Different Daughters: A Book Review

First, a daughter's point of view on Different Daughters by Louise Rafkin (Editor):

Different Daughters is filled with one very important constant: mothers' desires for their daughters to find happiness.

Different Daughters, a book of first-hand accounts written by mothers of lesbians, is in its third edition. It is full of tales recounting the coming out of lesbians to their families, highlighting the special relationship between mothers and daughters.

While many of the stories illustrated moments of confusion and prejudice surrounding the coming out of their daughters, it is still filled with one very important constant: a desire for their daughters to find happiness. The books includes 32 stories from mother’s who have had many years to develop relationships with their daughters to those more freshly dealing with what it means to have a gay daughter. It covers many stages of the coming out process from confusion to complete and total acceptance.

We are reminded that there is more to coming out than the acceptance and love of family. Mothers also take into consideration the difficulties their daughters face in society today as well as the needs to protect them from harm both physically and emotionally. We are also reminded that it is often the role of the mother to protect the daughter from judgment and ridicule of family members.

This is a great book for any lesbian wanting to come out of the closet, or any mother looking to find advice from other mothers dealing with what it means to have a gay daughter. A well conceived piece with easy to read tales from real people.

Now, a mother's point of view on Different Daughters edited by Louise Rafkin:

Even if you are not related to a lesbian, this is a book you need to read as her friend.

I think I approached this book with too high of an expectation and, as a result, finished with mixed feelings. I know I was hoping for an answer that would help “make things right” with mothers of lesbians. As the “second” mom to a lesbian, I had hoped that this would be the “silver bullet” that would wake up her birth mother and lead to reconciliation. I came away with the realization that each mother must take a personal journey in the acceptance of her daughter who is lesbian.

It was not until I was half way through Different Daughters that I really felt the angst many of the mothers feel. Until that point I had felt like the mother who attended a PFLAG meeting that everyone was so comfortable with her daughter’s sexual orientation. I felt many were not sharing their discomfort, fear, and disappointment. These were women who were sharing from the other side of their journey into acceptance.

One other weakness I saw in Different Daughters was that too many mothers were from the San Francisco Bay area. Mid-America was under represented. It would be too easy for someone from Iowa to dismiss the book as not representing their community. After all, they are a lot weird out there in California. I personally would like to have heard from mothers from the middle part of the country who have grappled with their daughters being lesbian.

One of the messages that came through loud and clear was it was the mothers’ disappointments that were the issue. As parents they had invested their esteem in the expectations of their daughters and the dream of family, complete with grandchildren, would not be realized for them. Many voiced concerns about how their own friends and family would react to a daughter’s revelation. Some would not voice their child’s orientation to friends and family. In fact, they kept the “secret” from those closest to them. One mother with roots in Mexico still does not tell her mother about her granddaughter’s lesbianism.

Different Daughters: A Book by Mothers of Lesbians

The second message that comes through in Different Daughters is that of acceptance and love. I was impressed with one mother who thought in the beginning that her daughter could be “fixed” with therapy but came to realize her daughter’s sexual orientation was not a choice she made and came to accept her daughter and love her as the person she is. Whether the mothers participated in marches supporting lesbian rights or quietly accepted their daughters as they are, all voiced the need to simply love their lesbian daughters as much as their other children. The daughters were not making a choice to spite them.

Is this a book that needs to be read by mothers struggling with their daughters being a lesbian? Definitely. As with any crisis in our lives, it helps tremendously to know we are not alone. It helps mothers to know that others have also been ignorant of facts, devastated by the realization, felt a sense of loss and came to acceptance and love.

Will Different Daughters be a cure all? No. Each mother must find in herself the strength and love to accept her daughter. Every mother will take a different journey. But unless she is willing to take that journey, she will lose her daughter.

Do I recommend this book to mothers of lesbians? Most definitely. The message is loud and clear. This is your daughter. You nurture her. You support her. You love her. You accept her as she is.