A T-riffic Juncture: Thoughts on Body and Identity

I’m sitting here with a box in front of me. It arrived via UPS 3-day and it contains syringes and a vial of testosterone (T). Thanks to a fabulous medical provider—a luxury which is not lost on me—I now have a prescription to start injecting T every other week. It’s both thrilling and frightening at the same time; while there are plenty of trannies out there who have been on hormones for a long time, there’s no real medical research about the long-term effects of T on bio-girls nor are there studies about the impact of starting and then stopping T. It’s a crapshoot, but one that I am undertaking with tons of hope that my outer presentation will become more aligned with who I know I am on the inside. Cheezy but true, so there you have it.

Writing on the theme of body parts is particularly striking at this time as I’m standing at this juncture. It still blows my mind that for most transfolks getting a script to start on hormones is such an ordeal. If you’re non-trans, as long as you have money you can do whatever you want to your body. You can get a facelift, a boob job, liposuction, botox…whatever you don’t like about your body you can change. You can change your face, your body structure, all without much more than a blink from medical and social establishments.

People go on national television (note: The Swan) and undergo these dramatic, total makeovers and as far as I know none of them needed a note from their psychiatrists saying that they were fit to make those choices.

For trans folks, there are more hoops. Most medical providers follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care when it comes to hormone therapy and sex reassignment surgery for transfolks. These standards are not without debate within the trans community but no matter whether any given person agrees with them, most medical providers follow them. The Standards of Care require that any trans person desiring hormone replacement therapy be diagnosed with a Gender Identity Disorder (GID) and have a letter written by a mental health professional to the doctor stating that the trans person in question has followed all the rules set forth by the Standards of Care and that they are fit to be starting hormone therapy at that time.

Fortunately there are some really amazing health care providers who specialize in working with transfolks and they can help make this process less painful. Not all providers insist on following these standards and many providers who do realize that the Standards of Care are problematic in and of themselves.

I’m acutely aware of my body parts these days. As I start injecting T I expect that my body fat will start to redistribute away from my hips and butt and towards my stomach. I expect that my girl-bits will change and increase in size, as will my libido also increase. I expect that I’ll become a little hairier and that if I continue on T that my vocal cords will elongate and my voice will drop. I expect that the texture of my skin will change and I’ll be able to build muscle mass more easily. My appetite and my metabolism should increase.

In a way it’s hard to sit here on the brink of change realizing that the body I’ve had for more than 25 years is about to change. While I remain firm in my conviction that this is the right choice I have not really ever felt 100% wrong in my current body. There are parts of my body I really enjoy so I acknowledge that this is also, to an extent, a parting with old ways, an old identity. I don’t think that I’ll ever be 100% male, but I’ll also never be 100% female. To me, gender is not all or nothing and the binary system of gender is in no way flexible enough to accommodate the range of expression and identity people embrace. Gender is fluid, much like the T that I’m about to inject into my ass.

I’m excited and scared at the same time. I can’t wait to see how my body changes and at what point I feel more like, well, me. I hope that one day trans people will be able to feel empowered to make decisions about their own bodies and that medical schools will start talking about trans health issues so that there are more fabulous trans-aware and trans-affirming practitioners out there.

One thing about this process that I value is that, as a trans person, I feel like I can appreciate my body. Because it’s not always that easy to obtain hormones or access to surgery (things which not all trans people even want) I’ve been able to make deliberate choices and come to appreciate my body as an expression of myself. So, here we go!

I’ve been sitting here for what feels like hours trying to think of some Springer-esque, deep final thought, but I realize that this probably isn’t the time for final thoughts. Now is the time for ongoing thinking and appreciating and experiencing myself in a new way. Thank goodness for supportive partners and friends. Pardon the sentimental gushing here, but I realize that I have it pretty good. Stay tuned for more…