Hetero Sex Is A Joke
Bette Davis said: "Sex is God's joke
on human beings." And I believe her.
Sex is funny. It can look funny, sound funny - I won't remind
you of the other senses that can be funny. I'm willing to bet
we've all laughed during sex. (Hopefully it's a shared laugh!)
I have a friend, Ina, who confessed that she has laughed so
hard during sex, that she's "broken contact." That's a hearty
But sometimes I wonder how we even manage to make contact in
the first place. God, or whatever you believe in, sure has set
men & women up. No, I don't mean just that we are set up differently
- we've been set up!
Set Up #1 - Ass Backwards Connections
Our emotional drives & needs for sex are different. Completely
opposite. Men have sex to feel closer, and women, we need to
feel close emotionally in order to have sex.
I guess that all boils down to 'innies' & 'outies.' Men literally
need to 'plug it in' to get connected, while we need to trust
what's coming in...
Sometimes I think we are heading in opposite directions; still
connected with the same desires and needs, but like Dr Doolittle's
Push-me-Pull-you each of us is pulling 'our way,' causing a
strain. While some of us like to do it doggie style, we have
to at least get our heads going in the same direction. I don't
think we both can be ass backwards on this one.
Set Up #2 - Big Bang Theories
Did you know that men cycle their hormones daily? Yup.
Overnight their bods produce what I suppose is to be enough
testosterone for the day - but you know men, they aren't creatures
of endurance. So they wake up with that morning wood, and
they need to blow it all at once, in one spot - preferably
While there are benefits to morning sex for women, such as increased
pleasure due to pressure from fuller bladders, most women are
not so receptive to be receptacles first thing in the morning.
It's not just morning mouth and morning face that we creatures
are worried about. It's our mood. We tend to be more nocturnal
in our habits.
We are tied to the moon, and cats, & so we prefer to hunt,
or be hunted, at night. One could argue that historically
&/or genetically females choose to lay down at night with the
man who would protect them (& their babies) while they slept.
But my theory is that we like him to sleep in the wet spot.
Not just because we are vindictive little minxes, but because
we prefer to start our day clean - outside, and inside.
Set Up #3 - Our Engines Idle Differently
There's an old saying that a woman is like an old car:
She takes longer to crank up & she doesn't stop so well. Most
of us here likely don't have any idea about old cars needing
to be cranked, so let me modernize this one for you. Women
are like old cars in winter: We take longer to heat up, &
once we do, it's hard to get us to cool down.
Women require more to get hot. Foreplay, yes, but mentally
as well as physically we need to get into the mood for sex.
It irritates men that they have to woo us. So they complained
& made the car analogy up. Poor babies. And we don't peter
out (pun intended) easy either. This is probably equally irritating
to menfolk. They've arrived at their destination, & we have
run-on engines that knock & ping. It keeps them awake.
Well, if we ladies are all old cars, men are sports cars:
Build for speed & they spend way too much time trying to be
showy. What with all that self-admiration, I sometimes wonder why
they don't stay home & just polish by themselves.
Set Up #4 - Rubbing Eachother The Wrong Way
The more women have sex, the more they want sex. Perhaps
it has to do with that longer-to-heat-up-and-then-cool-down-thing.
Or maybe it's that once we feel close to someone, we open
up completely. But we are greedy little things -the more we
get, the more we want.
Men, on the other hand, do not operate the same way. Man has
limits. Not just time limits for how long he can go, or how
long between bouts, but apparently, on how much he wants to
literally be connected. This includes a low tolerance for
feeling connected emotionally.
Sometimes it's easy to imagine that men do only "want what
they can't have," but I think it has more to do with their
emotional capacity to be close. Or it's a chafed penis. There
are lubes for the parts, however we have yet to invent a lube
for men's emotional chaffing.
Given the funny nature of funny business, it's a wonder we
connect to propagate as a species.
This article previously ran in my column Amazing Gracie: Her Body Of Work at For The Girls dot com