How Do You Get Him To Discuss His Fantasies With You?

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Olympia returns, to answer the question.

"How do I get my boyfriend to discuss his fantasies? When I am direct, & ask him, he seems to just want to give answers to let me know he is happy with our sex life. But I know there's got to be at least one hidden in there! Any ideas on how to get him to talk or what to do?"

Mystified in Ohio

Dear Mystified,
First things first. Why are you asking? Are you trying to expand your intimate horizons together and want to know if he has any thoughts? Or are you trying to browbeat him into assuring you that the sex between you outstrips any fantasy he could ever conjure? If it's the latter, I got nothing. If it's the former, maybe we could work on some delivery techniques.

1. Timing
If your boyfriend seems reticent about sharing this information in the light of day, wait till you're in bed. If he seems uncomfortable telling you about the Coors twins while you're sucking him off, try bringing it up on the way to the Dairy Queen.

2. Entree
I always find that a great way to initiate some sort of what's your pleasure discussion is when a man is pleasuring me. I lie back, relishing what he's doing and say something like, "you know what I'm thinking about?" and then when he asks I let him know that I'm imagining being whipped/pleasuring two midgets/taking it up the ass while hanging upside down/insert fantasy here. This lets him know that it's OK to think about whatever he wants during sex.

If there's a fantasy you have, share it and ask if he's ever thought of trying it, but don't make it quid pro quo like because you just shared a fantasy now it's his turn.

I suspect that the problem might be the way you're asking. After all, few men will pass up the opportunity to tell their women what turns them on. Perhaps phrasing it like that instead of asking for a fantasy, which conjures up images of sophisticated planning, when he might not have actualized his fantasies as much as you have, would work better.

Sex shouldn't be filled with anxiety and being repeatedly asked by your partner to share the fantasy she knows your hiding, does provoke anxiety. Start by opening up yourself and see what comes of it.

Olympia Manet

Olympia is an exclusive consort in her late 20s, living and working in Manhattan. She writes a daily journal at Postmodern Courtesan. You can read her earlier visit with us here.


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