Lustful, Lovely Lessons - Sex~Kitten.net

As to love, it's a lot trickier to figure out the bad relationships in advance. Men don't come with labels that warn me cherries are on the inside. As time passes, however, I'm grateful for the lessons I've learned from love and lust. My first love was John Patrick. I met him in sixth grade, but didn't fall in love with him until eighth. I experienced the meaning of "time standing still" when I got lost in his piercing blue eyes. I was so painfully shy I don't think he ever knew how much I adored him. I hoped in vain he could figure it out by the way I looked at him. Unfortunately, when he looked at me, I'd quickly turn away.

With David Andrew, I learned people could interfere with love. He was a senior and captain of the soccer team at the first college I attended. Whew! He looked a mix of a Tim Daly, George Hamilton, Prince Andrew and a hetero version Montgomery Clift. Whoa...weak in the knees time for me.

I sent him an anonymous note that read: "I wish you were my lollipop so I could lick you all over, and vice versa." I told a few people I sent him that note; they were shocked. My "good girl" demeanor covered up a sizzling hot fantasy world. And dayam, I would've made him my lollipop, that's for sure.

One Friday, a friend encouraged me to go home for the weekend. I did. Unbeknownst to me, David had planned to knock on my door with a lollipop. I didn't find out until several days later, after I had run into him alone in a hallway. I did my usual shy look away. If I had known he tried to visit me, lollipop in hand, the manners I was brought up with would've hurled me out of my shell to say something. You see, my friend didn't want me to pursue him, so she pretty much sabotaged the relationship. She told everyone in my dorm area to not tell me David dropped by. It was all the buzz because he had an on again/off again relationship with someone else at the other end of the residence hall. He even tried to approach my friend and talk about me, but she told him to bugger off. Ah, if only I hadn't been so shy, which was another painful lesson I learned: a timid heart doesn't get you anything in life. It took me several years to actually put that belief into that practice. To this day, I still occasionally dream about David Andrew.

Then I fell in love with a published poet. He was my English professor. He also taught Criminology and Sociology, so we had some common interests. I had gone back to school at the age of 30. My, oh my! What a hunk he was; he looked a lot like Mel Gibson - minus the attitude.

With Paul, I learned that I could be valued for what was inside my mind. He loved my writing and would get frustrated with me for not participating in class discussions. I still had that shy thing going on. I remember one particular visit to his office. He gestured as though he were shaking my shoulders and said: "Why won't you speak in class? I love your mind. I want to hear what's in it!" Whoa! What a turning point for me. Up to that point, my whole life was filled with people who wanted to shut me up. I've been babbling ever since - haha!

We were good friends, but he was not ready for me. He said I intimidated him. I had too much going for me, and that scared him. He even quipped he thought I might be a better writer. (Hm...he must've seen love as a competition). Soon after, he married an agorophobic with severe mental problems; they were divorced about a year later. It left him with emotional scars for years. I will always think of him fondly. He was one of those "what could have been" relationships. Timing is everything, I suppose.

Then there was John, a high pressured lawyer who blamed the world for his problems, even a hang nail. It was always everyone else's fault; it couldn't possibly be anything he did. He even took federal statutes as being directed at him personally if they got in his way. What a trip he was.

I learned from him that even though some men will tenanciously court you, once they "have" you, they will ignore you. Courting doesn't equate love, and I made that mistake with him. I also learned what it was like to live with a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. It never made sense to me how he could shower me with presents, and then turn on me a few minutes later with a barrage of insults. While it was flattering that he often told me I was his anchor, it didn't help much when his storms raged around me. After a few months, I took off my Savior mantle, put it on his shelf, and walked out the door.

Then there's the man whom I often refer to as my buddy. We met online almost three years ago through my phone Domme persona. We've been through a lot together. The start of the relationship was rocky due to the fact another phone operator was in love with him after one call. Whenever he called me, she would tell my buddy and me how she didn't want to live anymore. While that was stressful, in some ways it was bonding, and we're still good friends despite her continued machinations.

My buddy taught me that I could be loved without being seen. My mother and grandmother only valued me for my looks and showing me off to their friends. Being that our relationship was one of phone and online, my buddy didn't concentrate on my outer beauty. He got to know the real me. He perhaps understands me the most out of anyone I've ever known. While I was deeply in love with him in the past, I love him deeply now. Not "in" love, but rather a transcendent type of love. Timing is everything, as they say, but at least we have our deep friendship. We're two peas in a pod, and I know I will remember him on my deathbed and smile.

I hope I can find a man whose blue eyes I can get lost in, and who makes me weak in the knees when I look at him. I dream of finding a man who will romance me, sending me love notes and flowers, just because he's thinking of me. I want to be loved for what's on the inside of me, not what's on the outside. I want someone who will listen to me, care for me and be devoted to me. I think - I hope, I hope - that man is my present love. Fingers crossed...but not my legs. *wink*