Rubber Vaginas: In Good Fun?

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In the dusty recesses of a closet comes a discovery: Gracie's been holding out on me. An old sex toy sent for review...and it's for guys. I've never used one before; are they as much fun as flashing banner ads tell me?

It started out simple: rearranging the closet so we can actually put stuff on shelves instead of tossing everything on the floor. The 'adult' section isn't as big as I'd have thought, but there was still plenty of stuff there. Old review things, stuff sent to Gracie for review that really don't fit this site, toys that failed to make the cut. Some manufacturer sent us a bunch of strap-ons, more than any one sane person could use, which made me kind of nervous. Not all of the toys are for women; I tried out a blow-up doll for Gracie a while back, and I tested a penis pump with unpleasant results. Overall, guy toys aren't as good as gal ones. We tend to rely on what we have 'on hand' so to speak. I was surprised to find a small, dusty box tossed in with a couple of lesbian videos.

You know you've got a guy toy here, right?" I ask.

"You mean those Red Boy things?" she asks. Red Boy is a line of gay sex toys with a hint of BDSM, which I've done a pretty good job of staying away from. "No, it's a rubber masturbation thing." She takes note, and moves on.

"I could review it for the site," I continue. Gracie doesn't exactly say no, but doesn't show much interest. It's "Trixie the Tramp", a small pinkish-reddish fake vagina. The press release in the box says 2005. It's old, and Doc Johnson has probably discontinued it by now. DJ has a bad habit of rotating products very quickly, which has discouraged Gracie from reviewing their stuff since it outdates the site so fast. It's an old product, there's not much use in penis-pleasing toys on a women's website, and, really, it's kind of intimidating. A stretchy rubber vagina? How good can it feel?

So, time passes, and, frankly, Gracie's gone for the day, and I'm in the laundry room when I remember The Toy. I know it's there, in the closet, mocking me for using my lowly hand to masturbate. The Toy is a marvel of modern technology, a tool composed of the finest materials that can be compiled from chemicals that were unknown only decades before. It's High-Tech Masturbation, and I'm being a downright Luddite for pretending that it's not a step up from where I've been at.

I should note here: Men masturbate. As often as they feel like it. Even if you're fucking them nightly, your guy is going to masturbate. They masturbate because some erotic thought was stuck in their head too long; they masturbate because the hot water in the shower is just too relaxing; they masturbate because they're bored and you're not around and the History Channel had some show on about promiscuity among the Ancient Greeks. It's really got nothing to do with you. Getting to have sex with a hot lover and masturbating once in a while is the best of all worlds. Sure, jacking off isn't the best, but everyone eats Swanson Pot Pies for lunch even if there's going to be steak for dinner. And, a wise gentlemen does it responsibly. He doesn't do it to internet porn while you're sitting across the room from him. He doesn't do it when he has the inkling you're going to be frisky within a couple hours. He doesn't do it where you'll catch him and risk you being offended. Unless that's part of the kink, but, well, that's another story.

Despite Gracie and I having a pretty good sex-life, there are times I take matters into my 'own hands', so to speak. And I'm standing at the washing machine, only a few steps away from this miraculous beckoning rubber vagina, and I could probably take a little 'me' time out of my chore-time.

"Trixie the Tramp" is made out of something called UR3, or "Ultra Realistic 3.0", a rubber gel substance that looks and feels suspiciously like Knox Blox gelatin, or slightly less solid than a Gummi worm. For storage and transportation the rubber was coated in some sort of oil, which made my hands greasy and soaked into the paper I used for photographing her, and so I'm off to wash her off. It's a good idea with any new sex toy anyway, even if there's not a 'tested by #42' tag inside the packaging. Trixie even comes with her own cleaning instructions: Wash with mild soap and water, towel dry with a soft cloth, don't use paper towels, and make sure everything is completely dry before using it. Oh, here's the warnings: Keep out of the sun, don't let it touch other rubber items, do not microwave - am I sure this isn't actually something from the movie Gremlins? And how creepy would it be to keep a Mogwai in a closet just for sexual purposes?

Trixie handled her bath well. She's actually a tube, with openings at either end, which helped with the cleaning. The rubber feels a bit better now, still the consistency of snacks I had as a child, but far less chemicallish. At this point, I noticed something about my Trixie:

She's just a little lop-sided in the 'skullish' region. I'm writing it off to three years sitting in a box, but it looks like it could be a manufacturing flaw, too. Oh, well, who's going to look at her face? Oh, right: it was Doc Johnson's selling point. Their press release says she's "the first masturbator that gives you the visual pleasure of seeing a woman's entire body while using [it]". So, they were playing to men's inherent desire to watch themselves fuck a Barbie doll designed to stretch to accommodate an average man's cock. There is, of course, a fetish for everything.

So, I grab the lube, queue up some online porn, and go to work. First impression: wow, it's difficult to enter. It takes several false-starts before I can actually get it on. Second impression: lube - LOTS of lube. Like, "sit on a towel, you'll need it" amounts of lube. It didn't take long before the water-based lube I was using began to lose its slipperiness, and it quickly turned into high-friction penis grinding. Not a good sensation. But, undaunted by these early setbacks, I reapply lube and continue.

And, yes, when you look down, you're looking at a tiny, tiny woman, with her legs spread, and a huge penis inside her. It's not as big a turn-on as you might think. I tended to watch the porn moreso, trying to keep Trixie moving. That tight entry-point would want to snap shut any time I was close to pulling out of the toy, so I had to be careful about how long a stroke it took. Plus, the body of the toy isn't hand-shaped, which makes it difficult to keep a hold of, especially when lube's a-flyin'. Overall, it is an OK sensation, nowhere near the replacement of a real woman, but definitely different from using my hand.

"Different" is about all I can call it. Compared to regular masturbation, the sensation was lower, and took a bit longer than usual. That's not always a bad thing, but if you're nervous over the race against your lube's decomposition point then you're paying more attention to the mechanics than the process. Maybe with some practice...

But, probably not. If I were more of a conniseur of the solo sexual experience, it would probably be a nice change-up from average-everyday wanking. Turn the lights low, pour some wine, put Tom Jones on, and lube up your tiny, pink Jell-O mistress. I can see the appeal of that, but like I said, when you've got a lover who would benefit from that degree of fore-thought, a rubber toy that requires cleaning, lubing, and monitoring isn't quite so useful.

So, even if you can't get a Trixie anymore because Doc Johnson has moved on (he's such a fickle lover), there's an enormous amount of false vaginas on the market to pick from. Each will have its own idiosyncracies, but you can bet the lube issue is going to apply to all, and you can't expect it to behave like a real woman. Maybe a rubber pussy isn't quite a Swanson Pot Pie: maybe it's a Hungry-Man TV Dinner, but that doesn't make it a replacement for a three-course 'dining experience'. If your masturbation time is worth the effort, you could probably benefit from one, but if you've got a willing partner, it's not worth the time.

CR/LF is the man behind Obligatory Soapy Pics and other fun smut at Sex Is A Red-Blooded Thing, so he didn't mind washing Trixie and her tiny boobs as much as you might think. He's also the man behind Gracie too ~ and yes, that's a double entendre.


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