Sunday Funnies: Grandfather Clock Edition

Sorry to disappoint those of you looking for some hot grandfather clock pendulum action. But you’re no worse off than poor grandma here, who finds herself with the same old swinger. A sad Christmas gift, in a sad little holiday stocking. You can personalize this card too.

grandfather cock

Saucy Saturday: Champagne & Baby Oil Edition

That’s Carlotta Champagne to be precise ~ and she’s using that bottle of baby oil in delightful ways, with and without the white lace lingerie! This is one sticky situation which will likely lead to more sticky, erm, solutions. *wink*

carlotta champagne white lace baby oil breasts

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Dreading Seeing Your Family This Thanksgiving? Use Your Imagination!

TYLENE VS CAPRI VS JC MARIEIf you think family gatherings are uncomfortable or rife with the potential for fighting, do what I do: picture them as catfights.

Sure, your sister, Aunt Josie, etc. may not be as hot as these ladies; and they likely aren’t fighting for the same reasons, either. But, I find it more entertaining to run a silent, but naughtier, version of Mystery Science Theater 3000 over the family antics than to just sit uncomfortably by as the family drama plays out.

If you haven’t ever wondered what it would be like if the female members of your family suddenly began to pull one another’s hair, rip their blouses open, and go full-on wrestling in their fancy holiday attire ~ well, I’m going to call you a liar!

…Hell, even if it is just me, try it. You’ll like it.

Hannah Perez and Randy Moore pantyhose catfight

Screenshots (in the order they appear) are from Office Offensive, Hell In Heels, and The Hose They Rode In On; all on one DVD here.

PS I’m sure once you try this holiday survival technique, you’ll want to thank me for it. But to avoid trouble, I suggest you not say so out-loud at that “what I’m thankful for” thing around the holiday table. It can just be our little dirty secret. Happy Thanksgiving!

Danielle Trixie Melissa Jacobs wrestling topless in pantyhose

Get An Early Start On Black Friday & Cyber Monday Sex Toy Sales!

The Black Friday and Cyber Monday weekend sales are starting early at Sexclectic! Starting today, Wednesday, November 25th, and running through Monday November 30, you can save up to 35% off the wide selection of quality adult toys, lubes & lotions, movies, bondage gear, lingerie, novelties, and other gifts. Safe, discreet, and with live help on-site too.

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I Just Want To Say How Terribly Disappointing It Is When Porn Stars Say “Squirting Is Pee”

WoodRocket asked female porn stars, “Is squirt pee?”

My first reaction to the very first porn star that said female ejaculate is pee made me quite angry. It is not pee.

But then, as some explained, there are porn stars who don’t squirt (so they likely do not educate themselves?) and others admit that some girls are drinking so much water that they force themselves to pee and porn producers market the films as squirting (including, sometimes, to get around censorship issues).

But again: squirting is so not urine.

And saying that because female ejaculate “comes out of the same hole” that a woman pees out of is stupid; does anyone actually confuse the two liquids that come out of “the same hole” on a man?!

Repeat: Female ejaculate is not pee.

If any doctor tries to tell you otherwise, just remember this: They just discovered the clit in 2009 and are debating whether or not the G-spot is real, so how can we expect them to know anything about female ejaculation?

All this said, I won’t be an idiot and insist every woman can or even wants to squirt. Or that some aren’t peeing; like April O’Neil says in the video, even if you ladies do pee during sex, “Whatever makes you feel good, if that happens when you orgasm and that makes you feel better, fucking go for it.”

Women’s bodies, and minds, are more complicated than that. We are blessed to be able to orgasm in a myriad of ways. And should your clitoral orgasms be so awesome that you don’t want to bother with anything else, I’m completely fine with that. It’s your body, dammit! But if you are interested in squirting, get a copy of Deborah Sundahl’s book. And for more info ~ with real squirting action ~ see Squirt Salon.

Uncensored version of WoodRocket video is here.

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If you’d prefer to get your shopping done sooner, rather than latter, while the selection is strong, use these exclusive discounts and shop at Sexclectic ~ a very discreet shop with one of the largest inventories of sex toys, sexy lingerie, and adult gifts, all at the best prices.

