Lewd, Screwed & Tattooed (Part One)

While Erin's here for a visit, my mother-in-law, Kathy, calls our house to speak to her son. After he hangs up, he tells me of the plans he's made for me, without my knowledge. That conversation went a little something like this:

"Oh, how's everyone doing?"

"Oh, fine. In fact, mom and Erin want to take you shopping tomorrow."

"Yup. You pick them up in the afternoon, then we'll have dinner there at night."

"I pick them up...? Where are we going? ...You know I still can't find my way around this town..."

"Oh, it's OK, mom knows where you're going -- that adult toy store over by the industrial park, and then the tattoo parlor--"

"The what?!" It's not the adult toy story that freaks me out. Kathy has mentioned to me several times that she's been to the SK store, but has never had a toy, and doesn't know what to get. But she wants one. So I offered to help her in her decision making process. I know it may sound strange, this "Hey mom-in-law, let's go vibe shopping" but Kathy and I are really good friends, and that's what good girlfriends do. But this is the first I've heard of Kathy getting a tattoo.

"Mom and Erin want to get tattoos, and their using 'girls out shopping' to get out of the house without dad."

"You mean your dad's going to be upset about this?"

"Well, he won't be happy, but it's not like mom's a kid -- what's dad gonna do? Ground her?"

"But if they feel the need to hide this..."

"I don't know. Most likely dad already knows, and the girls only think it's a secret."

(Well, this goes on for awhile, and I'll spare you the repetitive conversation between husband & wife and get on with the story.)

You see, there are some issues here that I should really clarify. I am 10 years older than my husband, who is 9 years older than his sister. This makes me just 9 years my mom-in-law's junior, but Erin's senior by nearly 20 years. Adding to the strangeness, I've only met Erin once before, and she's a bit intimidating. Well, it's not that Erin herself is intimidating -- she's really very nice as far as I could see in one family gathering -- but she's pretty & voluptuous. One could say this is like me, but remember, she's a 20 years ago version of pretty, voluptuous me. With the sans-kids lifestyle of clubbing and dancing. For a mom who works from home, it can be rather intimidating to be face-to-face, side-by-side with her perky silhouette, with trendy clothes, and know that she's jiggling in all the right places. :sigh: Aging sucks sometimes.

Anyway, I can't say 'no' because I did promise Kathy the shopping trip. And I can't avoid Erin just because I'm insecure about myself or am missing my youth. So, I keep to the plan.

The next day, I arrive at Kathy's house to pick them up for 'girls shopping.' Fighting off my own personal issues, I stand awkwardly in the living room, wishing they had just been ready & met me in the driveway. My father-in-law is a nice man. A good man. But he's a conservative man, especially with words, and his silence always makes me wonder if he disapproves. Knowing I am part of a secret mission, I feel like I'm 16 and lying to my own father. I can barely contain myself.

I flee to the van as quickly as I can. Before they are buckled in, I'm lighting up. "Sorry, I know you don't smoke, but I really need this," I say on my exhale. " I can't believe we are doing this."

"Oh, in high school I used to smoke," replies Kathy, "and Erin, don't you smoke?"

Crap, I've outed Erin! Puff Puff.

"Oh, come on now, I know you & Luke do."

"Well, out of respect for you, we don't do it here, in front of you..."

"Oh, go ahead, have one if you want."

Erin changes the subject. "Why are you so nervous?" she asks me.

"Are you kidding me? You're both using me as an excuse to sneak out past dad to get tattoos!"

"Well, even if he does get upset, he's not going to blame you" says Kathy.

"Of course he will! I'm the daughter-in-law! We're like the black guy in a horror movie -- the first to get it!"