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"Beyond the Big Talk" by Debra W. Haffner, M.P.H. Discussing sexual things with children is not easy, even for someone as progressive and open-minded as I am. Books like this give parents a starting point and get them thinking about what they will say to their children about sex. Because “nothing” shouldn’t be an option. Here’s why the “Big Talk” approach is a bad idea. If you save up everything you want to tell your kids about sex for one big discussion, and never mention it any other time, the conversation is bound to be too awkward and embarrassing for either of you to gain anything from the experience. As a parent, your message needs to be “I am a trusted source for information about sex. Come to me and ask if you want to know. Come to me and tell if you have something you need to share.” One big Sex Talk will not convey this message at all. Instead, the message will be “I’m so uncomfortable talking to you about this and I really hope you never ask me or tell me anything sexual.”
Haffner recommends “teaching moments” throughout your child’s life. For instance, you might allow your 12-year-old to watch a movie (with you) that shows some graphic sex and nudity under the condition that he will spend half an hour afterwards discussing the movie with you. Rated R movies have great teaching moments in them! Why do so many parents insist on depriving their children of that?
  Haffner’s book is heavy on statistics. Some readers may appreciate this kind of detail; I tend to skip over the numbers. One statistic notably missing is the number of cases of HIV contracted through teen sex in our country. I believe this is because HIV/AIDS is almost never passed from one teen-ager to another. Since teens are not likely to be in any of the high-risk categories for AIDS, they’re not likely to be infected. Yet we are told to teach our kids that they can die of AIDS if they have unprotected sex with their teen-aged boyfriends and girlfriends. I don’t have a problem with the “safe sex” message, but I do have a problem with lying or exaggerating the danger as a scare tactic. Personally, the spread of Herpes should be enough reason to use a condom and it’s for real.
Fathers, in particular, need to be aware of the messages they send to their teen sons about sex. Haffner reports that sons of fathers who talk to them about sex are much more likely to engage in sex than sons of mothers who do.
Our goal as parents is to create sexually healthy teen-agers. “Sexually healthy” doesn’t mean teens who abstain or teens who have sex. It has nothing to do with their genitals or what they do or don’t do with them. It has to do with being informed and psychologically healthy about sex. Sexually healthy adolescents appreciate their bodies, take responsibility for their own behaviors, and communicate effectively in appropriate and respectful ways. This, to me, is so much more important than whether or not my son is jacking off or whether my daughter is a virgin.
What I like most about Beyond the Big Talk is Haffner understanding that not all parents have the same values about teen sex. Some parents are more disturbed by it than others. Yet, even if you are liberal-minded enough not to be bothered at all by your teen’s sexual behavior, you need to convey responsible messages about sex and the consequences.
Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens, From Middle School to College,
by Debra W. Haffner & Alyssa Haffner Tartaglione
Review by Tess.
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