Hetero Sex Is A Joke

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Bette Davis said: "Sex is God's joke on human beings." And I believe her.

Sex is funny. It can look funny, sound funny - I won't remind you of the other senses that can be funny. I'm willing to bet we've all laughed during sex. (Hopefully it's a shared laugh!)

I have a friend, Ina, who confessed that she has laughed so hard during sex, that she's "broken contact." That's a hearty laugh.

But sometimes I wonder how we even manage to make contact in the first place. God, or whatever you believe in, sure has set men & women up. No, I don't mean just that we are set up differently - we've been set up!

Set Up #1 - Ass Backwards Connections

Our emotional drives & needs for sex are different. Completely opposite. Men have sex to feel closer, and women, we need to feel close emotionally in order to have sex.

I guess that all boils down to 'innies' & 'outies.' Men literally need to 'plug it in' to get connected, while we need to trust what's coming in...

Sometimes I think we are heading in opposite directions; still connected with the same desires and needs, but like Dr Doolittle's Push-me-Pull-you each of us is pulling 'our way,' causing a strain. While some of us like to do it doggie style, we have to at least get our heads going in the same direction. I don't think we both can be ass backwards on this one.

Set Up #2 - Big Bang Theories

Did you know that men cycle their hormones daily? Yup. Overnight their bods produce what I suppose is to be enough testosterone for the day - but you know men, they aren't creatures of endurance. So they wake up with that morning wood, and they need to blow it all at once, in one spot - preferably in you.

While there are benefits to morning sex for women, such as increased pleasure due to pressure from fuller bladders, most women are not so receptive to be receptacles first thing in the morning.

It's not just morning mouth and morning face that we creatures are worried about. It's our mood. We tend to be more nocturnal in our habits.

We are tied to the moon, and cats, & so we prefer to hunt, or be hunted, at night. One could argue that historically &/or genetically females choose to lay down at night with the man who would protect them (& their babies) while they slept. But my theory is that we like him to sleep in the wet spot. Not just because we are vindictive little minxes, but because we prefer to start our day clean - outside, and inside.

Set Up #3 - Our Engines Idle Differently

There's an old saying that a woman is like an old car: She takes longer to crank up & she doesn't stop so well. Most of us here likely don't have any idea about old cars needing to be cranked, so let me modernize this one for you. Women are like old cars in winter: We take longer to heat up, & once we do, it's hard to get us to cool down.

Women require more to get hot. Foreplay, yes, but mentally as well as physically we need to get into the mood for sex. It irritates men that they have to woo us. So they complained & made the car analogy up. Poor babies. And we don't peter out (pun intended) easy either. This is probably equally irritating to menfolk. They've arrived at their destination, & we have run-on engines that knock & ping. It keeps them awake.

Well, if we ladies are all old cars, men are sports cars: Build for speed & they spend way too much time trying to be showy. What with all that self-admiration, I sometimes wonder why they don't stay home & just polish by themselves.

Set Up #4 - Rubbing Eachother The Wrong Way

The more women have sex, the more they want sex. Perhaps it has to do with that longer-to-heat-up-and-then-cool-down-thing. Or maybe it's that once we feel close to someone, we open up completely. But we are greedy little things -the more we get, the more we want.

Men, on the other hand, do not operate the same way. Man has limits. Not just time limits for how long he can go, or how long between bouts, but apparently, on how much he wants to literally be connected. This includes a low tolerance for feeling connected emotionally.

Sometimes it's easy to imagine that men do only "want what they can't have," but I think it has more to do with their emotional capacity to be close. Or it's a chafed penis. There are lubes for the parts, however we have yet to invent a lube for men's emotional chaffing.

Given the funny nature of funny business, it's a wonder we connect to propagate as a species.

This article previously ran in my column Amazing Gracie: Her Body Of Work at For The Girls dot com


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