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The Dominant Submissive Most people, when it comes to BDSM play, assume the dominant player is the "top" and the submissive personality is the "bottom". Those of us who've been in the scene for awhile know better. When I first started out as a dominatrix, the profession appealed to me because I'd always been tall, bitchy, and could easily inflict pain on other people. I thought it'd be fun...and to make money tying up men, spanking and humiliating them was just the icing on the cake. I never realized how hard it would actually be. My first sessions were often with foot fetish types who rarely wanted much S/M play. I longed to beat people's asses, but lacked any technique in my sessions. I had trouble coming up with the right things to say without offending the submissive and often the sessions ended in disappointment. I needed to learn more about the structure of proper BDSM play.
So I began working as a submissive.
Originally, it was purely by accident, but the idea had always intrigued me. I had answered an ad in the paper looking for a dominant and when the woman interviewed me, she asked if I'd be interested in doing sessions as a submissive. Never did she use the word 'switch', but she obviously knew a lot more about the nature of BDSM that I had originally thought. I was scared at the idea, but agreed, knowing that I'd learn a lot more about being a good domme by experiencing what it was like to be on the other side. Sure enough, not only did I learn more about being a good domme, but I learned a more about myself as well.
Like many people who have 'dominant' personalities, sexually, I'm submissive. Though I don't enjoy extreme pain or humiliation, I enjoy being in the submissive role in bed. During my years working as a dominatrix, I' was often asked if topping someone was a turn-on to me. Not at all...and quite frankly, I never understood how it could be for anyone. The top is the one doing all the work catering to the bottom's fantasies, trying to respect their limits, while making sure they obtain a release at the end. The dominant usually never achieves orgasm, at least not very often. I started to realize that being a domme really was hard work and not something I enjoyed doing much in my personal life.
Soon, I began to put all the pieces together. Most of the clients I saw at the dungeons I worked at were corporate businessmen who were often in positions of power at their jobs. They would engage in BDSM sessions as a release, a way to switch roles for a short time as a release from their daily functions. Most of the best dommes I worked with seemed to have submissive personalities. So when we use the term "roleplaying", we really are doing just that. The role you play in your BDSM life is often the opposite of your real-life position.
I didn't work as a sub for very long, as it began to conflict with my attitude that I should be dominant, all the time. However, I often had fantasies of submissive play and even placed ads online attempting to find a partner I felt comfortable with. I never did go through with them. These days, I'm trying to get my boyfriend (who's foreign to BDSM play) to entertain some of them in our regular sex life, but it's often a difficult process. Finding a comfort level for both people is often the hardest thing in any S/M relationship. He's trying, though, and I can appreciate that.
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