Adult Sex Ed Month Is Cuming

adult sex ed monthThis June, the second Adult Sex Ed Month will be held. It may seem like a long time away yet, but I wanted to speak with event’s founder, Ms. Quote of A Good Woman’s Dirty Mind, to let everyone know about the event ~ and get prepared for it. It’s a pretty simple event, really just about Tweeting those sex ed articles and posts (those you’ve made or read this past year) using the #AdultSexEdMonth hashtag. But knowing the what and why of the event will likely make you want to start saving a list of links.

What made you want to start such an event?

A couple of reasons … The most important reason was realizing how many people have so many questions about sex, especially the really basic stuff. Having been divorced for 17 years, I’ve had a few men in my life in their 40′s and 50′s that still had sex like 18-year-old boys. They didn’t know what they were doing.

But it’s not just about techniques. A lot of people have very little knowledge of their bodies, let alone of the opposite sex. Finding credible information on search engines about kinks and fetishes online is even more difficult. Things like safe sex, consent, communication, relationships, sexual health, polyamory, and LGBT sex and issues are important things to share, too.

Another reason is in doing research on some topics, I’ve found that there can sometimes be very little or conflicting professional and clinical information, especially about things like female ejaculation, the G-spot and orgasms.

I’ve found that sex bloggers (and professional sex experts) usually provide the best, honest and frank information about sex, but they rarely come up on the top of Google searches. I felt starting a viral campaign would make their information more accessible to the masses.

At a bare minimum what do you hope the event achieves?

At a minimum, I just want adults to have access to complete and credible information about sex. I want to bring this information out in the mainstream.

Dreaming BIG, what do you envision from the event?

I’d love for people to be more open about discussing sex with their partners, friends and families. I want to take the shame and embarrassment out of sex. I don’t want people labeling all sex and adult content as porn or something deviant. Sex is something that almost all adults do and enjoy. If we can push for better sex and better attitudes about sex, we’ll have happier people.

Bloggers, writers, etc. can help make it all happen by posting/sharing; what else can people do to help?

This isn’t just about bloggers and writers. I encourage readers to share stories they find interesting and helpful, too. The more people share, the farther this kind of information gets out in the mainstream to the people who need it most.

Why did you pick June, no vacation this year? lol

I was writing a blog post last May (2013) on why we need more and better sex education for adults. While I was writing this, I thought, why don’t we do something about this … like now? I got the word out to a few bloggers that I knew and #AdultSexEdMonth took off like wildfire. A few bloggers became dozens of bloggers and hundreds of articles.

This wasn’t something I could do myself. I am by no means an expert on everything sexual. There are some things that don’t interest me or turn me on. When I look back on how many topics that were covered during last year’s #AdultSexEdMonth, it’s incredible, it blows my mind. I love the diversity of topics and even the diversity of information and opinions that were made within specific topics. There really is something for everyone.

Now, start saving those links, writing those articles, spreading the word about Adult Sex Month!

You can also find Adult Sex Month at Twitter and Facebook.

Sex & Disabilities

Among the articles in the Feminist Times series on sex work, was a thought-provoking one about people with disabilities. In Nobody’s Entitled To Sex, Including Disabled People, Philippa Willitts, as self-described “disabled feminist”, writes:

Debates about the sex industry are never far from any feminist’s consciousness, and one argument that always catches my attention is that prostitution should be legalised because, without sex workers, those poor, pitiful disabled people would never get any sex.

People who have never showed any interest in campaigning against disability benefit cuts or fighting for accessible premises are suddenly preoccupied by our ‘right’ to sex? It’s disingenuous, and it hides a not-so-subtle disablism behind the rhetoric.

The assumption that nobody would ever have sex with a disabled person through personal choice is not only inaccurate, it’s also offensive. An infantilised view of disabled people also contributes to the idea that sex with one of us is wrong or weird, adding to the stigma and prejudice that limit our lives.

True, expecting all disabled people to require the services of a professional to get laid is a stereotype worthy of examination. It truly is. Even though my past experiences in sex work with disabled men tells me it is a valuable service, we can’t make assumptions about all the dating and sex needs of disabled people.

hunchback toon sexBut there are problems with Willitts’s arguments, which expose this for what it really is: Just another piece written to deny sex workers their rights.

