Barbie's a Grotesque Distortion Of Reality

I wrote a column on Barbie a while ago. (You should go read that one, it's a bit nicer, but in a warped "I shared too much" way.)

Anyway, now that I can talk more freely here, let me tell you that we humans have always loved signs of exaggerated beauty. Barbie may be based on a 60 year old standard of beauty, but she still has very much in common with today's hot uber models. So I give you "The Top 10 Reasons Why Barbie Is Like an Uber Model."

1) Barbie, like fashion models, was designed to be a clothes hanger. Just something to put clothes on, while we all make new outfits.

2) Neither Barbie or models can stand up on their own two feet. Barbie's proportions are such that she'd fall over, even without those arched feet tipping her forwards... Models are always reclined, leaning, draped, splayed or otherwise not standing on their own two feet. My guess is that models are too thin & weak to stand. (Runway models are excluded, as are the Walk Lively Barbies.)

3) 'Ethnic' models are much like 'ethnic' Barbies - the skin color may be darker, but the features are 'white.' And we won't even discuss her hair...

4) Like models of today, Barbie has no period. She's plastic, & models are so thin, they do not menstruate.

5) Barbie thinks she can do anything. There's doctor Barbie, astronaut Barbie, & even McDonald's Barbie. Models also think they do anything, like act, sing or write books. Super models have even tried to have restaurants.

6) No one looks like 'our standards of beauty.' Barbie's had some work done too: her breasts are implants (no boobs that size are that firm, in fact, she might want to sue Dr Ken...), and let's face it, for 60, she's obviously had numerous face lifts. Her face isn't even the same anymore. Do I need to say anything about the rib-taken-implanted-lippoed-lifted-tucked-dermabraided models?

7) What's inside, doesn't count. Pop off Bab's head. Look inside, up or down, it doesn't matter. There's nothing there, not even a creamy filling. No wonder you hear about models hitting their handlers. They also lack a sweet inside, or anything else 'inside.'

8) Barbie stopped wearing panties, and opted for tattooed ones. Models stopped wearing panties, and got tattoos.

9) Barbies come & go, but you really only remember your first one. I can only identify one model. Christy Brinkley. Cindy Crawford doesn't count, cuz she's been in movies.

10) No sex, or limited postions. Sure, Barbie can do the splits one way, but force 'em to do it the other way, the way you'd need to for missionary sex, & her leg pops off. Models too must have their thin legs snap off if they have basic sex. Or perhaps this is why you hear that 'models are kinky types.' They are positions limited. This may not be true, but I needed a number 10.