Gifts That Keep On Giving

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OK, Valentine's Day is almost on top of us... err, 'here' yeah, that's what we meant!

Since we were too busy (and lazy) this past Christmas to reply to emails regarding gift ideas, we thought we'd help out for this holiday.

It's too late to give you people a list of gifts to buy. And be honest, if you were going to get your significant other a gift, you'd have it done by now... (Cheap, aren't ya?)

And please, do us all a favor, don't waste anyone's time with some cheesy last minute gas station trinket. *collective group groan* You'd be better off ringin' the door bell and saying "Hey, baby, are you desperate enough to let a looser like me in?"

Right about now, we are wondering if we should even offer to help...

The Unholy is not fond of cheap bastards.

But then, perhaps you have 'extenuating circumstances' such as you are wet-behind-the-ears & suffering from lack of dating knowledge. Maybe you aren't used to being demonstrative. *collective group sigh* Maybe this year, this person actually matters. Or maybe you are new to planet Earth, hell, we don't know...

(Some of us, not the one in charge of entering this column into the system for publication, are viewing you dear readers, emailers & help-seekers as nice folks who just need a guiding hand. For you, I will try to type this up nice - just as the other two suggested.)

Anyway, as The Unholy rides to many things, we'll be adding 'rescues' to that list.

Well, here's our list of things to do to show you care. And these work for all those other occasions - special, or not so special (like getting out of an argument!) too.

The trick to these is the planning... you can look like a hero who planned, instead of a zero who 'forgot' - even if you did!

Yes, these are 'last minute ideas' that also require planning. The difference being that you can do these things rather last minute, with a convenient stop at home, a grocery store, ATM, or speciality shop. We'd recommend doing some of these the day before, but if you just met the person or someone actually said 'yes' that day... well, many of these will work too.

We offer the following ideas for a wide range of 'familiarity' between you & the person you wish to romance. So those of you who, strangely enough, just met, or those in the 'flush of Spring,' as well as those couples who have years of intimacy, well, you'll all get ideas.

Convinced? Here's the list:

Invite them over for a dining experience. Note, we did not say 'dinner,' but dinning experience. This means a clean & inviting atmosphere: mood lighting, candles, flowers, mood music, take your guest's coat etc & hang them up. No kids, no tv or radio, no junk mail laying on the counter (or worse, a dirty bathroom!) If you live together, this is gifting times two! If you are the invited one, act like a true guest: do not turn the lights up, turn on the tv, or join them in the kitchen. Let the cook have their secrets, you enjoy!

Wear an item your S.O. gave you. Even if it is a horrid green sweater that makes you look like you have the Asian Bird Flu, wear it so the person feels like their gift is appreciated. (If you are staying in for dinner, who will see it anyway? If going out, aim to get home quickly to undress!)

See a movie your partner enjoys. Just for one evening sit through that 'chick flick' or 'body count festival' and make no negative comments. Let them enjoy the darn thing!

Dance. OK, maybe you are not a dancer, but she loves to... After dinner, come home, dim those lights, put on some romantic music, and slow dance without witnesses... She only wants the romance of you, she isn't grading your moves!

Dance, version II. Ok, maybe you are not a dancer, but he loves to watch you... Dim the lights, put on some tunes you like, and dance for him, disrobing as you go... (Remember, your audience is not grading the dancing, they are getting too aroused by viewing you!)

Pamper the object of your affections. Give them a facial (NOT that kind, a real one!), a pedicure, foot massage, wash their hair ..kisses & showers optional!

Be dessert! Bring out the whipped cream and make a sundae neither of you'll ever forget!

Play 'porn' scrabble. Only naughty words and innuendoes allowed... Double the points if it is performed!

Read an erotic story replacing your names for the characters. Don't blame us if you don't get past the first few paragraphs!

Rent an adult movie. Options: A) You'll both love it & have fun, B) You'll both hate it & laugh together, or C) One hates it, the other digs it - well, one of you tried anyway... Perhaps you'll know what is a better rental in the future?

Deliver a fantasy. You have talked about it *forever* now is the time to act on it! Often fantasies don't get acted out simply because of timing, the need for 'props,' or both. Go out, get the supplies, and plan a long night in...

Can't be with the one you love? Here are a few ideas...

Burn it. The much maligned mix-tape gets an update as a CD mix. Songs that remind you of your unreachable love... They can listen to it, be reminded of you when alone late at night, while IMing each other, while you travel to be together, or even masturbating.

Write it down. Send a note of all the things you would do if only you were together. Better yet, make each one a separate note your significant other can turn in when they do see you!

Heavily committed to this long distance relationship but you have this holiday covered?

If your separation is going to last for awhile, why not journal to your love? Don't use a blog - anyone can read that. Keep it personal with a handwritten journal of your thoughts, especially those 'I wish you were here to share this' moments. If it works out, you'll have a great heirloom to pass down... Unless it is full of dirty stuff, then make sure it's in your will that it is destroyed upon your deaths!

Note: Only do these things if your affections are returned. Otherwise, it falls into the 'creepy stalker' category.

If none of these ideas appeal to you, remember, its not like you paid for this *slap!* Ok, Ok, if you would like more ideas, send us a message asking for some help. (If you can't figure out how to send a message, we probably can't help your dumb ass anyway. )

*slap-slap-slappity-slap*

No really, we are here for you, and your gift giving requirements. After all, we are the The Three Queens Who Come Accepting Gifts, so we know alot about them.

..Though come to think of it, you haven't even sent us a gift yet.

The Unholy Trinity is Gracie, Kat and DeeDee and when not at SK, they can often be found here.

 

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You never know who is staying at Gracie's house, but you know it will be fun!


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