Gracie Interviews Darling Nikki Nines

Nikki Nines is rather well-known in certain worlds... At least to the point where there are legends about this pretty blonde who not only has legions of submissive men in her army but has flipped a few Doms too.

Hey, I caution you about saying that; it only adds to my mysterious status. I'm no sorceress, no matter what the myths say lol

Well, I've heard mysterious things about you...

Most of that's because I don't talk about myself. I'm a very private person and didn't intend to become some professional dominatrix or anything.

But you're on NiteFlirt now...

Yeah, because I'm traveling so much right now that I can no longer work with people in person (it's a long process, training and counseling). At first I thought it was the perfect excuse to stop, but I found I missed it. And because of that, I've sort of had to invert my paradigm and start talking about myself -- and on the Internet yet. Go figure.

So let's start at the beginning... How'd you become Nikki Nines?

I don't know exactly how I got here. It wasn't by design. I just had some experiences and insights and applied that with some success to helping others with their problems. Originally it was just talk with friends -- or friends of friends, that sort of a thing. And the next thing you know, I was getting calls from people I'd never heard of.

Calls to do what, exactly?

To help people figure out their D/s relationships -- only that's not how they'd say it. They'd say they had a bad sub who needed retraining and ask if I could help them. Sort of like putting the spice back into any relationship. D/s relationships have as much difficulty maintaining the heat and lust as any other. Some feel the only way to keep a relationship fresh or hot is to increase the severity or intensity, but that's a myth and such behaviors can often lead to relationship issues.

Well, D/s relationships aren't that different from any vanilla relationship. There are trust issues. For example, upping the ante on humiliation and renting your lover out to others is a trust risk. And a sub who doesn't like corporal punishment isn't going to be any happier going from words to spanking -- and then to canings. But lots of folks think BDSM bed death can only be cured like that. But you can't up the ante at the risk of your personal connection & relationship.

And then there's the matter of sheer exhaustion on the part of the Dominant. I'm of the opinion that if there's any abuse in BDSM, it's perpetrated by the subs. Many submissives are so "me me me" that it's exhausting to try to keep up with their demands. Some call this "topping from the bottom," but it's more than that... It's not just about the sex, but about the relationship, the love.

You know what -- and lots of BDSM folks who live in the mythology & fantasy of power play will get pissed at me here -- but even BDSM folks like good old fashioned, tender, affectionate sex now and then. Even plain old functional missionary sex after the nightly news too. Having to create scenes can be tiresome, and when those scenes are continually based on the sub's needs only? Loss of sexual interest is the least of your problems; now you've got resentment & frustration. And if the sub keeps whining? Yeesh.

And along the way you converted a few Dommes into subs.

Well, again, not by design. But like the Dog Whisperer or those nanny shows, the problem often isn't with the dog, the kids, or the sub -- it's that the person who is supposed to be in charge is failing somehow. Either because they don't understand who they are to teach and control or because they don't understand their own behaviors &/or themselves very well.

Sometimes the reason they weren't successful dominating was because they really were a sub at heart. It's not unusual, really. Some of the best Dommes/Doms are so good because they get inside the sub's mind and know how to really make the ultimate sizzle, and many Dommes/Doms get off on creating the subspace as much as they do exercising their own power to achieve their own desires. But sometimes the real arousal is not about executing power, but because they really are identifying with the sub -- that's what they really long for. I just helped a few of them figure it out.

But the word got out and suddenly I was like this Domme-twisting-power creature who "flipped" Dominants. It was weird.

Well, as can happen with such personal work, there were a few instances of transference. A couple of the Dominants-turned-subs became attached to me -- which would have been manageable, but then one of the subs freaked out. She felt betrayed because she had come to me and now I'd "gone and stole her man" and even "ruined" his dominating, masculine self. That's what really fueled the fire as far as legends go. She was so outspoken in her "warnings" to others about my converting all men into subs that it was rather out of my hands.

Did that put you out of business? Wait, were you even in business at this point?

Originally, when I started it was just helping friends, but as the calls increased I started charging -- partly to draw the professional vs. personal line, and partly to limit the number of persons I could help.

