In Feminism and Chivalry — A Case of Identity and Desire, Valerie Jean-Charles talks about the “delicate relationship between self-labeling as a feminist and desiring chivalry.” Who knew that in 2012 we’d, again, be discussing such things; but given the current republican war on women, I guess everything’s up for debate again. *heavy sigh*

Jean-Charles writes:

Feminism gives women the tools and space to speak, write and argue about their need of equal representation in the political, social, religious and economic spheres of life. It in no way diminishes any romantic or sexual desire that a woman may experience. I love having men open doors, give up their seats on public transportation, and pull out chairs for me as well as rise from the table when I do. Does this mean that I am complacent and weak without thoughts and ideas of my own? Of course not. Wanting to be a treated a certain way by men that I am attracted to, does not mean that I want these very men to control other aspects of my life, namely how I worship, what I am entitled to from the government, and how I am to act in social settings.

There’s not a thing she’s said there that I disagree with. …But somehow, I am not content to, well, remain content.

I think it’s silly that anyone questions these sorts of things to the extent that someone like Jean-Charles has to write about it. But what this silliness shows is a complete lack of understanding of what the word “equality” means.

Equality means equal in status, rights, and opportunities. Which in the good ol’ U.S. of A. means that all humans, of all genders, races, religions, orientations, belief systems ~ however you want to demographically sort persons, that they all have the same status, rights, and opportunities that white men have been enjoying. You know, the status, rights, and opportunities that many powerful people are hording ~ yes, hording; I expect any day to hear about the number of dead cat bodies found in the homes, yachts, and bank boxes of 1%-ers; lost casualties in their stockpiles of power, wealth, and rights. But I digress.

In feminism, equality means that women, biological or trans, are entitled to the same in status, rights, and opportunities as men. But it doesn’t mean that those of us who identify as women want to be men.

I don’t want my femaleness erased any more than the Native American wants their race and culture erased. This is where “different but equal” comes into play. We want the same rights; that is all.

Among the rights we want equally applied to us are the rights to live our individual lives without oversight, judgement, or other societal repercussions. This doesn’t just mean the right to participate in and enjoy having anal sex, having sex with a person the same gender as ourselves, or having sex before marriage; it means having sex on our own terms.

Having sex on our own terms means the right to fall in love, the right to have sex without love, the right to set our own standards of how our relationships ought to work, the right to decide when and where we have sex, or even to decide that we do not want sex. This includes the right to prefer, fantasize over, or even demand big breasts, big biceps, big brains, big bank accounts ~ as well as small asses, small noses, and small minds.

Paying For Dates

As individuals in the free market, we have the right to negotiate our desires and our relationships ~ so long as we harm no one past a broken heart. Whether you require chivalrous acts, insist upon being taken to a fancy dinner where a ring is placed upon your finger, or charge $100 for your affections, it’s up to you ~ and your partner(s) to accept. Or decline.

Our preferences and choices limit our own options, of course. Love, desire, and the free market will decide how our standards fit into the laws of supply and demand as it plays out among individuals.

But equality means we all have the right, regardless of what info we put into census reports, to make these decisions as individuals; not society, not the government, not movements like feminism.