Being a Domme, Alone

I didn’t choose to be a Domme overnight. It started with submission, online. I think I really just wanted closeness to someone. It seemed the best way to find a man to care about you was to give him what he wanted. A lot of women must feel this way. I still see a lot of women involved in online chats who pander to the men, giving them sexual gratification online. I never got much back from this myself. It was fun creating the scenarios but while he was coming, I was bored to slightly disgusted with the whole thing. What was lacking for me was something real, something where I was having fun too.

One night a man I was playing with in online chat (it was IRC then) asked me to switch and become the one on top (not literally). So in the middle of thinking I was a submissive I became a Domme. No, not quite that simply. I had fun that night. But the move wasn’t that fast in my own mind. I began labelling myself a Switch. Even then I capitalized it, as if I really knew all along. Switching was fun. I did notice that Domming however, was much easier online. When I had the lead I could move things along at my own pace and I could take out some of the anger I was beginning to feel towards the typical online man looking for a no-strings, freebie cyber screwing.

I don’t remember the actual time and place I stopped being a Switch and let myself become a Domme. I don’t remember the events that brought me to the final decision. But, it worked and maybe that was all it took. Just to finally admit none of the rest was really working for me.

Now, I wonder how other women don’t see things as I do. Why aren’t we all Dommes? Perhaps the answer is men. Now that I do know where I fit in, for myself, I have seen how few of those men who call themselves submissive actually understand what it means. Submissive means actually being submissive. I would say (in my experience) only one in several thousand actually has that figured out. It’s disappointing. To be ready, willing and able and yet not find a single man who can be ready, willing and able with me. I’ve been looking. I’ve had a lot of empty promises, a lot of lies (lies to themselves as much as lies to me).

I keep hoping, keep looking. Surely there must be one among all those who claim to be what I want who actually IS what I want.

For men who claim to be submissive: You can’t lead and have things your way and still pretend you are being submissive and serving her. Use your common sense, it’s in the other head.

For women in general: Don’t think being a Domme is about wearing a lot of black with a corset and a whip and chains. It’s not. Being a Domme is about making choices, it’s about taking control and making the relationship work for you. You take charge of the sex, how and when it happens. You can take it further and take charge of the entire relationship, outside of the bedroom as well. Or not. I wish more women understood what being a Domme really is versus the stereotypes. However, men don’t seem to really get it either.

Maybe there really isn’t any hope for a real D/s relationship between a man and a woman. I’m an optimist so I keep trying.

The man in cage from this image was made by Allison Wells, Papersnake. I found it through The Beading Gem originally.

12 thoughts on “Being a Domme, Alone

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  4. There is a cultural presupposition that negates validity of a woman’s dominance and it can take expensive mental equipment to defend that desire.

    While I find myself agreeing with much of your observations, I find myself disagreeing heartily with what appears to be your conclusion: men who call themselves submissive are actually not. That is highly insulting, actually.

    I wonder, then, what you would make of one of my old blog posts: 8 Things Submissive Men Want From A Dominant Partner, which seems a sensible corollary to this post.

  5. I did not say men are not submissive. I said they may think they are submissive yet their actions work against them and the male submissive relationship.

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