Sing and Screw too - Sex~Kitten.net

Who says remakes are only for Hollywood films? For that matter, who says musicals don't belong in porn? Apparently not Veronica Hart, the former porn star turned director, who's remade the 1976 classic "The Opening of Misty Beethoven" into "Misty Beethoven: The Musical." Yes, that's right kids...a musical porn.

For those of you not familiar with the original "Misty" (considered by many to be the greatest porn film ever made), it is a Pygmalion/My Fair Lady/Pretty Woman type story in which Seymour Love (played in the original by Jamie Gillis) takes on the job of reforming sloppy street hooker Misty (originally played by Constance Money) into a well-mannered socialite and expert cock-sucker. It was directed by Henri Paris, a pseudonym for Radley Metzger, whose films were known for their fine-tuned art design and beautiful locations. The original "Misty" is a must-see for anyone with a love of classic 1970's porn.

For the remake, the Seymour Love character is renamed Darren Daly and played by Randy Spears, who lacks some of the wit, charm, and good looks of Jamie Gillis, but still possesses some of the confidence. He is by far the most accomplished actor in the film. Misty here is played by Sunset Thomas, a California blonde with a perfect body, but with little in common with the original Misty. Spears' sidekick here is played by Chloe and appearances from Asia Carerra, Misty Mason, Julie Meadows, and Ava Vincent are scattered throughout the film.

The opening scene is of Spears up against a wall in an alleyway getting his cock sucked by Chloe as her sings "Sex is good, sex is what I crave, why do we all have to be so fucking depraved..." Right off the bat, I knew this was going to be bad. Really bad. The lyrics seemed to be something a fifteen year-old would write in a notebook while bored in study hall.

How much worse could it get? Well, poor Darren is so bored with the parade of women sucking his cock (such a tough life) that his cock begins to talk to him. The cock even calls him a "retard." So naturally, being that this is a musical after all, what comes next? The cock begins to sing. Yes, a singing cock, mouth and all. "The penis is the ruler of the world", it sings and in case you forget the lyrics, they go flashing across the screen, karaoke-style. "Just follow the bouncing balls", instructs Darren. I can guarantee you this wasn't in the original "Misty".

After this, Darren and his sidekick pick up Misty at what appears to be a sex club where everyone is fucking except Misty, who instead is jacking off a guy in a Napoleon costume (an homage to the original). They bring Misty home where she begins her education immediately by watching porn on TV with Darren regularly. She often comments "Oooh, I want to learn to do that" and Darren answers her with "You will, soon, you will". One wonders, however, that if Misty is a hooker, hasn't she done most of that stuff already?"

Even so, Darren makes Misty practice cocksucking on his butlers, who line up three in a row while she rotates from cock to cock. In what is by far the film's cheesiest musical number, the butlers rap-sing (wouldn't call it rapping, wouldn't call it singing) "we're gonna come...we're all about to spray" as Misty goes to town on them. I couldn't quite believe what I was watching.

By the time Asia Carerra makes her guest appearance as a pop star that a studio engineer is obsessed with, my boyfriend was giving me ultimatums. "Two more minutes and I'm turning this shit off," I believe was what he said. Surely neither of us was getting turned on by it and the whole thing was too damn cheesy for either of us to tolerate.

The next night I took it home and flipped through to the end where Misty sings her big song "You can fuck the world or you can fuck the one you love" to a crowd her legion of fans. However, in the original "Misty", she falls in love with Seymour and the two have their big sex scene at the end. Here, Misty and Darren never get together and Darren instead fucks sidekick Chloe onstage while Misty keeps singing. A strange plot twist, but an appropriate one I felt since the chemistry between Spears and Thomas here never quite matches that of Jamie Gillis and Constance Money in the original. A disappointment all around, to say the least.

Nonetheless, the DVD still holds other treasures. For those not patient enough to watch musical porn, you can choose the options of watching sex scenes categorized by either performers or specific acts. There's also a behind the scenes documentary, a blooper reel, photo gallery, and several interviews with the film's fabulous director, Veronica Hart. Hart explains her love of the original film, how the project came about, and the difficulties of getting male actors to perform musical numbers while keeping a hard-on. Even though the whole concept seems ridiculous, you just want to hug her because she makes it sound like the most positive experience ever. In the "Misty Then and Now" Featurette, she explains the premise of the whole film is to "have the rockingest sex ever and find your one true love."

I can't say I'd recommend "Misty: The Musical" if you're lookin' to get it on with your honey or need some masturbation inspiration as you'll be somewhat bored by the flat sex scenes and cony musical numbers. However, if you are drinkin' and partyin' with a group of friends and want some huge laughs at one of the most unusual porn films ever made, this might do it. A singing cock? You just don't see that every day.