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In Honor of Black Friday: Retail Shopping Lessons For Beginners The most important thing to know about retail shopping is the status of the employee. This isn't a real job -- they have rich spouses or parents to support them in the lifestyles to which they are accustomed -- it is just a cute thing they do for fun.
I know. I was one for years. So let me help you make your way around the treacherous world of shopping with these lessons for beginners:
When a store employee approaches you with a smile, a greeting or a question, the correct response is always a clipped ‘Just looking!’
Any communication is a web to snare you into spending money on items you have no interest in. Just because you walked in doesn’t give them the right to speak to you or acknowledge you in any fashion . (If you ever wondered how you got there, that’s the trickery of marketing monkeys, which is for another time.) But just remember this, these are not ordinary humans, they are sadistic sales people, and as such, part of a larger conspiracy that threatens us all. Do not treat them as if they are ’normal.’
Never make eye contact, and for god’s sake, move over to a different rack before they use their magical powers & force you to purchase! Simple proximity can mean being seduced by the sales siren’s signals.
Unless you need to know where the bathroom is. Then never ever look for signs, just ask a sales clerk. They have nothing else to do.
Please refrain from watching your own children. Give them just one bit of parting advice, then ignore them as they run along the isles, slide under the fitting room doors, and spin sales racks. As one parent put it ‘Behave, or that mean lady over there will bite you.’ Then let them frolic under the care of the obviously child care trained professional.
When trying on clothes, do not bother to put them on hangers. Do not bother to turn them right-side-out after you managed to escape from those jeans two sizes to small. Do not pick them up off the floor. Those ladies in high heels who have been standing for 6 hours with nothing to do will appreciate both the stretch & the chance to occupy their time. (It has been 15 minutes since the last customer with children...)
Also, the fitting rooms are almost as good as bathrooms. Please leave your used condoms on the floor, or tampons on the hook.
Never ask a staff person their opinion as they all work on commission or have sales quotas. They will sell anything to make their ‘numbers.’ It isn’t about the money, but these heartless zombies of merchandizing have an addiction of their own.
It’s a little known fact, but the sales clerks actually do set the product prices. Complain loudly as any store employee can reduce the price for you. It’s just like buying a car, or being at a flea market.
When returning the wares, don’t bring your receipt. It is not true that commission or quotas are negatively affected - in fact, those wicked workers of witchcraft get a bonus for irritating you, why help them?
And don’t worry about those silly store policy signs. Like the prices, the clerks can over-ride them. If not, the wicked ware-peddler can still ignore them and loose the job, after all, they don’t need it.
Now, armed with these tips, and a similarly educated pal, head out & test your new found knowledge. Remember the buddy system for safety - if you weaken, your partner can pull you back. Until you know the whole story of the conspiracy, you are not ready to face it alone...
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