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The year before I retired from teaching I had a senior English class that just happened to be made up of all girls. These were intelligent young women…it was a hard world literature class. I tell you this, because I want you to know that all of these young ladies were not “dumb.” One was valedictorian, one was salutatorian, two have become teachers (I must have done something wrong), one is in law school, and one became a banker with an MBA. They were athletes and cheerleaders. Two had been homecoming queens. This was not your average class of “nerds.”

The makeup of the class made it easy to hold discussions that might not have happened if there had been even one boy in the class. I forget what we were reading at the time, but it sparked a discussion about relationships. For some reason the discussion moved to abusive relationships. I was appalled when I found out in the course of the day that at lest 2/3 of the girls had been abused in some manner by their boyfriends. A couple had been punched. More often they were verbally abused: yelled at for talking to another boy, for going somewhere without their boyfriend, told what to wear, etc. They thought it was normal. Only one in the class had told her boyfriend to “take a hike” when he hit her.

Mothers, tell your daughters the truth about love and abuse.

I know that “the talk” is hard enough. But there are other talks we also need to have with our daughters. It is never OK to be abused…in any form. It’s time to talk to them about the signs that their boyfriends might be abusive:

· Blaming others for problems

Whether it’s their parents or friends at school or the police, when their friend blames someone else for their problems, it is a sign that they are not taking responsibility for their own actions. It is not the teacher’s fault they fail a test. It is not their parents’ fault they are grounded. The police don’t have it “in for them” because they are stopped speeding.

· Blaming you or others for feelings

In no way is your daughter responsible for her friend’s feelings. She will not make things better for him, nor will she be responsible if she breaks up with him for any actions he takes. No one can make another feel good. He is the one with low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem don’t like themselves very much. They may use words like “without you I am nothing.” It is tempting to want to stay and help this person. But, if your daughter stays in such a relationship, her friend will only continue to use her as a crutch and not get the help he needs to learn to like himself.

· Breaking or hitting things

Breaking a window or hitting a wall is violence. It is a diversion from hitting her.

· Constantly checking up on partner

It may see romantic that your daughter’s boyfriend is always calling her. It is a form of control. He wants to make sure she is not seeing someone else and is always “there for him.” If you see that your daughter is getting lots of calls from her boyfriend to just check up on what she’s doing, it’s time you step in and limit the calls.

· Controlling behavior

It’s one thing to have your daughter’s boyfriend tell her she looks nice in an outfit. It’s quite another when he begins to tell her what she is to wear. When she is told where she can go, what she can do and with whom she can go, it is definitely a sign that the relationship has entered an abusive stage.

· Cruelty to animals or children

The school bully has every potential of becoming an abusive partner. The guy who stuffs the little freshman into the trash can or locker is acting out aggression toward someone weaker than he is, and your daughter may be next.

· Explosive anger

The clue to this one is “does he get too angry?” These are the ones who hit walls or lockers, get red in the face, name call, or actually threaten violence to someone else. This is a serious warning sign of possible future abuse.

· Forcing sex on partner

“If you love me you’ll have sex with me” is outright emotional blackmail. It can even be more serious in the form of date rape. Sex under these conditions is not love…it is power. It is definitely abuse. Not only do you need to talk about this when you are talking about abuse, you also need to talk to your daughters when you have “the talk.”

· Forcing traditional gender roles

If your daughter’s boyfriend is talking about “boys do this and girls don’t” start paying attention. This can go as far as discouraging your daughter from attending college or entering a given profession: girls don’t become doctors and boys don’t become hair stylists.

· Isolation

This is a slow and insidious process. If you see that your daughter is starting to not talk to her friends other than her boyfriend, if he gets angry when she shows tender emotions toward someone other than him or when she spends time with someone other than him (even your family) take immediate steps. Isolation is one of the hallmarks of an abuser. The low self-esteem he has demands that he become the only person in your daughter’s life.

· Jealousy and Possessiveness

This goes hand in hand with isolation. Everyone gets jealous from time to time. When it becomes extreme and the abuser wants all of your daughter’s time and thoughts, it is a danger signal. When he becomes angry when you have a family outing and he is not invited or when your daughter is studying with girl friends it is time for you to have a very serious talk with her.

· Substance abuse

Because he was high or drunk is not an excuse for violence. Anyone who will abuse another person when they are not in control of themselves will also do it sober. Do not make excuses for the abuser.

· Threats of violence

Threats of violence against anyone are a red flag for abuse.

· Use of force during an argument

We all get into arguments. However, it does become abuse when we are shoved, punched and hit. No physical violence during an argument can be tolerated.

· Verbal abuse and name-calling

Verbal abuse and name-calling may be one of the more insidious forms of abuse. The abuser is trying to build up his own self-esteem by tearing down your daughter’s. The real problem with verbal abuse is that if it continues long enough we begin to believe it is true. It is never their fault.

If your daughter has already been abused by a boyfriend or knows someone who has, stress it is never her fault. She deserves better and cannot put up with the abuse. She is not alone. Teens across the country from all backgrounds are abused every year. She has to get out of that relationship; over time abuse gets worse. By staying with the abuser she is not helping him. No one is justified in attacking someone because they are in an argument or just don’t like what the other person is doing.

It works for both boys and girls.

I know I have talked primarily about girls. They are the ones who are most often abused by boyfriends. But abuse of a boyfriend by a girl is also common. If you have a son who is being abused by his girlfriend, you need to also have this talk with him.

One last word.

Check with Dad. You know, fathers have an innate sense about the boys their daughters date. Sometimes he has this feeling that “things ain’t just right.” Listen to him. Dad’s do have a sixth sense about their daughters.

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