Living With a Sexually Active Teen

All fathers would like to think their daughters are as "pure as the day they were born." And mothers would like to know their sons are "upstanding young men." There comes a time in our lives when we realize our children are sexually active. What do we do?

When my foster son came to live with me he was already sexually active. And no matter what you think you can do, you can never stuff that genie back into the bottle. (Don't you love the cliches?) Not only was he sexually active, we were dealing with an outbreak of clymidia. And he had it. Well, suck it up, Jewel, and deal with it.

I realized I was dealing with a young man who was "upstanding." He came from a background where sexual activity was the norm. He had witnessed his mother having sex when he was a child. He knew full well of the number of men she saw...and had sex with. So, sex was not something that was a mystery. What my son had to learn was to be responsible. We had some very frank talks and I let him know what my expectations were. There was no sex in my house. He was to use a condom. He was never to force himself on any woman. He was to treat his partner with respect, even the ones who did not treat him that way.

Years later he did have a son of his own. He remembered the lessons of his own childhood and did not want his son to go through the same scenes he had. He accepted responsibility for his son. He quit chewing and works at a 12-step program to remain clean and sober for his son. Yes, my son has become an "upstanding" father. And though I know he enjoys sex, he is, to this day, responsible.

Would he have been if I had not understood that once you have sex you will always want it? No. If I had ranted, raved, thrown fits and temper tantrums he would never have listened.

For parents of young children, start early and teach them what you want them to know about sex. Again, don't scream. The teacher I know who found a child on the playground playing with his penis did more harm having a fit than quietly handling the situation and explaining to him it was not appropriate to do that on the playground. The parents who stomp around do more damage when they find their children playing "doctor" than if they quietly explain this is not something they condone. It's a good time to explain good and bad touch.

If you start early and let your child know your expectations, they will probably live up to them. But if they don't, what then? They are still your children. One of my good friend's daughters just gave birth to a baby. Her mother let her know she was disappointed. This was fine. She let her daughter know they would help with the baby, give them a place to live while her daughter finished school and went to beauty college. This was fine. She let her daughter know her daughter was responsible for caring for the baby. This is also fine.

Expressing disappointment and setting guidelines are ways to let your sexually active child know you still love them but you have expectations for their behavior. Once you start raising your voice, yelling, screaming and delivering ultimatums you have lost. It is better to love your child, warts and all, than push them away from you.

Did I say it was going to be easy? Of course not. Did I say you are going to like every moment of dealing with a sexually active teen? Definitely not. But the alternatives are worse.