Good Stuff for Naughty Girls

TROY. I want you to know that as I’m writing this the gods are smiling at me from above as the gilded angels sing. Okay, maybe not, but this movie was a gift from above. Do I even need to say it? Eric Bana, Brad Pitt, and Orlando Bloom half-naked in a Grecian-themed movie flexing their…er, acting muscles in the throes of desire, passion, and need. SCHAWING. Stock up on the batteries, brownies, and lube ladies…it looks like it’ll be an all-nighter.

2. Favorite PORN Porn Flick:

ISLAND FEVER 2. Alright, being an exotic hottie native to the islands, maybe I’m a bit biased, but there’s a reason that Hawaii is one of the top ten vacation destinations in the world. Beautiful black sand beaches, fresh water pools, lush rainforests, and as the postcards imply, live active “volcanoes”….”spewing”….”hot”….“lava” into the blue crystalline sky. Imagine all that with 2 hot strangers in compromising positions getting downright nasty. Not to mention the film is dubbed over with new-age music, so there is no cheesy dialog. That’s right you slackers, you can watch the movie at full volume in your parent’s basement and they’ll be none the wiser. Hint: For all you amateur porn-stars out there remember, sand, butt-cracks, and lube does not a happy porno make. Let’s be thankful and leave it to the pros.

3. Favorite Sex Toy:

THE RABBIT PEARL by Vibratex. The one and only. Sure it may be a bit pricey (about $60.00-$110.00) but isn’t your pleasure worth it? Let’s do the math shall we: Rabbit Pearl $90.00, 4 pack C-cell batteries $5.00, Water-based lube $3.00, 3 hours of non-stop orgasmic, fuzzy in the head, “I can’t feel my legs” pleasure…..priceless. This is probably the one piece of sex hardware that you will ever purchase that will pay itself off in 1 week-- maximum with orgasms alone, and you don’t even have to shave your legs. It doesn’t talk back, never loses speed, never needs to stop mid-thrust to keep from blowing its load and you never have to worry about STDs or a surprise bun in the oven. It’s all about the PEARL ladies, it’s time to join the club.

4. Favotie Sex Position:

MISSIONARY. Yeah, so you think I’m old fashioned, I prefer empowered. The missionary position provides easy transition and minimal mess from oral sex to penetration and you can control how much, how deep, and how fast you want it. Not dealing with an experienced stud…no problem. The missionary is idiot-proof. If the action isn’t working for you, guide them using your body motions and they’ll figure it out.

5. Favorite “I Didn’t Get There” Remedy:

CHOCOLATE HAAGEN DAAS. Let’s face it. No matter how much sexual prowess your partner yields…there will be…disappointments. Fear not dear reader for there are ways in which you can trick your mind into sexual gratification…CHOCOLATE be thy name. It’s scientifically proven to have the same effect on your mind as sex, with none of the messy mind games and morning after bullshit. It’s like an old lover that you fall back on time after time. Always there, always waiting, and always tasting so heavenly.

K-Y Lubricating Jelly. That’s right drugstore cowgirls, I’m seriously representing right now. Forget all the fancy expensive stuff that smells like berries or melons and promises special features like heat or friction, water based K-Y is the quintessential lube de jour. It never stains your sheets or clothes, won’t give you an infection, and won’t make your pussy burn like hell or smell like rotten fruit days later. And because its water based, it’s dildo maintenance friendly.

7. Favorite Naughty Girl Gear:

Frederick's of Hollywood. What a girl wants, what a girl needs, you’ll find it all here. From school girl to French maid costumes, hooker shoes to thigh high fishnet hose, Frederick’s is the one stop shop for the practical and not-so-practical inner stripper in all of us. P.S: Shop online for free shipping or giveaway deals.

8. Favorite Erotica:

Kushiel’s Dart by Jacqueline Carey. This series is not your “conventional” erotica, in that it does have an actual plot and great storyline, but the steamy parts are some of the best I’ve read. Not too over the top, but it does allow you to explore some of your most secret desires. Did I mention the characters are hot…no really hot. I won’t go into detail but let’s just say you’ll never look at priests the same way.

9. Favorite "Let’s Bone" Song:

Eminem’s "Superman". So what if he’s reborn white trash and still in love with his baby’s momma. He’s fine, cocky, and has a voice that stimulates you to the point of having to change your panties. Turn the lights out, light a few candles, straddle your subwoofer and turn the bass volume up…right about the time you reach the chorus “They call me superman…I’m here to rescue you”…you’ll be ready to move to 8-mile and start your own posse.

10. Favorite “I Could Be Gay For” Celebrity:

ANGELINA JOLIE. The lips, the eyes, the tits…its almost too much to take at once. She’s more than hot, she’s a humanitarian--wanting to the save the world one orphaned child at a time. So what if she’s a homewrecker…doesn’t it add to the appeal?

Lila Blake is a multi-ethnic beauty queen in the medical industry. She spends her days saving lives and her nights casting Puerto-Rican love spells. You better believe that she's the epitome of the term "Night Nurse"...