Not Sexy Insanity - Sex~Kitten.net

I thought the sexy me was dead. Ever since the birth of my baby I had not been me. I know everyone says that is normal, but I’ve never been normal in my life so why start now? This is my third child, with the other two I didn’t have much trouble adapting and getting back to being sexy me, but this time I was no where close to being me again and it had been almost 4 months. Sexy didn’t seem to be coming back.

This time around instead of going back to being the sensual sexy woman that I was, I felt like a big mommy lump. The baby fat (the stuff that’s on me, not the baby) was a big part of it. I couldn’t fit into my clothes. I didn’t look or feel like me. I look in the mirror and did not recognize that person standing there. How much of who we are is wrapped up in how we look or how we perceive ourselves?

The pregnancy wreaked havoc on my body and my mind. It was stressful (Did you know stress kills brain cells and causes belly fat? No wonder I felt like a fat idiot), plus my life in general had been extremely stressful for awhile now because of many things not just the baby but then add a new baby to that and I was wiped out. I was a lump instead of the sex kitten/goddess that I was. At times I think I sat and stared into space drooling right along with the baby.

Not only did I not feel sexy, I didn’t want sex (part of that I’m sure was fear of getting pregnant again). Yeah, everyone says that is normal too. I was so sick of people telling me how I felt was normal. I am not a statistic, I know myself and I know for me these things aren’t normal. My husband told me he still thinks I’m sexy and still wants me but I have my doubts. When we actually had a few minutes together all I wanted to do was sleep or relax. If he touched me all I could think about was him running his hands over those god awful stretch marks this pregnancy bestowed upon me. I guess it was the third baby curse.

To add insult to injury I think I may have been suffering from some post partum depression, but it is hard to tell whether it was depression or just the effects of no sleep, wacky hormones, tons of stress and the fact that my thirtieth birthday was looming just days away and I had been reevaluating my life and not liking what I saw. I thought that surely I was going insane. Plus I was getting stupid (from all that brain cell killing stress). Just great, I had always been the sexy smart woman. Now what was I supposed to do, rely on my sparkling personality? Yeah right, my sparkling personality is actually dark, moody, and sarcastic and that’s on a good day. I’m too old to try to cultivate a new personality.

Everyone told me I would get back to being sexy me and regular me with time. I’m just a very impatient person. I crave instant gratification. I wanted sexy to come back...NOW! Instead I was a big mommy lump (thanks to all that stress produced cortisol) left sitting here in not sexy insanity.

On my anniversary I decided to get over it. I wanted to go out and have a nice dinner and some adult time with my husband. So the kids got sent to Auntie T’s and I pulled the sexiest outfit out of my closet that all my mommy curves could squeeze into. Wow! Moping around the house in sweats and baggy T-shirts had done nothing to accent my new curves. Sure I have always been curvy but now my C cups were overflowing double D’s. I had Grand Canyon cleavage. When my husband saw me his eyes practically popped out of his head. During dinner he couldn’t quit staring at my boobs. After dinner we rushed home for some alone time (i.e. an intensely hot and wild quickie before picking up the kids).

So I am learning to be sexy in my own skin again whether I have some excess or not. I am also learning to practice what I preach, sexy is not just about how you look, it is also about attitude. And last but not least I am learning patience. My baby is just over 4 months old and it will take some time getting back into my skinny jeans and I need to accept that and actively work towards that goal instead of sitting around being a lump and feeling sorry for myself. So I have decided not to just sit here in not sexy insanity but to get up and show off my extreme cleavage and enjoy being a mom and a sexy woman.