Fantasy Sharing: Proceed with Caution
Should you share your sexual fantasies with your partner? This question arouses some and scares the crap out of most. I've had both good and bad experiences on all ends of the fantasy sharing spectrum. Being an erotica author, sexual fantasies are part of my business. Yet even for me the sharing my intimate fantasies on a personal level with my husband can be scary and intimidating.
Everyone has sexual fantasies. Whether they are buried in the deep, dark, secret spots of your mind or played out in the open, you have fantasies. Some people just idly fantasize while others masturbate regularly to them. Some fantasies will always remain just a fantasy while others can come true (whether or not they should though depend on the person and the situation).
Once you have a sexual partner that you trust and are comfortable with you may toy with the idea of talking about fantasies, maybe even acting some of them out together. Proceed with caution this can be dangerous territory. Even when you think you know someone quite well, sometimes things can go horribly wrong or they can exceed everything you previously fantasized about. I guess itís pretty much like gambling, you have 50% chance things will go good or a 50% chance things can go really wrong.
I once had a lover who was himself a fantasy, he was older, married, and forbidden in so many ways. Our whole relationship was a fantasy. We only saw the best in and of each other because no pesky reality situations like living together or worrying about money or kids ever got in our way. We had stolen moments, passionate trysts and so much more. We shared many sexual fantasies and made many come true and it was all amazing, except one that should have been left alone. Even now, Iím still leaving that one alone, not going back there.
Iíve shared sexual fantasies with less than a handful of other lovers. One belittled me and made me feel like I was a freaky pervert, yet he had his own weird fetish, anotherís confessions to me were so off the wall even my sexually open mind said forget it, anotherís jealousy cut the relationship short and then thereís my husband. My husband and I have a wonderful sex life and weíve shared many fantasies, yet when it comes to certain topics we tread very lightly around each other. We learned that things can get very complicated when you really love someone. You can get possessive, territorial, and very emotional. Reactions can be unexpected even to you. We now know some things are better left unsaid and some topics are just off limits. One time we discussed some things that ended in a big fight instead of the hot, steamy sex romp we anticipated. Some fantasies are better left buried in your mind. Now I mostly keep my wildest thoughts hidden or I act them out by weaving wonderful images with words and ink so nobody gets hurt.
If you are considering sharing some fantasies I can offer a little advice from what I have learned. Of course I am making no claims that any of it will or will not work because everyone and every situation is different, but from my experiences there are some things I have learned. Test the waters by bringing up your fantasy in an impersonal way. Perhaps with a porn movie, magazine, or an erotic story that contains what you fantasize about, test their reaction to it. Discuss lightly what they think about it. If they freak out or seem turned off, you know better than to say share your personal fantasy. Other possible guidelines are start out with simple fantasies just involving the two of you and nothing too kinky or off the wall unless you know youíre both up for something really kinky and off the wall. Donít suggest involving other people if one of you is the jealous type. To involve other people you both have to be able to be comfortable with it. Some people think they are comfortable with it then placed in the situation or after the fact find out they arenít so OK with it anymore. Be careful once itís done you canít take it back. Another good idea is to never admit to fantasizing about your partnerís best friend, brother, sister, cousin, or any family member. Actually skip mentioning fantasizing about anyone specific at all, better to leave that one alone. Famous people are different though because they are a fantasy inside a fantasy. My husband knows I drool over Tom Welling (Clark Kent, Smallville) but we both know Iíll never get to act out any of those fantasies, so there is nothing to worry about (unless of course Tom is reading this and gets in touch with me :-)).
Fantasies are a wonderful thing. Sharing them with someone special can take your sex life to new heights of pleasure or make it crash and burn. Be careful and proceed with caution. Remember sometimes you should just keep things to yourself.