|
Lies and Myths Who can you trust if not your parents...friends...and lovers? The other day a friend and I were talking about the “lies our mothers told us.” After a few of the generic ones, we got around to lies we were told about sex. That was the start of this column and her final composition for her English class (she’s not covering too many of the sex items).
Masturbation
Even though many of the myths are aimed at young boys, myths abound for both sexes:
You will go blind if you masturbate
Boys who masturbate have hairy palms
Masturbation causes gas
If a guy masturbates before sex the woman won’t get pregnant
If you masturbate you can never have sex
Well, if these are true, we would have a world filled with blind, flatulent, hairy-palmed people. And the population would drop drastically.
The truth is that almost all of us masturbate at one time or another. For those periods when there was no one in my life with whom I wanted to share sex, masturbation was a comfort. In fact, sometimes it was even better than one or more of my partners. Also, if you masturbate before your partner you are letting him know what really turns you on. It can be a real rush.
Scare the kids
A lot of the myths have grown out of the desire of parents to scare the daylights out of kids and prevent them from having sex at all.
You will get sick if you have sex before your 25th birthday
If you have sex before 16 your hair will fall out
Kissing will get you pregnant
Fantasies about sex with a person of the same gender makes you gay
If your hymen is broken you are not a virgin.
Smoking menthol cigarettes makes men sterile
If a man drinks Tab Clear he will start having periods
You can get pregnant through oral sex
Many of these myths and no doubt others your parents told you have landed many middle-aged would-be swingers in therapy. My ex-jerk was so thoroughly traumatized by admonitions of this type that he is still under psychiatric care and makes Monk appear incredibly sane.
Pregnancy
It seems as though a lot of the myths surrounding sex have to do with pregnancy…mainly preventing it. If some of them weren’t dangerous, they would definitely be funny.
You won’t get pregnant…
if the guy pulls out before he ejaculates
if you have sex standing up or in the shower
if you pee right after sex
if it is your first time
if you have anal sex
if you are standing on a telephone directory
if you keep one foot on the floor
if you do it on a boat
if you jump up and down after sex
if you douche, especially with a bottle of cola
if the guy drinks lots of Mountain Dew his sperm count will be lower
The simple truth about pregnancy is that if a single swimmer makes it to the fallopian tube and penetrates a single egg, pregnancy happens. As for the one about the boat, just take a look at the number of births taking place just after the Pilgrims landed in Massachusetts or Hawaii.
Myths our partners told us:
If you swallow your boobs will grow
If someone massages your breasts the will get bigger
“blue balls” will kill me
Do I really need to say anything about these gems? What is incredible is that so many of us have fallen for the lines.
STDs
The myths about STDs are probably more dangerous than any going. There is a reason that the working girls in Nevada have to be tested weekly.
If you have sex quickly you won’t get one
You can’t get one with oral sex
You can’t get one with anal sex
Two condoms are better than one
One fact about STDs is they are transmitted by swapping bodily fluids…any kind of fluid. Probably the best way to avoid an STD is to have a barrier of some kind. And two condoms are not better than one…they only cause friction and will probably break faster.
Foods are aphrodisiacs
Oysters, bananas, artichokes, asparagus, avocados, basil, broccoli, chocolate, carrots, coffee, garlic, figs, ginger, honey, licorice, mustard, nutmeg, oysters, pineapple, pine nuts, raspberries, strawberries, truffles, vanilla and wine have been considered aphrodisiacs for centuries. Because avocados grow in pairs they remind many people of male testicles. Asparagus and carrots remind many people of the male penis. Other of the foods are simply good for maintaining a great balanced diet and health necessary for a great sex life.
So, when you plan that ultimate meal for sexual gratification, the hors d’oeuvres should be oysters on the half shell, Serve a salad of cold asparagus, carrots and avocados, a pasta liberally inbued with basil and truffles and a dessert liberally laced with vanilla and topped with chocolate honey, pineapple and strawberries and a sprinkling of pine nuts served with an imported coffee. If she isn’t allergic to shell fish and doesn’t break out in hives from the strawberries and go into diabetic shock from the honey and pineapple, you should have a great night’s romp…if you’re not too full and just want to sleep.
| 
Email Article
Print Article
Discuss This (5 Comments)
Del.icio.us
Furl
Technorati
Yahoo! My Web
Reddit
Column Archives
Column RSS Subscription
