Moving Out Of Heartbreak Hotel

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still talking to the beautiful woman.]

Monica: You can not do this.

Rachel: Do what, do what?

Monica: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.

Rachel: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?

Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!

Monica: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with men.]

Rachel: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.

Monica: Which one was Pete Carney?

Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had sex. (imitating) "Was it good for you?"

Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. (imitating) "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two months -- I didn't get to win once.

Rachel: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people!

Monica: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets.

Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.

Monica: There's more beer, right?

Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.

Rachel: Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.

Phoebe: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.

Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual?

Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.

Phoebe: Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.

Monica: Burning's good.

Rachel: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.]

Phoebe: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine.

Monica: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.

Phoebe: Um, that's ok! (throws it in fire) Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man.

Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

Monica: Can we just start throwing things in?

Phoebe: Ok, yeah, ok. (she throws the directions in) Oh, OK.

Rachel: (tossing things in the fire) Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.

Phoebe: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.

Monica: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.

Rachel: (looking at picture) Hey he's wearing a sweater.

Rachel and Phoebe: Eww!

Rachel: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa.

Monica: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure...

(Rachel throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames shoots up from it.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of control.]

Fireman No. 1: What do we got there?

Fireman No. 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and what looks like a half-charred picture -- Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief!

Monica: You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.

Fireman No. 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain. This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control.

Fireman No. 1: You're our third call tonight.

Fireman No. 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.

Are you ready to start getting over that old lover?

If you are ready to check out of Heart Break Hotel, don't take all that bad baggage with you!

Here are some ways to to rid yourself of that old relationship baggage:

Start in one room & got through everything - one drawer, one shelf, one book at a time, pulling all old photos, clothing & momentos as you go.

Don't do anything with it yet, just put it all in one pile or box.

Toss out old stuff, memorabilia that depletes your energy and keeps you stuck in the past. As you rid yourself of the things, you are also ridding yourself of the and ex-loves who no longer have any business being in you life.

Once you have made it all the way through your house, car, office etc., pack the box away for a day or two.

Why wait? Well, there are a few things to consider...

If you have children with the person(s) you have to handle this a bit differently. While you no longer need the photos, the memories, the souvenirs, your children may - at least 'one day.' So those items should be packed away & preserved for them. Put in the attic, basement, storage etc. If you cannot bear to have the box laying around, ask a friend or family member to store it for you.

Also, this waiting period will give you time to reconsider things that you may regret tossing later (like your wedding ring, your favorite sweater) - just because they were gifts, you may not wish to loose them in a fit of anger. You have time to decide if it really needs to go.

Now, you have a pile of dump-worthy-junk.

You have choices... You could burn it all, like the ladies of "Friends," or maybe you just put it in a Hefty Bag & let it spend eternity in a land fill. Maybe some items could be donated - other folks will enjoy things as they won't have the stain of betrayal clinging to them!

If you do go the bonfire route, just beware the end of that "Friends" episode:

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The girls are talking with the firemen.]

Fireman No. 3: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then?

Rachel: So, um, will you bring the truck?

Fireman No. 3: I'll even let you ring the bell.

Phoebe: See, there you go, the cleansing works!

Monica: They're nice guys.

Rachel: Oh, they're firemen guys.

[Scene: Out in the hall, the firemen are talking.]

Fireman No. 1: You guys tell them you were married?

Fireman No. 2: No way!

Fireman No. 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna tell them!