I Want to Suck Your... Soul?

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Truth be told, I believe that spirituality and sexuality are the two most important forces in the universe. Without them we simply wouldn’t exist. No, seriously, we really wouldn’t exist. If this is true, then how can God not be sexual in nature?

Being asked to write something on the topic of “Spirituality & Sexuality” is kind of like being given a 12 foot canvas and a single crayon-- a tad-bit overwhelming. In response to the sheer vastness of this topic, my conversation with my Inner-Editor (who happens to be a real bitch) has been going a lot like this:

Ooh-kee-dokey, “Spirituality and Sexuality”, anything specific?


Just anything on these two topics?




So can I use the word fuck? How about the Lord’s name, can I use that in vain? How about if I use both in a really offensive sentence like, “Sweet Jesus! Of course the good Lord fucked Mary Magdalene.” Is that okay?

(Audible sigh) Deadline is Sunday. Anything else?

My Inner-Editor is a prude. She also doesn’t answer my questions sufficiently.

But, alas, me thinks the dear reader does not give a shit that I find this topic overwhelming. Onward, I say, onward!

Make yourself some tea and take off (yes, off) your thinking-cap. You are about to enter the sick and twisted mind of Betti Mustang (evil cackle). On that note, let’s get on with it.

I decided to approach this subject with some rather dull, self-directed questions. Here they are:

Do I think that there is a correlation between spirituality and sexuality? Yes.

Do I currently consciously experience this apparent correlation? No.

Have I in the past? Yes.

Do I think that spirituality and religion are the same thing? No.

Do I think that a person’s sexuality and a person’s spirituality are interchangeable? Yes.

I hope you found that enlightening. Moving forward. Let’s discuss.


Okay, so I have never knowingly participated in a sex ritual. I would like to. My definition of a sex ritual involves a circle of masturbating men, black satin sheets and a viking-sized male with long, golden hair and tripped-out blue eyes fucking my brains out in the center of it all. His eyes roll back in his head and he screams out in an unintelligible language when he comes . This is a requirement.

I’ll let you know when it happens.

What I have done, when it comes to the blatantly spiritual/psychic end of sex, is dabble in a little Sexual Vampirism. Oh, yeah. I’m serious. Sexual Vampirism deals with the transfer of chi, which is life energy or in a sense, spirit. Basically, when you fuck, you absorb your partners chi into your own body--kind of like one big soul-vitamin or something. Evidently this is possible because when you engage in sex, you are “opening yourself up spiritually” and the energy is there for the taking. If you’re successful, you will feel energized post-nookie. On the other-hand, your partner will be more drained than normal and probably need a nap. And you thought he was just lazy...

Generally, it’s considered bad manners to drain a person of their energy, whether it’s through sex or an artery, without their consent. My thing is, if we’re cohabiting, I can drain your energy as much as I fucking want. What, you think washing your work pants day in and day out isn’t draining? And the kids? Don’t even get me started.

I would so hone in on my Sexual Vampirism skills if I were a hooker. I’d leave a trail of napping adulterous men in my wake. Imagine the power that I could accumulate! The power!

Yeah, I can hear you snickering.


So, the next topic to delve into is the whole deal of “spirituality and sexuality” when it comes to spawning humans and propagating the human race. To me, spirituality deals with the raw essence of a person--what makes a person alive. Therefore, you could say that when two people have sex and life is formed between them in the process, a great moment of spirituality has taken place. What makes you, you and me, me smooshed together and made something totally new and alive while we were screwing! I mean, that’s really cool.

It’s a shame that most people miss this intense moment of spirituality and creation of life because they are inebriated-off-their-ass/trying to get back into traffic while zipping-up/passed out in the bathroom of the bar/creating an elaborate excuse for being “late again” to give to their spouse.

Joking aside, I do believe that in “mature”, preferably non or at least recovering alcoholic individuals, this moment can truly be considered a key moment in the correlation between spirituality and sexuality.

Let’s take a moment and toast all of those responsible, loving adults who planned their pregnancies with their life mates. Showoffs.


The whole sex for procreation thing naturally brings me to the topic of spirituality and sexuality in regards to religion. I can’t help it-- I have a Catholic alma mater.

Technically speaking, religion deals with the belief in a deity and his/her/its set of guidelines for living life. As you can see, this is totally different from the basic meaning behind spirituality. Spirituality is all about you as an individual, not who you are in the eyes of another (regardless if you think they are God). Sexuality and religion are topics that you can analyze based on research, statistics and facts. You just can’t do that when it comes to spirituality.

For example, you could strongly dispute a statement like: The Bible condones all forms of sexuality. Whereas you can’t dispute my claim that: I need to earn 675 points to save my soul and get to heaven. I receive 5 points for every man I fuck. Oral sex with women gets me 7 points at a time.

How can you prove a person’s spirituality wrong? You can’t. Why? Because it’s all about me. It has zero to do with you. I have roughly 72 points and a lot of screwing to do before I die, by the way.


Generally speaking, I think that an individual’s outlook on spirituality and sexuality changes and evolves throughout life based on their experiences, religious beliefs, and partnerships. I also think that a person can use spirituality as a tool to examine their sexuality and vice versa.

I think that there are people out there that take this shit way too seriously, and those that don’t take it serious enough. There are actually people out there that (gasp!) make a mockery out of it.

Truth be told, I believe that spirituality and sexuality are the two most important forces in the universe. Without them we simply wouldn’t exist. No, seriously, we really wouldn’t exist. If this is true, then how can God not be sexual in nature?

Ah, now we’re getting too serious. I get horny when I get serious. When I get horny I stop thinking and start fucking. Spirituality and sexuality will just have to wait. I’m off to go and get myself five points closer to heaven.


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Betti Mustang's Room

Betti Mustang is a word-nerd, tattooed, has her clitoris pierced, is hopelessly addicted to caffeine and is one hell of a 9-ball and Texas Hold 'em player. She is rumored to be fantastic in bed. You can find our more at her blog.

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