When Willitts says, “arguing for a disabled man’s ‘right’ to use a sex worker is that it is pitting his desires against a woman’s bodily autonomy”, she not only is sexist, leaving disabled women out of the conversation, but she nauseatingly perpetuates the stance that sex workers are victims ~ rather than accepting sex workers as expressing their own bodily autonomy.

And when Willitts says, “the failure to orgasm on a regular basis has yet to cause somebody’s heart to stop beating or their genitals to fall off”, she forgets that there are other options, such as masturbation. If a person’s disability doesn’t prevent that; there are various types of disabilities after all. Perhaps more importantly, she forgets that what many people ~ disabled or not ~ seek from a sex worker is companionship.

There are complex issues at play where disabled people and sexuality are concerned. Technology, advice, or even special training may be needed for a successful sex life, but the problems we face are a result of disablist discrimination, not some kind of innate inability to meet a sexual partner. And just as disabled people need equal rights so do women, including the right to not be exploited or abused.

It’s that last line that kills me. It shows her thoughts about sex workers to be as assumptive and infantilized as the thinking she rails against when it comes to disabled people. On top of the data she mentions (which doesn’t necessarily pass scrutiny), it exposes Willitts herself as disingenuous and her own rhetoric as being full of not-so-subtle negative and ignorant attitudes. For that reason this image of The Hunchback fucking is used. Surely, Willitts can handle the joke. After all, I’m treating her like any other person, expecting her to see the humor.

Image of Esmeralda entertaining to men, including The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, via.

Of Feminism & Inequality In Porn & Sex Work

Normally I discuss sex work and sex worker issues at Cult Of Gracie, or curate sex work issues at Scoop.It, but as today’s discussion of the topic centers around pornography and other more graphic issues, it best belongs here.

The Feminist Times has an excellent series on sex work, covering a diverse range of issues. (Sadly, it is only found by searching for the hashtag #SexIndustryWeek, as if finding it on Twitter was more important than a person being able to find all the discussion on the site.) Because it is a diverse series, there are plenty of articles I do not agree with; but that’s what makes it a good discussion, so, please, do take the time to read them. However, there’s one article in particular that raised my hackles and prompts me to write today ~ primarily because it has gone without comment. Such absence of comment might make people think it is “right”. And it is not.

The article is #SexIndustryWeek: Dworkin Was Right About Porn, by VJD Smith of Glosswatch. In it, Smith uses the words of Andrea Dworkin to align all porn as patriarchal misogyny abusing and raping female victims:

In Women-Hating Right and Left, Andrea Dworkin calls out the way in which pornography is granted a special “get out of misogyny free” card because it makes people come:

“Those who think that woman hating is all right—they’re not feminists. They’re not. Those who think that it’s all right sometimes, here and there, where they like it, where they enjoy it, where they get off on it—especially sexually— they’re not feminists either. And the people who think that woman hating is very bad some places, but it’s all right in pornography because pornography causes orgasm, are not feminists.”

Dworkin was right, and it’s annoying that she’s right, given the things that might turn us on. I’m only human, too. I don’t want to be Andrea Dworkin; I’d much rather be Belle de frigging Jour. But I want to participate in feminism with my eyes open and I’m not so prudish about what happens to women that I’ll insist we turn off the lights.

Sex is not frightening. It is just flesh touching flesh, going into flesh, moving and feeling. An orgasm is an orgasm, a penis a penis, an orifice an orifice, a tongue a tongue. Nothing to be scared of. It is what it is.

What we fear is violence and abuse. That’s why we don’t call out misogyny. That’s why we don’t question the context of sexual exchange.

As a woman, as a feminist, I give many thanks to Andrea Dworkin ~ and Mary Daly ~ for all the work they’ve done. Without them, most of us would never have examined our culture, ourselves, and our own needs. I know that without them, I probably never would have pulled and tugged at such uncomfortable things as what it means to be a woman ~ within myself and with others. But Dworkin and Smith make simple, but huge, mistakes.

