My Husband Is Bisexual! Now What?

Today we welcome a guest into our Sex Kitten Parlor to discuss his personal story… Peter is a relationship & sex writer for TheGayUk magazine. He is in a loving marriage with Michael; the couple resides in Brisbane, Australia. Besides writing, Peter loves cooking, reading, and travelling around exotic destinations. His future plans revolve around starting up his personal couple counseling business.

A long time ago, in a land far far away there lived a Prince. He was charming, handsome, smart and rich – a real catch. Then, one day – he went to a ball in search of his soul mate. That’s when he instantly fell in love with a Princess, the most beautiful of all. Their eyes met and it was love that would last forever and ever… at least, that’s what we are told. Truth is, this glorified Prince had probably had another prince on the side already, the Princess had probably had an elf or another princess to fool around with too, but Disney never told us about that, did he now? Sure, it’s always easier to live an illusion than face reality. Until it slaps you in the face.

We all love and fall, we all hurt. It’s how we overcome it, and how strongly we decide to love again what counts.

wedding coupleDiscovering your partner is something you never thought would be absolutely nerve-wrecking. From small things, like realizing they’ve been lying to you the whole time when saying they went golfing with their friends (when they’ve actually been taking a break from the family life every Wednesday and Friday) to realizing your significant other has preferences towards the other sex. Naturally, these two are incomparable but it’s all betrayal and betrayal is difficult on plenty of levels. Finding out your partner is bisexual? Horrible.

When it happened to me and my husband I was destroyed; a mashup of feelings I’d never felt until then suffocated me to a point I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It was the worst feeling of my life, in all honesty. And the way I found out? Not that pleasant either.

We were at this party our friends threw (it’s their thing, they throw it every last Saturday in a month and all of our friends gather, we bring home-cooked food and deserts, bottles of wine are opened and we just enjoy our night away) and my husband started chatting with this girl, who was quite attractive, I must admit. She was new in the crowd, recently moved in next door to our friends’, so they invited her over. At first, I thought they were just being friendly, but once the leaning in started and his flirting I knew something was up. But, I was confused as she was, well, a girl and he was-gay. That is, was supposed to be gay. I started recalling all the small signs from before, I so successfully (and intentionally) ignored but did bury deep into my subconsciousness thinking they’d be safe there.

When we came home, I immediately confronted him. At first, he started denying it but then he cracked. He started crying, I could read the immense pain in his body language for hurting me and the inexplicable relief at the same time, for getting it off his chest. So he admitted he is bisexual and what was I supposed to do with that? Was our 7-year-long marriage a lie? Did he ever love me? Was I a decoy for something, God knows what? I was frozen with shock yet a burning flame in my mind and soul.

The morning after – I left the house and called in sick. I needed some time away and a proper detachment to clear my head (read: sleep or cry when I am awake, then drink and exercise my strength not to call him when all I wanted was to scream his name and tell him how much I despise him and love him still).

After I’ve managed to put together a few days without calling him, I’ve decided it’s time I picked myself up and figured out what was happening to me. To us. At the time, it was all so confusing, so mind boggling that it seemed like there was no way out. I wasn’t ready to let go, I’ve spent some of the best years of my life with this man. I’ve given him my soul, my body, my mind… I’ve surrendered my entire being to him and to me – that was more than enough a reason to try and fight this.

However, there was no one to talk to. I felt humiliated and pretty much in a dead-end. I mean, who could have I turned to and hope they would help? Nobody could understand what I was feeling.

The only thing that came to my mind was to try and Google it, see if there were any studies on this done, read through what the experts had to say. And, to my surprise, once I started Googling it, it turned out it was a rather common problem plenty a couple was dealing with. Not that I would ever want such a heartache on anyone but when I realized there were other couples in the same or similar jam as I was, I felt a relief. Not a relief because they were suffering, but because it meant I’d be able to find a solution for my situation. Who knew being bisexual hit so many marriages!

I knew I didn’t want to leave him but I was aware there will be something for him to stay happy and content. Something absolutely out of the box.

After reading articles and articles of people with similar experiences to mine, I’ve stumbled upon a reference that lead me to a company called Red Door escort agency which, I’d later find out, was a highly professional and trustworthy environment offering the best escort service and utmost pleasure. Apparently, it was highly ranked with so many couples trusting it for support and a solution. So I thought, I’ll go check it out, what’s the worst that could happen!

