Betti Bleeds Like a Bitch

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Betti Mustang bitches about hormones-- namely her period and raw labia.

I got my period when I was twelve. It was in a foul mood and my temperament has only continued to decline over the past decade and a half.

I mean, it really sucked. Anyone ever try skateboarding on a quarter-pipe with a pad the size of a diaper on? That was pretty much the end of my skateboarding career. Comfortable horseback riding, dry-humping, tight-white jeans and barely there shorts all had to take a back seat to ďThe Red RiverĒ for a week out of every month. Damn it all to hell. The inconvenience of it! The nerve!

(On second thought, I did have an orgasm once while running track with a pad on. I guess the friction of the pad while I was running hit the spot. I could never recreate this... though Iíve tried. Iím pretty sure I won that race.)

Hormones. I fucking hate them. They are responsible for all of the trying and irritating things in my life-- body hair, breakups, acne, pregnancy, night-sweats, cramps, hysterics... you name it. If it sucks, it reeks of hormones.

I fly off the edge when I have PMS. Total looney. Back in the day, my ex and I would break up about once a month because I would accuse him of cheating on me. I was like a wildcat, she-lion, bitch-from-hell, a completely jealous crazy person. In hindsight, I see that it was simply hormones. Poor guy... He never did cheat. I would be mad about people that he slept with/dated/said hi to before we even met.

Yeah, I know.


Iíve always had really irregular periods-- sometimes twice a month, sometimes every other month. The every other month thing can start to freak you out when youíre sexually active. I wanted to create a ďPregnancy Test Mailed to Your HouseĒ once a month club. I swear, Iíve taken a million of those damn things in my life.

Life got a little better for me after I got brave enough to use tampons. They really freaked me out at first. I was a virgin until after high school so the idea of sticking this thing up my coochie was very unappealing.

Thanks to D.C.-- the first guy to finger me into oblivion, I finally worked up the nerve to go for it. It took me about ten minutes and three tampons to insert one correctly, but from that day forward life was a little brighter.

Then I heard about toxic shock. Being a borderline hypochondriac I naturally lost it and never wore a tampon again. Yeah, I know itís irrational. No one said I was rational.

In my early twenties I discovered Insteads and I swear by the things. They donít carry a risk of toxic shock, they donít give you ďpad burnĒ and you can fuck with them in. Itís almost like not having your period. Almost.

Currently, Iím riding the no-period-wave of breast-feeding. Oh, thereís a ton of hormones related to that, but Iím not gonna get into it now.

I have better things to do, like sit around and wait for menopause.


Until next time,

Betti Mustang


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Betti Mustang's Room

Betti Mustang is a word-nerd, tattooed, has her clitoris pierced, is hopelessly addicted to caffeine and is one hell of a 9-ball and Texas Hold 'em player. She is rumored to be fantastic in bed. You can find our more at her blog.

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