Who says porn is for men? The idea that porn is only or predominantly for men is an antiquated notion. (As a feminist, it would be easier to argue that the long history of pornography, from French postcards to men’s mags, from stag films to hardcore porn, was more impacted by gender inequality than lack of female interest; women have always had less money, so how could they match male investment?) What about heterosexual women and couples who enjoy porn? Does liking porn really make you a misogynist? What about lesbians watching lesbian porn made by lesbians? Is that infected by the patriarchy too? What about gay male porn ~ women watch that too. And even the most stereotypical porn steeped in traditional male values has a healthy, feminist, female following.  Lots of women have rape fantasies ~ it’s perfectly “normal”.

Who says porn is abusive? Smith begins her article with a story about a twelve-year-old boy who raped his 7-year-old sister after watching hardcore pornography. But let’s face facts. Rape is not about sexuality; it’s about violence, power and control. And there are no reliable studies that link pornography to rape or abuse; not even porn featuring BDSM. Shouldn’t the blame of the rape lay at the boy’s inability to control himself, at his parents for not getting him the sort of help he obviously needs?

Why can’t people give other people credit for being able to separate fantasies from reality? And, when they cannot, let the problem lie at the feet of the wrongdoer, not blame porn, the media, or sex work?

We discussed a lot of this back in 2005, in the Sex Kitten Pornography & Women Issue. (Yes, Sex Kitten is an old sex blogger site, dating back to 2001; even if it has been left out of some people’s histories of sex blogging.) But, apparently, all this bears repeating.

pheobe camiI agree with Smith that sex is not frightening, that we should participate in feminism, and indeed our world, with our eyes open. That includes accepting orgasms from fantasies, pornography, and even role play scenarios that are not feminist or are otherwise taboo, i.e. not deemed appropriate for reality. That includes sex as a commodity.

Like I said before, feminists and others who struggle for equality, would be wise to look at issues of pay inequality, poverty, and other issues of economic divisions in terms of assessing the prevalence of “male porn.” Women, people of color, members of the LGBTQ community can all see how less money means not only less access, but less ability to create demand in the market place. This impacts sex work too.

In Why Do So Many Leftists Want Sex Work to Be the New Normal?, Katha Pollitt blames insidious male privilege for what she sees as fundamentally wrong with sex work:

It’s one thing to say sex workers shouldn’t be stigmatized, let alone put in jail. But when feminists argue that sex work should be normalized, they accept male privilege they would attack in any other area. They accept that sex is something women have and men get (do I hear “rape culture,” anyone?), that men are entitled to sex without attracting a partner, even to the limited extent of a pickup in a bar, much less pleasing or satisfying her. As Grant says, they are buying a fantasy—the fantasy of the woman who wants whatever they want (how johns persuade themselves of this is beyond me). But maybe men would be better partners, in bed and out of it, if they couldn’t purchase that fantasy, if sex for them, as for women, meant finding someone who likes them enough to exchange pleasure for pleasure, intimacy for intimacy. The current way of seeing sex work is all about liberty—but what about equality?

Yes, we all still struggle with male privilege (and white privilege, etc. etc. etc.), but let’s look at the real inequality for a moment.

In a world where men can get an over-priced penis pump while women’s rights to basic healthcare and control of their own bodies is eroding at an impossibly fast rate (especially for poor women, i.e. women of color), do you think it is possible for women to participate as consumers in the sexual marketplace?

Forget that we women make what, 70 cents to the male dollar, leaving us very little disposable income, we are not allowed such services. When women buy a book like 50 Shades, it becomes national headlines, so you can only imagine what would happen if women sought adult entertainment outside the safe confines of the bachelorette party making a visit to see the traveling Chippendales tour. And even then, we’re supposed to laugh and giggle at ourselves, lest we be labeled a Peg Bundy, or worse, risk real life things like the custody of our children. When men use sex services, they can continue to have their lives, their children, their jobs, hold political office, etc. Men will be men, right? But women ~ oh, hell no! Women must be women, non-paid guardians of home and hearth, and only as monogamously sexual as their male partners want them to be. Scarlet letters, remember?

If there were true equality, sex work would be legal and the free market would dictate what was “normal”.

Image of Phoebe via.