I’ve arranged the meeting thinking the sooner I get it over with, the better. On my way there, I was sweating, my brain was pulsating, my mouth was dry and I genuinely felt sick to my stomach with the whole situation I was going through. Was I really not enough?

Nonetheless, once I got there, a sense of calm overwhelmed me. I was blown away with professionalism and amicability of the people who welcomed me. Contrary to my expectations (I’d honestly expected a Red District situation), the atmosphere was warm and cozy, a dignified ambiance followed by an expert approach – what more could I ask for! I talked about my problem, and I immediately got several potential solutions with explanations on how things could go down. This immediately instilled me with confidence. I was on a meeting with people who knew what they were talking about and I loved it.

Well, does it mean we’re cheating on each other if we opt for your services? – I asked at some point.

Honey – she smiled – would you rather have the love of your life unhappy with his limitation to be who he is, embrace it entirely and then snap somewhere and cheat with some random person in a bar, only to then come home to you ashamed and disgusted with himself, or would you rather go on the ride together, fully supporting each other? To be blunt – no, you are not cheating. You are loving each other by doing this.

I was sold.

I left the Red Door and immediately called Michael. It was a mind-opening experience for me. I am ready to try and work it out and I may have found us a solution. When I went back home, I told him all about it. He was a bit skeptical and, to a point, we were both afraid it would break our marriage apart but I guess, it was only normal to be as overwhelmed as we were.

When we went there together at our first session, it was like the most thrilling threesome you could have ever imagined. I was given the option to watch and I did. I was in the room there with them, the girl he was with was super hot and looking at him desirably. Being wanted by that gorgeous woman, seeing him happy was immensely uplifting and stimulating for me! I was convinced there was nothing to be intimidated by. Other sessions, he went alone and later came home to me.

Risking it paid off and, guess what? We’re celebrating our 8th anniversary tomorrow, he is taking me dancing!

5 Everyday Items You Didn’t Know Were Worth Selling

Journalism student and aspiring adult blogger Carl Greenlake steps into our parlour sharing some tips on the lucrative world of fetishes.

Right now, there are an array of items scattered around your house that you’re probably not even using and could be selling for big bucks. Now, these aren’t the type of things that one would sell on eBay (or any mainstream site for that matter). These are the products searched for in the incognito tab. The products where history has to be cleared post-search. These are… the everyday items that are bought and sold regularly in the adult industry.

Before you start flogging your toasters and kettles on the internet, it’s not that simple. The reason these buyers want to purchase these products is because of the seller. They have usually read a profile or even spoken to the seller directly, building a sort of rapport; a relationship if you will. The items become more than just their literal worth. They become a something from someone you know. This is what gives them their monetary value. Buyers enjoy purchasing these pieces because they feel a connection with the seller and revel in owning something they have owned.

Don’t get me wrong, these buyers aren’t usually buying pens and some of the items are slightly risqué; but this is the adult industry, what did you expect?

Underwear & Undergarments

pantiesYou know that pair of underwear that you’ve been meaning to throw away because you don’t wear them anymore? Well, there is a person out there that really wants them and will pay you money to have them. The used underwear business is booming. Thousands of purchases are made every day with more than that amount being listed. Sites like SofiaGray and communities such as Reddit have created platforms for sellers to advertise their used underwear to potential buyers.

SofiaGray reported that some of their most popular sellers earn any where $500 to $3000 a month and have stated that one seller managed to sell a single pair of underwear for $5000!

Shoes & Socks

The foot fetish may be the most well-known of the fetishes, mainly due to it being the least taboo. The popularity of this fetish has caused a whole new sub-fetish to be born: the used shoes and socks market. A fairly new model it may be, but it has been recently growing in traction; buyers purchase socks and shoes that still have the scent of the previous owner on it. Similar to underwear, the buyer generally gains sexual pleasure from the scent.

AdultWork.com offers a marketplace where these very items can be bought and sold. A handful of sellers have gone as far as just selling the insole of the shoes, with some even being edible!

Cigarettes

used cig buttsA habit that has lasted the ages and was once all the rage is now a profitable business. For the companies selling the cigarettes, it’s always been lucrative but now the buyers are having success. Just another reason not to kick the habit.

