Janet's Story, Part Two - Sex~Kitten.net

Most people have difficulty understanding why a guy should want to appear as a girl, she pointed out. She admitted that in all likelihood, the vast majority of people would think such behavior is a bit 'nutty'. Laurie chuckled, saying "Sometimes I think I am a bit nutty". I replied that I agreed that it was difficult to understand, but I didn't regard it as 'crazy' or 'nutty'. To my way of thinking, it could be best described as 'different'.

Laurie agreed that was a good way to put it.

"There are a lot of theories," Laurie went on, "but no one really knows for sure what causes one to be a crossdresser. The ultimate test of a theory was whether or not it resulted in a 'cure' and there is no evidence of any such 'cure'. Perhaps it really doesn't matter."

"All we have is life to be lived. We have to accept who we are and after all, there are some advantages to being a Crossdresser. I discovered when I was rather young that 'dressing' resulted in my feeling very much alive - in fact, intensely alive. I really felt life more fully, even after I had to go back to my male self. Perhaps that is what we all want - to feel alive - and maybe that is what all living organisms seek. I don't mean to give the impression that 'dressing' is the only activity that produces this feeling, but it ranks near the top of all things that make me feel enthusiastic and really alive".

Most people tend to just exist.

To feel really alive one has to be open to new possibilities.

"Once I was able to create a realistic female illusion and could 'pass', I noticed a distinct change in the way I saw the world. This change in the way of 'seeing' came about not only from my efforts to appear as a woman, but also from the way in which others related to me. In other words, as they related to me as a woman, I began to respond as a woman."

"It wasn't totally an act. It came about ... well ... I guess, naturally. I found it uncanny at first but I rather quickly began to savor the experience. Oh, I don't mean that I had become a woman emotionally, although from time to time I no longer felt I was acting. It was simply that I was able to glimpse the world, at least partially, from a woman's perspective."

"Reality was slightly altered."

"This isn't anything really new. The best actors and actresses are able to achieve this instinctively. In portraying the person in the play they actually become that person. Of course it takes a lot of study and research to grasp the core of a person's life. The result is that the actor begins to see the world from the perspective of the person he has become. He has a slightly altered view of the world. Unfortunately, actresses and actors rarely cross gender lines. This is surprising when you consider that the theatre in both Eastern and Western cultures has a long history of males playing female roles. And, of course, females playing male roles have also occurred."

"Remember Sarah Bernhardt's success playing Shakespearian male leads. It's really too bad that crossing gender lines has been discouraged because this narrows one's versatility and growth as an artist."

I commented that I was sure Laurie would have been a terrific actress.

"I did quite a bit of acting in college and in community theatres, but I never had the courage to try a female part." She laughed. "But being in the theatre did help me gain a better understanding of myself. I've grown and evolved over the years, and hopefully the 'me' of today won't be the same ten years from now. If I'm exactly the same, well, I'll have stopped learning and growing."

"One theorist has compared one's personality to a Chinese fan. You know, the kind that folds and as you open it, it becomes a nearly complete circle."

"Well, as one becomes proficient in playing many different life roles, one is opening the fan more and more. It seems reasonable to me that being a crossdresser, playing a female role, is a way of opening the fan quite a bit more. In doing that, one grows and expands one's ability to see the world."

Laurie frowned and seemed to be staring past my head to something on the wall behind me. Her smooth brow furrowed and she grimaced.

"There's a real danger here. One can become too involved in one role at the expense of other potential roles. It is quite easy to be seduced by one role. I sometimes am tempted to be Laurie a lot, even most of the time. But I know that for me, such a choice would limit my growth."

"Perhaps for someone else it wouldn't. But most actors and actresses try very hard to avoid being typecast."

"The various selves may not just randomly happen," Laurie added. "It is just possible that each person has lying dormant a variety of possible selves. They germinate if circumstances are right. That might explain why some of us become crossdressers. The seed was there and began growing when certain conditions developed. I guess you could say that each person has his or her unique possibilities. The task for each of us is to discover the many possible selves within us. We should make that fan as close to a complete circle as we can."

I can't begin to say how fascinated I was as I listened to Laurie. Never before had I heard such ideas and I could not imagine anyone explaining more clearly about crossdressing roles, acting and selves. She seemed so knowledgeable about it all. One of my college majors was psychology. What I remembered about crossdressing was that it was classified as a psychiatric disorder. But Laurie presented it as a possibility, not a disability.

I complimented her on this fascinating analysis, which I found both different and stimulating. Laurie only laughed, saying it wasn't unique or original. It was a compilation of her observations along with ideas proposed by others. When I added that she sounded like she was a shrink, she burst out laughing.

"Oh my heavens, I hope I don't sound too much like one."

With a twinkle in her eye she added:

"I'm actually an artist. My job is to teach people the art of living well."

Laurie changed the subject. She began talking about me, complimenting me on my appearance.We discussed fashions, places to shop and incidentals.

Finally there was a long pause. Laurie looked at me in an affectionate way. After a few moments she said to me somewhat hesitantly: ...

"Would you go out for dinner tomorrow night?"

I could not conceal my enthusiasm.

" Yes. I'd love to!"

But Laurie quickly added:

"I mean ... well I mean a real date ... I'll be Larry and ... well you know ... ." She began to laugh. "I'll try to be your all-round basic male ... and ..."

I began to giggle. Taking her hand I said:

"Let's forget about that all-round basic male stuff ..."

To my surprise I found myself saying:

"Oh Laurie, I think it would be delightful if you would be my date ...

A real date! I mean a real date...as two girls. I guess I like Laurie even better than I like Larry."

Laurie had a surprised but delighted look on her face. I guess I was even more surprised at my saying what I did.

As I was getting ready to go out with Laurie, I kept thinking over and over to myself, "Am I becoming nutty? Am I a lesbian? I'm very attracted to Laurie ... and to Larry. But they're the same person ... but they are also different!" All of a sudden I could hear Laurie laughing and suggesting that I was becoming too serious about one possible role.

"Remember, there are infinite number
Of possible parts
And an infinite number of plays in
Which one can take a role."