The Women We Become by Ann G. Thomas EdD

The complete title of this book is The Women We Become: Myths, Folktales and Stories About Growing Older. I have just completed a course on myths and stories in our world and the possible need for new ones. I came away from the course believing that we might need new stories as our society evolves, but for the most part I came to believe that we need to reconnect with the stories and myths that have been passed down through the generations. This book reaffirms my belief.

Ann G. Thomas is a psychotherapist who has worked for years with women who have faced the issues of aging. What Thomas discovered was what the storytellers of long ago knew: we must continue throughout our lives to grow and develop emotionally and spiritually to have a healthy and hopeful old age. Though many of the externals of our lives change, the ancient storytellers knew that the nature of the human and the universe are constant.

Now, most of us don’t want to admit we are aging. There is nothing we can do about that. What we can do something about is how we age. To help us through that process, Thomas has combined powerful stories and myths from cultures all around the world with psychological insights to help us reconnect with those aspects of our lives we keep buried deep inside – the masculine and dark feminine parts of us.

Confusion in the mid years
As many of us reach the mid-life crisis, we are depressed and discontent with our lives. Many of us are considered successful by society standards. We have raised children, been active in our communities, often held down a job, and kept a home. But there is that nagging feeling that something is missing. In the myths about young heroines the story is often resolved through violence. Gretel kills the witch and frees her brother. However, in stories about older heroines, it is often through stealth and cunning that the adversary is overcome. In the story of the Old Woman who chased the rice cake, she takes the time to assess the situation and form a plan of action. The older heroines are the ones who do not act immediately but take time to consider and evaluate. Then they act boldly.

Good Witch/Bad Witch
We all know older women who are wonderful and nurturing to be around. Others, as they age, seem to push away all friends and family through their crusty attitudes and generally nasty demeanor alienate all she comes in contact with. These are women who have tapped into the “dark feminine” and embraced her as who they are. We need to recognize that dark side of our lives. For some of us it gives us the energy we need to function, like the old woman Thomas met at a conference who was crippled by arthritis but refused to allow that disability to limit her growth.

The Good Enough Mother
There is one term I particularly like: good enough mother. Most of us long for the “good mother.” However, if you think about it, like Thomas, that woman is Mrs. Clause. The “good enough” mother is the one who loves us enough to set boundaries. We don’t always feel good around her. We are “good enough” mothers to our children by setting boundaries for them. We discipline and reprimand them to help them set the boundaries they will need in their lives to survive. But, we are often not the “good enough” mother to ourselves. We allow ourselves to binge (I recognized myself here) through shopping sprees and food using “I deserve it” as the justification. We have not set the boundaries for ourselves like we do for our children.

The Recommendation
I don’t often read every word in every book I pick up. This is one book I have taken my time to read, reread and ponder. I have decided that I do want to be the “hag” or “crone” in the ancient sense of the words. I want to be the wise woman who understands who I am and embraces that old woman as something wonderful.

Whether you are 30 and fighting the first signs or aging or 75 and have realized that you are old, this is one book that should be read by all women. You will find yourself in many of the stories. Thomas provides sound psychology and engaging examples from real women’s lives, all relating to the myths and stories she retells. It is not an academic tome and is very readable.