Smokers are now able to sell their used cigarettes and cigarette butts for more than a whole pack of cigarettes. However, buyers aren’t looking for any old butt lying in the street, they want something that’s been treated with love and care. Usually with the remains of lipstick at the bottom…the personal touch is what makes this a sellable item. The customers appreciate the fact that the seller has used the cigarette, that their lips were once around it and they are now the proud owner.

Tampons

tamponAs far as fetishes and interests go, I believe ‘if it’s not hurting anyone, no judgement should be made’. That being said, this particular item does raise some sanitation issues: Merchants are selling their tampons and sanitary towels or pads, after they have been used.

The laws on this vary country to country as it’s generally not safe to sell something which has another person’s blood on it. However, the trading of these items continue, though a lot more scarcely than the other products in this article.

If you are considering of entering this market, please ensure to check the laws and regulations in your region.

Bed Sheets

Who doesn’t love sliding into a newly made bed with fresh sheets? Probably not many, but there are some who prefer love sliding into a newly made bed with your previously used sheets. The last item on the agenda probably requires the least amount of work as you can actually make money in your sleep. Once the bed sheet has been slept in for a day, a week, or even a month, an ad can be thrown online where there’ll be lots of potential buyers. Obviously the more ‘activities’ that have been performed on the sheets, the more of a hot ticket item it will be. Some vendors even take requests from buyers to give the sheets a more of a personal feel.

There aren’t many sites which offer the ability to sell used sheets or bedding; the marketplace at AdultWork would probably again be your best bet.

The Men of Etsy

men of etsyThe Men of Etsy are also on TumblrFacebook and Twitter. If you want to find men who are good with their hands these would be places to start looking. I admit, a crafty man turns me on. A man with ideas, imagination and ingenuity… how could that not be alluring? Manly skills are sexy.

This is not about sex. I really do like a man who can fix things, make things and work at more than pencil pushing. (Pencil pushing is not a problem but if his main skills are being scruffy and watching TV… that’s not very interesting or sexy). Well, scruffy can be sexy, but only if he’s been working hard and didn’t have time to clean up, yet.

 An Interview with Twisted Leaf (one of the admins from MOE).

Q – Does being part of the group, Men of Etsy, help with sales on the site? Is there a good exchange of ideas and information? Has it helped yourself, in particular?

I think the men of Etsy group gives the men on the site a comradere. It makes us all feel that we’re not alone in a sea of women sellers, yeah? That can really bolster.

I’ve been with MOE for a long time, and the group goes through phases. Sometimes it’s very active and there have been team sales (The Men of Summer sale, for example) here and there which help with promotion, etc. We also offer networking via our Facebook page.

Q – What do most of the men make/ craft? From what you have seen do the men stick with woodwork and traditional men’s type of crafts using tools like hammers, saws and welding? Are many men in the group also knitting, sewing and creating paper crafts too?

They’re a diverse group. I, myself, make jewelry and do photography. The group has not just woodworkers, leather workers, and metal smiths but a wide array of craftsmen from soap makers and jewelry designers, to knitters, crocheters, tailors and clothes makers, painters, mixed media artists, photographers, bookbinders, and much more.

If you want to explore what the different members of the team have to offer, the sellers and their shops are all listed in our members page.

Q – Do the Men of Etsy sell as a full time career or (from what you have seen in the group) do most of the men make and sell crafts as a hobby or second income?

I think this varies a lot, not just in the Men of Etsy team, but on Etsy as a whole. I would say that those that make selling on Etsy a “full time career” are probably pretty low both in the team and on Etsy as an entire site. Some do it by mixing in selling at craft fares, etc.

Those that see their endeavors as a business would probably take up the largest chunk of members, with those that view selling on Etsy as a hobby taking up a significant but smaller chunk.

“No man has the right to dictate what other men should perceive, create or produce, but all should be encouraged to reveal themselves, their perceptions and emotions, and to build confidence in the creative spirit.”
― Ansel Adams

moewatch

Mongrammed watch from: tiposcreations

From: CompleteBowTies

Wooden bow tie from: CompleteBowTies

From: Spearheaders

Real fish leather waller from: Spearheaders

From: MENSLEATHER

Leather belt from: MENSLEATHER

From: Poochville

Dog collar from: Poochville

MOE Shopping links:

 

Just Who Is A “Sex Worker” & Who Carries The Shame? Irv O. Neil & I Discuss

Erotica author Irv O. Neil and I continue our talk, this time traveling into the semantics and shame of sex work.