But no, it didn't put me out of business -- quite the contrary. More folks called, including more single male Dominant men looking for a challenge. Screening became a huge part of my work then.

Did you refuse those men?

Ah, well, I am only human...

So you did intentionally flip a few?

I could just rationalize this as the mercurial nature of many in BDSM... Switches and the like. But in all honesty, I have difficulty abstaining from a challenge. But I want to be on the record here and say that in every one of those cases, they were single.

In "every one of those cases"... So there were quite a few?

A lady never whips and tells lol

Have you taught workshops?

No. And believe it or not, I've never been to a munch or any official BDSM gathering. Some say I'm not really a social person, or that I'm not really into BDSM, but honestly I just dislike organizations, hierarchies. (Which, when they say I'm "not really into BDSM" because I won't join a group, only reinforces my opinions of such groups.) But maybe it's just that I have way too many authority issues lol

Then you know what I mean; it's just not my idea of a good time. Not knocking it for others; but it's not for me. When I have kids I'd be more likely to march into the principal's office, the school board or legislator's office than I would be to join the PTA. So why should it be any different with sex stuff? But this has also lead to my "legend" status.

Well person A says, "I heard Nikki Nines refused to attend," and person B is like, "Never heard of her," and then person A (or gossipy listener C) says, "Oh my god -- you haven't heard of Nikki?! She's the one who blah blah blah." And a legend, however inaccurate, is born. And my lone wolf persona doesn't help me any either.

Yeah, I noticed at your blog that you're big on privacy.

Well, a few people know all about me; but they're a limited few I know I can trust. Trust. That's one of the issues I'm continually learning about for myself. You know what they say, you teach until you really learn it for yourself. That's really true for me. And why I'm so uncomfortable with being called a D/s guru and whatnot. I mean I know certain truths, and like most humans I can spot the errors of others; but when it comes to myself I know I'm still greatly in process.

I have to keep reminding myself how young you really are... How is it that you're so mature and accomplished at 24?

If I say, "School of hard knocks," will you leave it at that?

Ugh. I really hate to talk about myself personally...

You don't have to give any details that would help stalkers or anything, just some relevant history.

Simply put I had an unusual upbringing. My mom was an artist making a better living as a jazz musician -- believe it or not. We traveled a lot -- throughout Europe (because jazz is more popular there) and the states. I was dragged around with her because the other option was Dad, and he was in the military during those years. Mom wasn't the most stable person in the world emotionally either. I don't know if she was ever diagnosed, but she was your typical self-medicating-artistic-type and she eventually tore their relationship to pieces slowly, over time. By the time I was 11, she was dead & I was back with Dad full-time. He didn't heal for years, blaming himself for not saving her, not saving me... It wasn't until I was about 14 and a friend of ours in Poland finally sent some of Mom's journals that Dad and I got down to brass tacks about it all.

He learned that there was nothing he could do and I learned of the complex beauty in their relationship. I have no idea of their sex life, but I had recently read Lady Chatterley's Lover & The Story of O and through those book and Mom's journals I discovered the beauty in darkness and light. I learned that power need not be "equal" to be "right" -- and that having the power doesn't mean you need to be abusive, that it can in fact be a blessing to both people. (And, by the way, you can substitute "love" for "power" in that sentence.) I learned that whatever one calls that beautiful dark place that creative types often dwell it can be another's subspace -- and that a Dominant can be the artist who exquisitely creates it. Those who orchestrate, structure, & guide another safely through such things, who simultaneously share & dig-out shame, have an awesome responsibility that grants them equally fantastic, poignant experiences. Two sides of the same coin, they share even though each has his or her own unique experience.

I don't know what to say except, "Damn."

Well, my story may be more dramatic in some ways than other people's stories, but really all the same stuff is there. The bigger highs and lows just made it all the easier for me to figure out. Plus, Dad, while not excessively permissive or anything, let me run around when I was young; he'd trained me in self-defense and knew I could take care of myself. (And I think he knew that he didn't have much of a choice... But he figured as long as I was talking to and with him, I was OK.) As a result I got to do more than observe TV.