Masturbation & Relationship Facts

At Kinkly, JoEllen Notte aka The Redhead Bedhead addresses the question, “Is Virtual Sex Real Sex?”

Notte’s short answer is, “‘Real sex’ is whatever feels real for you.” Which is perfectly true. However…

phone sex masturbationPhone sex, sex chats such as cybering and sexting, camming, and other forms of virtual sex are simply more modern, technologically advanced masturbatory materials. It’s no different, really, than viewing antique French postcards, reading erotica, looking at porn mags, and watching adult films. It’s all about the masturbation.

OK, sometimes it’s about mutual masturbation.

But it’s masturbation, nevertheless.

Is masturbation “real sex?”

Yes; yes, it is.

But masturbation is not the same thing as sexual intercourse.

And that’s the fundamental, if not actually acknowledged from the start, point of Notte’s article. For eventually we find ourselves in a discussion about whether or not virtual sex is cheating. Notte’s conclusion is a sane one: “You have to define the rules and what counts as cheating for yourself and discuss it with your partners.” But while I most definitely am an advocate for communication, I find Notte has missed at least one step.

I repeat: Virtual sex is masturbation. It is a form of sex, yes; but it is not sexual intercourse ~ and it most definitely is not relationship sex.

Don’t believe me? Let’s check-in with an expert. Tammy M. Fontana, MS NCC CTRT Sex Therapist USA says that masturbation and relationship sex are not the same thing nor are the two even interchangeable.

The only thing that they share is that they are both types of sex.

…Masturbation is the most common form of sex anyone has. It is very different from relationship sex. People choose masturbation for different reasons than they choose relationship sex. Masturbation and relationship sex are definitely not interchange able but can often compliment one another. Contrary to how many people think, masturbation doesn’t take away relationship sex, in some cases it actually helps to enhance it.

So how then can masturbation be cheating?

Because, as Fontana notes, some people believe it is:

Please note, that when discussing sex, people get confused on what is fact and what is a belief/opinion. Many people think that if they believe something or FEEL something, it is true. Then if they can back this belief or opinion up with other people’s beliefs or opinions via friends or the internet that makes it more true. Strongly FELT beliefs or strongly FELT opinions do not become true even if many other feel the same way. Feelings are not fact. Feelings are real but they are not always factual.

You know, it’s like global warming; there’s science, and then there’s “belief” that it’s not real.

I think Roue Ataraxia (Roue) and Silent Porn Star (SPS) both addressed these feelings about masturbation when the husband and wife discussed the role phone sex and masturbation plays in their relationship in this interview:

SPS: I don’t know if you recall this particular embarrassment of being a young woman, but a lot of young women feel insecure about their men masturbating. I know I did when I was in my early 20s. I’m not proud of it; but I do know it’s a relatively common thing.

Somehow our value to our partners seems diminished if we aren’t the sole-receptacle of his ejaculation. Seed spilled in a hand, not our bush, is seen as cheating, as a threat. In part because we’ve been taught that if we don’t please our man, someone will. And, because we know he has to be masturbating to something (and it may not be us!), there’s this feeling that we aren’t safe in our relationship, that we can be (or are about to be) replaced. I suppose this also has something to do with the differences in sex drives too… A young woman isn’t driven to sexual distraction as much as a young man is, so we women, not being able to relate to that high of a sex drive, figure that his wanting or needing sex more is somehow a statement on or judgement about our inability to satisfy him. We fear his masturbation is a failure on our part — and one that threatens our relationship.

Roue: And a lot of men — of all ages, I might add — feel that if their woman is masturbating, they are missing an opportunity. An opportunity to get laid, first of all. But also the opportunity to please their partner. Even in this world that’s focused on male pleasure, men are taught that good lovers don’t leave their women wanting.

SPS: Of course, time and experience teaches a mentally healthy person to get over such absurdities about a partner’s masturbation. It’s as silly as worrying when she reads romance novels or watches chick-flicks. Choices in entertainment options don’t have to equal relationship problems.

While I would prefer that everyone became a healthy person and just accepted masturbation as part of the “Everybody poos, everybody screws” reality, I know better. So the advice about people communicating their needs and beliefs is very sound. But still…

As a former escort, I can’t help but feel that beneath all this concern about “virtual sex being cheating” lies a fear and loathing of sex workers.

Let’s face it, many times these virtual sex services are paid for. And while the services of a phone sex operator, a cam girl, or any other virtual sex companion shouldn’t be seen as anything different than the purchase of an erotic ebook, handing over the membership fee at an adult website, paying the cost of streaming a porno, or buying a vibrator or other masturbation toy, it usually is. Somehow the masturbatory delights achieved via the services of a virtual sex worker are all-too-typically believed to be especially damaging to relationship sex and therefore relationships themselves.

That, my friends, is not only false but is just another form of whorephobia.

tinman masturbatesProfessional assistance in masturbatory fantasies is no different than other masturbation aids. …Well, if you pay for them, they ought to be better than the free stuff. But morally speaking, factually speaking, it’s all just masturbation. Which isn’t the same as people fucking. Which is not to say that one form of sex work is “better” than another; just that paying for masturbatory materials or assistance ought not be any sort of deal breaker in your relationship.

Unless, of course, it is.

So, by all means, do discuss your sexual and relationship needs and beliefs with your partners. Draw your lines where you must; just don’t be surprised when your partners do the same. And by that, I mean they operate off the facts, not beliefs, and opt for masturbation ~ leaving you, your myths, and even your relationship behind.

Some of us are just not willing to give up our masturbation, no matter how much we love you. Jackin’ off, Jillin’ off, it’s all just a healthy, natural extension of that “love yourself first” thing. Even if we sometimes pay for some help with it.

Image Credits: Masturbation images via.

fantasy cock stroking

3 thoughts on “Masturbation & Relationship Facts

  1. I may have a new phobia after seeing that image of the tin man. I’m allergic to the scarecrow and lion… all I had was the tin man!!!

  2. Pingback: Sexual Companions Are Good For Your Health! | Peck and Call Girls: Modern Courtesans, Virtual Assistants Of Sex

  3. Pingback: Dirty Talk: When Is It Masturbation, When Is It An Affair? | Sex~Kitten.net

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