how they are louder then the show? Damn! I never noticed that!

Can you drive on ice? Yes.

Do you drive a stick? Yes.

Would you ever wax your eyebrows? I haven’t, but was recently told that I need to.

Do you...trim? Down under? No. Mine is soft and un-pubiclike.

How many books do you read at once? 2. One textbook and one “me” book.

How many books have you read this month? So far? 2. The Mezzanine by Nicholson Baker and Choke by Chuck Palahniuk

Can you flatter me? You were a vision in your pajamas. (I totally looked like shit that day…I even had cramps.)

What kind of gum do you chew - if ever? Hardly ever. But if I did, Winterfresh.

Why did you read my columns? I like to read, and I wanted to see what you had to say.

Why aren't you scared? I don’t get scared.

What's your favorite word? Fuckstick. And bouillon.

Do you make up words? Yes. Often.

Do you like sailing or did you learn for your dad? I hated it when I was younger. Now I can’t seem to stop.

How often do you talk to your parents? Dad and I talk daily because of the (Insert Name of Family Business here). Mom and I talk 2x a week.

Do you think my eyebrow ring looks like a booger? No.

Are you an elitist? No. Everyone is equal.

Will you put Parmesan cheese on your spaghetti? Definitely.

Would you prefer noodles or elbows? I like both.

Your daughter’s favorite food? String Cheese.

What's yours? See addictions.

White or dark chocolate? Depends on the wine.

If you had no wine and only chocolate…I like both, but if I had to choose, dark.

When you are starving and you go to the store, what's the first thing you want to buy? If it’s junk food then it’s Cheetos. (HELLO? This is a ‘RIGHT’ answer.)

Swiffer or regular mop? Swiffer.

When you have a 6 pack of cans, do you cut the plastic thing before you throw it away? Yes! Save the fish!

If you have a 6 pack of beer do you have to drink the whole thing? I don’t like beer, so no.

Do you drive after drinking? Depends if my daughter is with me. There is a point…

Do you know how to dance? Not at all.

Have you ever done (s)karaoke? In a group.

Would I have the privilege of reading your experiences if you had written them down? Of course! I’m an open book.

Are you an Uncle? My brother, Wes has a 9 month old son named D____. That kid is cute!

Why haven't you updated your Yahoo profile since 1998? Do I have a Yahoo profile? (LOL Yes dear, you do. It says you are married and live in Ohio, last updated in 1998.) Wrong Kevin. I’ve never lived in Ohio. I only got this email address 2 months ago.

Do you like sharp objects? Depends. Knives, only for steak. Machetes, only for clearing dense jungles. Do you have other sharp objects in mind? (I like steak that you do not need a knife for.) Do you clear dense jungles often? No, not really. Sometimes I like knives but I'm weird. Swords can be pretty. I agree.And some daggers are pretty, too.Daggers are cool too.

You and D_______ were married for a long time. Is it hard to be single? Definitely. I have never been single before.

Do you date? Yes.

What kind of shampoo do you use? Suave

(Scented?) It’s Suave for Men. So it does have a “manly” scent. It’s the deep cleaning shampoo because my hair gets REALLY oily by the end of the day.

Do you like silver picture frames? That is SO Wiccan. ;)

(Smart ass...do you?) Yes.

Do you like skinny women? I like women.

No preference....honestly? No preference. But I don’t like overly big women or overly skinny women. I like the area between the two. Some meat on the bones. Curvaceous. Etc. etc. etc.

Can you do it (flatter me) again? Really? I like the way your hair drapes over your neck. And it’s sexy when you lean slightly forward and get on your tiptoes to reach for something over your head.

If you could only listen to one CD for the rest of your life, what would it be? Luminosa

Would you rather live in a world with no roads or no grass? No roads. You can drive on grass…

If you HAD to choose between having a piece of spinach stuck between your front teeth or a booger hanging out of your nose ALL the time, which would you choose? Spinach…fewer germs. And you can smile with your lips closed.

When was the last time you had sex? It’s been a while.

Can you have meaningless sex? I haven’t…but let me be honest. I possibly could.

What are 2 things you don't think you like about me? (I had originally written 5 but I changed my mind and hoped there were not so many yet.)

I know you from your Backwash journal, but not well enough or long enough to be able to answer this. I like everything so far....

If you hurt or are sick, will you take medicine? I have never had prescription meds…but I will take something to alleviate pain or reduce fever or make me more comfortable. But nothing I can become addicted to.

What's your favorite fruit? Apricots.

Do you like pie? Yes. All kinds.

What vegetables do you not like? I like all kinds.

Cool Whip or whipped cream? Whipped cream. It’s cheaper.

Have you ever had a manicure? No, but I need to cut my nails…thanks for reminding me!

College or wide ruled? College. 2^nd thing I am long winded about.

What are your bad habits? I pick my nose.

Do you let other people drive your car? Sure!

Are you comfy in the passenger seat? Not as much as the driver seat, but yes.

What radio station is your car stereo set to? 96.1 (I have no idea…)

Do you ever watch the weather channel...for more then 15 minutes? Sometimes. When I travel.

Do you toast or BURN your marshmallows? Do you makes SMORES in your living room? BURN! Is there any other way? I haven't.....but am not opposed to it....

So there you have it folks…ADeadHeart’s guide to interviewing all of your wanna-be boyfriends. I suspect we might be seeing a little bit more of this poor man…

Whether you deny the existence of this pink hearted holiday or embrace your roses with abandon…I hope February 14^th, 2005 is a good day for you.