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I Am Not Ready to Quit Smoking To do so, would mean I have accepted all the implications of what is happening to my body.
I was in the hospital for 4 days. That meant I should have broken the addiction habit. But the first thing I wanted when I finally started to feel better was a cigarette. And they really did taste bad the first one or two I had puffs off. It was supposed to be a simple procedure: in on Thursday and out on Friday. Yeah, right. I didn't get home until Sunday. And where they placed the feeding tube still hurts a week later. The chemo port is also in and doing fine. The physical addiction should be broken after 72 hours. But I am not ready to quit. To quit smoking would mean I have accepted all the implications of what is happening to my body. Hell, I haven't got beyond the "brave for everyone else" phase. Until tonight, Christmas Day. I had the last cigarette in the house about 3:30 this afternoon. By 8:30 I finally broke down. I'm scared. To be forced to quit smoking means I no longer have control over what happens to me. Even if that small bit of control means I am hurting myself, it is me who is in control. Someone or something else dictates what I eat, how often, when I sleep, when I work, etc. Stop and think of it. For a Type A personality domme, not being in control is one thing you never want to happen. Oh, there will come a time when I realize I am in control by relinquishing the last cigarette, but for now that is the one part of my life I have control over. My friend called me stupid for even considering trying one cigarette this week. He may be right. For now, whether or not I smoke is the one small part of my life I can control. I cannot control the pain where they put a tube into my belly to feed me when the time comes I cannot do that myself. I cannot control the growth of that cancer that, ironically, was not caused by smoking. I cannot control the fact I will have to do chemo and raidiation, being set up next week. I cannot control that I have to change my diet. This is one small step I can control. No, darling, I am not ready to quit smoking today.
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