Story Editor Irv O NeilDo you consider yourself, or erotica writers in general, to be sex workers? Why or why not?

I’m a writer who examines sexuality and other topics as well. In general I consider the term “sex worker” to be reductive whether it’s applied to a person who sells the services of his or her body, or dances in a strip club, or gives a handjob in a massage parlor. Is a New Burlesque dancer a sex worker because she strips down to pasties and shakes her bottom? She’s not a sex worker to me. She’s a stage performer. Likewise, I’m a writer whose main subject is sexuality, and not a sex worker.

In the cases of actual sex for money, from my own experience and from what I understand from my reading, it’s not just about sex in most cases anyway. It’s about companionship, loneliness, connection, the fulfillment of embarrassing desires, among other things. Why don’t we call them “loneliness workers”?

When I went to a brothel, it was often out of loneliness as much as horniness. After my father died in 1977, I visited one girl in an apartment brothel for six months and it took the edge off my mourning and gloom, as well as gave me an opportunity to explore my femdom and foot fetish fantasies. So to me the term “sex worker” sounds like something out of the dystopian movie Metropolis, like something that would be stamped on an impersonal identification card.

When it comes to fiction writing, I would definitely say that one of the functions of erotica, like that of a person selling actual sex, is to cut the edge of loneliness by giving the reader a vicarious experience to his or her preferred erotic taste.

I understand the tactical, political uses of “sex worker” as a term, but personally I prefer the phrase “erotic consultant” to “sex worker.” That comes from what a friend of mine used to ask me, inquiring whether I went to see a dominatrix lately. He would say, “Did you go see your consultant?” The word always brings a smile to my face. It is warm and not reductive; subtly evocative, and in its oblique way more inclusive of what a sexual service provider might actually do not just physically, but emotionally.

Naturally, Gracie, being a writer, I like to haggle over words! But I think my points are valid.

Yes, there are some valid points in there ~ but you’ve also just validated why I would consider you, and other erotica authors, to be sex workers!

You said, “I’m a writer whose main subject is sexuality,” and then went on to point out that sex workers, escorts, are consultants whose subject is sexuality. There are degrees of intimacy, obviously; both physically & emotionally. But, whether the reader or client is aware of it when picking up the book or going the appointment, the “entertainment” is designed to work with both the physical and the emotional. …So, do you care to change your opinion now? *wink*

I don’t know, this is a lot of semantics. I see your point but the mantle of sex worker doesn’t rest comfortably on my shoulders. I feel solidarity generally with people who work in different aspects of the sex trade, because I feel we share a commonality of working in professions that deal in sexuality, with all the varieties of awe and contempt that we get from “civilians,” but to call myself a sex worker feels too reductive and not really fair.

Firstly, a sex worker to me is the individual who actually deals with the physical customer. I know I’m lumping all sex workers together as I talk, but I want it clear that I am aware of the distinctions between those providers who have actual sex and those, like dominatrixes, who do roleplaying or spanking but don’t have actual genital contact in their hands, mouths, or vaginas.

And secondly — well, two of my favorite mystery writers are the British author Ruth Rendell and the French novelist George Simenon. Should we call them “mystery workers” because that’s the subject they usually write about? They’re writers, I’m a writer. I’m not putting myself on their level of quality, but we are all wordsmiths.

fate of a stripper ebookBut let me add this. There are people who work in what I call the “extreme professions.” People whose work cuts right to the nitty gritty of experience. Doctors, nurses, police, firefighters, soldiers, and yes, people in the sex trade. We all deal in elemental things in our daily work that people who toil in routine office jobs or retail or restaurants or don’t. The day-to-day subject matter of the extreme professions is what most people don’t deal with everyday to earn a living. So on this level, you can say I’m closer to being a sex worker than if I wrote mysteries like Rendell or Simenon.

That being said, I’ve just published Fate of a Stripper, a mainstream psychological suspense novel — not porn — on Kindle that is in the tradition of Rendell or Simenon, because I do try to challenge myself to write things other than erotica. Because I am a writer…a storyteller.

It’s rather brave of you to admit using the services of at least one sex professional. There’s such a stigma to all of it. But the world needs to hear more stories from clients. Tell me, was that the only time you’ve paid for such services? Would you seek them again? Would you refer a friend?

