My Singalong Boudoir, Lube, and Some of my Other Favorite Things

Not being a musical theatre type of fag, I find it personally offensive that I’ve had “My Favorite Things” running through my head for a week now. While I am, indeed, a fan of whiskers on kittens and the occasional crisp apple streudel, I could do without cream colored ponies all together and I’m not even quite sure what schnitzel is and whether it’s all that great with noodles. I suppose that under the right circumstances a girl in a white dress and a blue satin sash could be sexy-in-that-innocent-but-dirty-way, but I am probably better off giving you, dear readers, a list of things I actually like and not a recap of what makes Julie Andrews smile. (A special present for those Sound of Music who read to the end: there may be a sexed up reprise of “My Favorite Things” hiding at the bottom of this piece.)

I was brainstorming possible favorites—favorite sex acts, favorite sex stores, favorite Muppets to fantasize about having sex with, favorite kinds of lube….you know, the usual. A side note: my boyfriend thought I should write about the Muppets one but I’m afraid that y’all will think I’m super-weird and never read me again. We’ll save that one for next year.

In the mean time, what better gift to give a loved one this holiday season than the gift of a spicier sex life? While one could spend a whole life trying to figure out the magic ingredient to the perfectly-spiced sex life, I have come to the conclusion that the answer is twofold: breathing and lube.

I cannot, in this venue, teach you how to relax and breathe, but I can give unsolicited opinions of some of my favorite lubes. Lube is, of course, a personal preference. Some may be more prone to yeast infections and prefer to avoid lubes with glycerin, and some people may simply hate lubes that dry out and thus be loyal to silicone-based lubes. As always, there are different lubes for different purposes, so just keep in mind that oil-based lubes are not safe for use with latex because the oils degrade latex and leave it more likely to break. Also, if you’re using silicone toys, it’s best to avoid silicone-based lubes as they can sometimes have bad reactions with the toys. That said, may your holidays be slippery and fabulous:

Water-based lubes-- • My all-time favorite water-based lube is aptly called Sex Grease. It stays slippery for a good long time, doesn’t have a foul taste to it, and is thick enough for most kinds of play. It does contain glycerin so it may not be the best choice for those prone to yeast infections, but you can’t beat the feel of it!

• The bottle that Liquid Silk comes in looks more like an innocent bottle of lotion than anything else. Indeed, Liquid Silk has a lotion-like consistency and advertises that it contains skin conditioners and vitamin E and it contains no glycerin. I think it has kind of a funky, almost-bitter taste, but it has a good staying power and doesn’t get sticky as it dries. Another bonus: it comes in a handy pump bottle which is perfect for re-lubing whilst in the midst of play. Be warned that Liquid Silk is rather thin; the same company makes a lube called Maximus which has many of Liquid Silk’s finer qualities and is also thicker and thus better for anal play.

Silicone-based lubes

• Wet Platinum is a thin lube with a ton of slipperiness to it. I keep a tube of it in my shower because, well, you never know when you might need it. I also have two (yes, two) vibrating rubber duckies in my bathroom so clearly I follow the Boy Scout credo of always being prepared. Because it’s a silicone-based lube, Wet Platinum has the staying power of a crappy Republican president (though I’d rather have 8 years of lube than 8 years of Bush, but I digress). It’s perfect for marathon sex-sessions and also for using in or around water, as it won’t wash away.

• Thicker than Wet Platinum is a fabulous find straight from Mr. B’s, a leather and rubber store in Amsterdam. Called Fist this is a thick lubricant jelly that comes in a nice tub. It has amazing staying power and stays slippery for a long time—sometimes even longer than you want the lube to be there. My safety warning is to be careful when using because of contamination: if you put some lube on your hand and then put your hand wherever it is you’re putting it, if you then put your hand back in the tub of lube then you risk getting bacteria into the lube.

Fortunately there are lots of kinds of lube in the world. I consider myself to be a kind of lube connoisseur (or a lube slut, if you want to be a little less delicate about it) because I believe in having many kinds of lube on hand so you can always have one that fits the mood and the activity.

I’ve never been particularly good at picking favorites and when it comes to sex/toys/accessories the task becomes even harder. In honor of the song that has been annoyingly prancing through my head all week, I leave you with my own rendition of some MORE of my favorite, sex-related things:

Black fur-lined wristcuffs and silicone strap-ons
Adjustable bondage straps made out of nylon
Boys with cute asses all hung up in slings
These are a few of my favorite things

Lubes that don’t dry out and duckies that vibrate
Having a sexy, adorable playmate
The feeling of slight tugging on nipple rings
These are a few of my favorite things

Heavy suede floggers that leave behind red marks
Fun human puppies who nuzzle and bark
Morning orgasms and hot mid-day flings
These are a few of my favorite things

When I’m horny
When I’m bored, or
When I’m feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don’t feel so bad!