Hip Bones, Mis-Matched Undies & More

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Slip here, and I have something to say...

Often I'm trolling about the Internet looking for lingerie images to use at my blog. Well, that's partly true... I blog about lingerie because I love it, and so I love photos of it being worn. But some times -- too often -- I find photographs which upset me more than please me.

Gracie said I should rant about it here.

First up, coat-hanger women, women too thin (and in this case looking too young) to breed. Exhibit A (via HQ69):

Heroine Chick Isn't Chic

When hip bones stick out like that, dwarfing the string-ties on the panties, then you are too thin.

Men, I have to ask you:
What the hell is sexy about a bag of bones?
Wouldn't it hurt to hump that?

Second, fashion faux pas. Smut is riddled with bad fashion, and has been for as long as erotic images have been created. The exhibit is retro British glamour -- but please don't make me pour through all the billions of web images for more modern mistakes.

Harrison Photo

I don't know any women, any where, who would wear pink, black and red lingerie pieces at the same time.

I can forgive a silly pose -- it's fantasy after all -- but mis-matched lingerie is unforgivable.

I'm not gonna ask you why, I'm just going to demand that you hire a female fashion assistant.

Third, bad props, themes, and vignettes. As mentioned earlier, I get that this is fantasy. But it's also clear that your creativity doesn't run as deep as your erection gets high; nope it doesn't even reach 6 inches. However, I have a request: please do put some thought into what the hell you're asking models to hold or do, and what you're trying to get we the viewer to believe.

Here I have several exhibits because there are several types of these errors.

Vintage Erotic Postcard

Is she the model or the prop girl moving the pedestal to another shoot?

Vintage Erotica, Maybe

Yes, women like to decorate their homes but rarely (as in never) do we sit around naked admiring our vases. (If we did so it would only mean you'd look at our jugs anyway, so why bother with the pretense of a vase?)

Vintage Bare-Breasted Ice Skater Photo

Yup, topless ice skating. That's too strange to even be a fetish.

All of these may be funny, but folks don't shill out big bucks for funny. Well, at least not as much as they do for porn. So try for sexy, not silly, OK?

Fourth, bad expressions. Bored models are hideous to look at.

Uninterested & Uninteresting Nude Couple

One looks at such images for enjoyment and arousal, often when alone or feeling all alone in life; having models looking so dull seems like a rejection.

I can almost feel her leg cramp. And is Jimmy thinking of his mommie's homemade cookies? Sheesh, if this is erotic send me $20 and I'll send you photos from my first doomed marriage.

Photographers, if your photos look like this I could almost forgive the other sins. Almost. But I don't.

...You were right, Gracie. I do feel a bit better.

Slip of a Girl

 

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