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Afraid To Go Into The Kitchen This Holiday?

Brooke Marks makes it more fun. Here she combines the kitschy thrills of Cthulhu cosplay with kitchen fun. It might be too late to get it for Thanksgiving, but if you’d like to play this at home, you can get a Cthulho knitted mask here.

brooke marks Cthulhu's kitchen

Saucy Saturday: Sean Ferguson Edition

I sort of fell in love with the artistic and natural nude sides (all sides!) of Sean Ferguson in Son of Jericho at The Temptation of Eve

sexy tattooed hunk Sean Ferguson

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Sean Ferguson art nude

classic nude muscle beefcake Son of Jericho Ferguson

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(Animated gifs by Jerk-Smooth Tumblr.)

You can follow Ferguson on Instagram & Facebook.

Hold The Phone! It’s Time For A Sex News Round-Up!

Sean Ferguson on phone Normally, I just curate/post all the short bits & bobs in sex news at Scoop.It; but as several recent stories seem to have connections & require more context and comment, here’s a sex news round-up.

To keep the phone idiom going, let’s start with phone sex news. Phone sex consultant, Lynn, was doing some research for a client and discovered that of all the countries in the world, the one from which the most (Google) searches for “femdom” and related fetishes is… (drum-roll) Syria! Talk about your cultural taboos & hypocrisy. The connections to the Arab Spring and current terrorist events are pretty obvious too. (While you’re there, you may wish to check out some of the rude things phone sex callers do to their PSOs. Shame, shame!)

Remember last year, when we talked about the whole “men like to mate when the weather is cooler” thing? Well, on the flip side, economists look at climate change (aka global warming), less sex, and what it may mean for the planet’s population.

No mention of climate change as the reason, but folks in Japan are having less sex. Well, at least they are having less sex with other people, anyway. For we know the Japanese are heavily into masturbating (all that JAV porn, tentacle porn, and other delicious Japanese weirdness) ~ and masturbation is sex. While we might suggest that all the fab Japanese kinky masturbation material is to blame for less interest in sex with a partner, experts say the systemic gender inequality is the culprit. And this so-called sexual apathy is going to fuck up the world economy.

The sexism in Japan may be horrible, but overall it is better than China’s general attitude towards women, where the single child rule has led to putting girl babies up for adoption ~ and female infanticide. Surprise! The pay off is a large gender imbalance, creating a plethora of “bare branches”, as the bachelors are called. One economist’s suggestion? Let men share wives. Note the patriarchal tone ~ including in the ensuing outrage. Who knows, perhaps matriarchy will be the result?

Matriarchy in China isn’t merely a matter of crossing one’s fingers and hoping either. Already, Chinese men are willing to dig deep and spend $2,500 on sex dolls, not only as a replacement for a female in their lives, but so as not to seek sex workers or otherwise commit adultery and anger their wives. No mention of women who may prefer sex dolls of their own.

Speaking of women and their power, anthropologist Dr. Sarah B. Hrdy has been studying the topic of female aggression. Yes, she found we have it. One of her statements, “that suppression of female sexuality is by women, not necessarily by men,” confounds a bit ~ as it rather suggests that women in a male dominated patriarchy aren’t compelled to comply to male standards.

However, in that same article, Dr. Christopher J. Ferguson, a psychologist at Stetson University, stated that research shows women are not so much affected by media images as they are by the appearance of peers and other women around them (even more so when men are in attendance). This rather supports what I wrote years ago ~ at least as far as the media images part goes. See: Body Image In Art, Porn & Media.

But Ferguson & others still seem to align with Hrdy’s position; i.e. that women act as “mean girls” to control one another. Ah, but since they repeat themselves, I will as well. Women are still living in a male dominated society and therefore will seek to survive and thrive under the paradigm of the patriarchy.

While I still have you on the line (Get it? I’m back to the phone puns!), I’d like to direct you to this article about virtual sex options (it also has excellent tips on privacy & safety for clients too).

Image Credits: Sean Ferguson at Temptation of Eve