Married to a Cross Dresser

Annie: My spouse told me, we had dated awhile and he is older than I and had been married 22 years before me and had always hid it and swore to himself he would not go into another relationship without telling his partner first... sat me down and said he had something important to tell me and scared me to death, for all the things I could think of this wasn't what I was expecting to hear... I just knew he was a ex con or murdered someone or worse lol But alas he told me and I laughed (from relief) and then quickly had to explain it was such a relief that was all it was. I had heard of it and had friends that were TV's and so no biggy, but as of then had not dated one... I am pretty open minded and have always felt you can never tell anyone what to do and try to change them, always accept them for who they are and so this was a part of him and I loved him and that didn't change after the announcement so we went on with relationship and me being who I am always have to study anything new I hear of or I am interested in, looked up books and articles trying to learn more about it. But it didn't matter. I loved him and we would do what we wanted and no book would change that.

When you learned of the crossdressing, how did you feel? Did it take some time to become comfortable with the idea?

Annie: As I said above, I was relieved, for I just knew the news was something worse... and we just took a day at time. He is a very quiet and private man, and when not at home is very manly man and would die if anyone found out. It's a promise I would always keep for him and also for myself... I didn't want people I knew to know it either. I think I was afraid of that as much as he was... of someone finding out... especially my daughter who was young child at home.

What issues does this bring up for you as a partner ~ are there trust issues overing his being gay or bi? Do you worry about gender identity fears? Do you feel threatened or challenged by this?

Annie: I never felt threatened or worried about it at all. I knew he wasn't gay and as I said I had friends who were TV's and not gay, they just liked dressing up, and mostly in lingerie and mostly for a sexual arousal... in fact we embraced it. He had someone finally in hislife to accept him as he was and we shopped together and played together and made private jokes about it, that only he and I knew what it was about. And our sex life was never better -- it's fantastic in fact!

How does it feel to call him by a woman's name?

Annie: He has never asked me to do that and don't know if he has one, and even after 25 years, he still hides his things (out of years of habit) and we use mostly in our romantic times and/or if he is alone and as I say doing his thing. I always gave him plenty of alone time and a extra room at home to make just his... I do have friends that do have female names, and it didn't bother me to call them by that name. It was always when no one else was around.

How did you move past the concerns? What was the most helpful in understanding the cd world?

Annie: As I said I had no concerns and embraced it and me being who I am, I am a giver and enabler (alcoholic father)....and yes my spouse is one too and I didn't know this at first, but it is normal to be attracted to the same you were raised with.... Anyway, I loved shopping for him and bringing home gifts and surprising him and then having a romantic evening playing with and trying on all his new things and then making love, which was always very passionate... All that I have known are very good lovers, very caring, romantic and passionate men.... I have noticed (and did study and really have thought of writing a book), that the ones I have known have come from homes with a very domineering mother, or house full of women.... all were alcoholics (which is another whole story)... It covers the pain... and were also diagnosed as a *misogynist* which is a man who hates women, but doesn't realize it. Example and good book to learn of this is "Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them", a very good read. This comes from the dominoerring mother and abuse and it is all subconscious... for they all loved their mother on the outside and had her on a pedestal... to admit how bad things were would be to painful... so as he grows older, finds someone to love with all their hearts, put on a pedestal with mother and cherish her and subconsciously sabotage and hurt her and not even know they are doing it... it would have to be taped and shown to them and they would still deny they did anything mean. But I digress from what you asked about... Sorry, I find it such interesting subject...

Advice to anyone who dates or finds themselves in a relationship with a crossdresser:

Annie: Well if you can, accept it. If you know you just can't, then get out right away. I know that they all have issues if they cross dress -- *I* just believe that, but what man or woman doesn't have issues? But for a caring loving sensitive man, I have not found any better. And each couple will be different, some will be out in open about it , some not.... we prefer not to have anyone know and keep it private and are happy with that arrangement. So if you think you can accept it and love the person, I say try it... I can think of a a lot worse things a man could be into... And not just because they have found a woman to accept them for who they are. They to are more sensitive and want to remain loyal and with that person too... I guess the feminine side brings that out too.

© Gracie.
*Annie is the name the woman wishes to be identified as. She is real, & for privacy reasons, we honor her request.