A Look Inside A Phone Sex Hobbyist’s Mind

When phone sex operator come phone sex consultant Lynn met Tom, a man with some pretty strong phone sex calling habits (he has over 500 phone sex operators in his list of favorites alone!), she dubbed him “Tom Cat”. Not long after that, she decided to put Tom Cat to some good use by giving him a phone sex review website called Tom Cat’s Phone Sex Reviews.

tom-cats-phone-sex-reviewsAs a former escort, I’ve long been familiar with hobbyists (or punters, as they are called in the UK), but I guess I never thought about the notion of phone sex hobbyists… This was my chance to meet one. Here’s my interview with Tom Cat.

Hi, Tom Cat, and welcome to Sex Kitten! Lynn has shared some information about you, and I’ve read the “about” at your site. And I gather you’ve read our previous phone sex discussions (part one, part two, part three). Do you have any comments to add to those discussions? Anything you want to make sure we know about you & your phone sex habits?

I guess the thing that I’d like to reinforce, that I also stated in the bio of my reviews, is that I consider my phone sex habits to be pretty vanilla, with a bent towards the curious. I see all these profiles that emphasize “no taboo”. I don’t see myself looking for those unusual, kinky things. I’m just looking to act out things that I typically WOULD do in real life.

In the previous interview/article that you did, the guys talked about imagining demons, animals, hybrids, etc. None of that for me. They fantasized about nuns in churches, etc. None of that for me. You might call my phone sex habits to be of the Penthouse Forum variety.

The transformations, where one or both participants undergo physical, emotional and sex drive changes due to some trigger (potion, spoken phrase, physical item, natural phenomenon (asteroid, lightening, chemical spill, etc.), is probably my only “unnatural fantasy”. But I’ve found websites (breastexpansionstorys, deviantart, etc) that reassure me that I am not alone, lol!

tom cat-phone-sex-masturbating-five-stars-300Do you also partake of other sex services, such as cam girls, escorts, etc?

As far as other services, I have used cam, escorts and strip clubs.

Is phone sex your primary sex service or adult entertainment service?

Phone sex is primary, strip clubs would be second. I haven’t used an escort services in nearly 5 years, but I’m on the fringe of one, using the “dating” website WhatsYourPrice.com. Since I’m paying money for the dates, I lump it into this same “entertainment” budget group.

You’ve mentioned that you feel you are addicted ~ do you mean to phone sex or sex in general or?

I’d have to say the addiction is to the phone sex and services….things that cost money. I just don’t exhibit self control to stop within a budget. I really don’t engage in much actual sex, and my masturbation rate varies from 3-10 times a week. Don’t have much to compare to, but I know I haven’t FUCKED anybody in roughly 15 years…

Why do you use phone sex?

Why I use phone sex feels more complicated to me than the answers that I read in your other article. I felt that theme was the men (and women) saying that it was a natural, useful outlet to meet sexual needs when partners are unavailable (physically or emotionally). For me, it fills more of a void, and in some ways, it’s an unhealthy void. I may not feel that way if I was able to limit myself to a few PSOs. I consider it to be an addiction for me and members of my family would agree, lol!

One of the points that IS emphasized by your previous panel is the importance of setting a budget. I’m not very good at that. I live an almost paycheck to paycheck existence because of my desire to talk to “attractive” women on the phone.

phone sex flirt girl next door kaylaHow many PSOs do you call a week?

How many PSOs I call kind of depends on how “active” I am. I go through periods of HIGH activity (15 calls per week to 4-12 PSOs) to a lull of no PSO calls for 4-6 weeks (or longer) if I “tighten the budget”.

What are some of the specific fantasies you look for in phone entertainment?

I mentioned my transformation fantasy. I really use my calls for one or more of three purposes:

Strictly socializing, talking about our real lives. Engaging in role play sex, which includes the transformations role plays. And straight descriptive mutual masturbation, which would include the mutual intoxication.

And, as much as I agree with the previous panel that fulfilling the man’s needs is the ultimate purpose of a phone sex call, I myself am less satisfied and fulfilled if the woman hasn’t cum. It may or may not be real, but that’s my ultimate pleasure.

In looking at your reviews, it definitely seems you have a type! Busty & blonde! How important are such physical characteristics for you in terms of a phone sex call?

How important are the physical characteristics in terms of phone sex? That’s a really great question. In part, because I understand the fantasy part of phone sex. The person that I’m speaking with may or may NOT actually look like the pictures on the profile. That said, I still can’t get past the psychological hurdle that I like what I like and I want to fantasize about attractive, buxom women (the blonde isn’t as important to me, but most of the profiles DO seem to skew that way, don’t they, lol).

At the same time, once I’ve MADE a call, if the PSO is engaging, funny, a good conversationalist, I’ll call even if the appearance ISN’T in line with “my usual”. I have had short “flings” with some BBW that I found delightful to talk to and there’s currently a “smaller chested” PSO on Niteflirt that I love flirting with over the phone…haven’t even gone any further into the sexual aspect than that.

So, to try and summarize, the physical image is what attracts me to make the initial calls, but I also keep my eyes open for other characteristics that appeal to me and entertain me.

cum slut pso barbiewildHow difficult is it for you to continue to find busty & blonde PSOs?

Busty blonde or otherwise, there never seems to be a drought of new girls joining Niteflirt and Secondhand Rose has introduced me to MyPhoneSite, so I’m exploring there as well. Finding more never seems to be a problem.

You mention the lull period is 4 – 6 weeks; I have a few questions about that… When you abstain from phone sex, do you also cease other sex services? How long are the periods where you using phone sex (or sex services)?

My lulls are primarily financially driven. I over extend myself and have to “tighten the belt” to rebuild the reserves. So it is all sex services that come at a cost. And in all honesty, there’s also some morality involved, a feeling of “this is not the right way to have relationships with women”, “You know better than this”, “What would/will your parents/kids/friends/coworkers say about this behavior”. That also contributes to the lull.

The activity itself kinda lasts as long as the money holds out. This most recent period has lasted around 8 months.

phone sex dominance with mistress candiceSince you are so into specific looks, do you also belong to paysites, have a large video collection?

Interestingly, I do not belong to pay sites. The videos, while satisfying the visual stimulation, don’t fulfill the conversational, intellectual or pseudo-relational needs that I find addressed with the more “real-time” in person sex services. I think this is fairly consistent with the initial articles that you did.

Why have you started the review site?

I guess trying to feel better about myself by giving back to people. To the PSOs by trying to help them generate incremental business, to other customers by directing them to more quality services and to fill a need that Lynn felt was lacking.

Does doing the reviews help during the “lulls”, or is it more of a trigger?

Well, we’ll have to see, lol, since the reviews are relatively new and I’m just hitting the first “lull” since starting the reviews. My initial feeling is that it’s a bit of a trigger, in that it makes me long for the connection and relationships with the PSOs that I call most often.

sexy jc glamour girl on cam and phone sexHow important are reviews (or feedback and ratings) to you when you look for phone sex services?

Reviews are important to me. As I’ve mentioned before, I know that not all the pictures are legit, so I want to know if the person can carry on a good conversation. I look for issues in the feedback like, “not very responsive”, “only wanted things her way” , “didn’t seem that into it”.

What are the biggest problems you find in terms of looking for quality phone sex services?

Hmmm, biggest problem. Outside of the cost (I know how I would spend money if I won the lottery, lol!), the only other thing that I can think of is the availability of the PSO that you enjoy using the most. They may or may not have a regular online schedule. You may not have made a specific “plan” for catching up again.

Beyond that, the hit and miss of talking to someone to see if there’s a fit, some chemistry. That may be a burden to some, but it’s a part that I enjoy.

And maybe that’s why I’m doing the reviews. Trying to help others avoid the initial “difficult” situation of sifting through several calls to find the phone sex operator(s) they want.

Thanks, Tom Cat, for sharing with us.

Images of PSOs here are of some of Tom Cat’s 4 Star and 5 Star phone sex operators (in order shown): Naughty Kayla (review here), Barbie Wild (review here), Mistress Candace (review here) and Sexy JC (review here).

You’d Better Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself

From the “This Is Why Some Fantasies Are Better Left Fantasies” file comes this, err, “entry” on anal sex fantasies. The infographic, found via Secret Phone Sex, was made by phone sex operator Cameryn Moore who had a very specific reason for making it:

One of my “extreme top” callers likes to have me ram dildoes in my ass, end to end, no lube. One day he had me cram 30 inches of dildoes in there, and wondered what percentage of the large intestine that much dildo would occupy…

anal infographic dildos intestines