No, I’ve done it quite a few times over the years, the first time being when I was in college around age 20 and the last time when I was about 50. Mostly with dominatrixes because I felt it was safer sex in general and also because I like femdom roleplaying. I’ve written about it in fiction and short autobiographical articles for men’s magazines. It’s been more than a decade now since I last did it, but I think about it from time to time. But it’s just so expensive nowadays! The average online price for a date in NYC is $250 now (at least according to an editorial in the N.Y. Daily News on 11/4/14 entitled The Real Girlfriend Experience, by Harry Siegel).

irv-in-bond-modeI also found, starting in the 1990s, that I preferred the company of strippers. Strippers I could get to know a little in the clubs and the erotic pleasure of lapdances was enough as I got older. I didn’t consider them my “friends” but more like acquaintances I could hang out with and have fun with in a bar. Part of the problem for me with going to “hookers,” as I used to call them and still really do in my mind, is that in spite of the pleasure I would feel ashamed of paying for sex and not being a stud who got hot babes for free. I felt this way a little with strippers too, paying for their companionship in the clubs, but didn’t feel the shame as sharply.

As far as referring sex workers, hookers, dommes, filles de joie, courtesans, call girls or escorts to a friend, I probably wouldn’t do that except in a general way if somebody was really lonely or horny. I might say I had a good time doing it and it’s an option to consider; but I might also talk about the downside and the shame. And I certainly wouldn’t refer a friend to somebody I was seeing. That would just feel weird. Perhaps it’s ridiculous, but I wouldn’t want a friend to have sex with the same girl I was. Not even a D/s scene. I’m possessive that way. I wouldn’t even want my favorite lap dancer to do it for one of my friends.

To be continued… Meanwhile, check out The Irv O. Neil Erotic Library.

Talking Female Dominants & Male Submissives With Author Irv O. Neil

Continuing my talk with Irv O. Neil (part one, part two), we now get to main course of the erotica feasts the author dishes up…

erotica author irv o neil maskMost of your stories feature dominant females ~ and you’re not shy about expressing those fantasies yourself. The terms “Dominant” and “submissive” are rather subjective… Care to provide the types of femdomme that you are talking about?

My femdom stories — all my sex stories for that matter — are erotic adventure stories. Usually, it’s about a guy who finds himself in a wonderfully sexual situation, and we see what happens, how it plays out, and sometimes even what he learns about himself in the process of living out a situation and getting off. My story The Cuckold and the Cleavage is of this latter type that mixes sex and self-understanding.

I’ve also focused on women protagonists, but not nearly as often. However, my non-porn novel Fate of a Stripper goes back and forth between the stripper and her customer, giving them about equal weight in the point-of-view.

the cruel touch-vintage paperbackIn my femdom stories, the men are erotically submissive, meaning they want to be overpowered emotionally, sexually, and sometimes physically by women, given orders by women: sometimes just to serve them, other times to be humiliated or punished too. They want to be the bottoms in the relationship, and do as the women say. But in many of my stories the men are also ambivalent about it, and struggle to accept this part of their nature, or at least understand it. That reflects my own ambivalence. It is full of potentially dramatic conflict for stories, and endlessly interesting to write and think about.

The kind of dominant female I find attractive in real life is a basically kind-hearted woman who likes to role-play being in control over a man, but can treat him as an equal outside the scenes. But in my stories I explore the spectrum of dominant females.

In Learning to be Cruel Parts 1 and 2, the domme really is cruel and destructive and the man takes it; in Toes Are For Sucking, it is something of a game to the woman and the man, which keeps the encounter in the realm of temporary fun with no strings attached and no real destruction wreaked; in She Made Me a Cuckold on Black Friday, the domme is a self-absorbed brat princess who financially drains and sexually humiliates her helpless slave; in Mommy’s Little Dunce the domme is a self-appointed “esoteric therapist” who plays along in a warm but firmly maternal way with the sub’s desire for punishment; in Dominant Chinese Twins Enslave Whiny Man, the twins are almost surreal cartoons of merciless Asian girls, one a stripper, the other a scientist; in Naked Before Her, the domme is a playful but controlling magazine model, probably closest to the type that I personally like; and in The Dominatrix Who Couldn’t Die, she is a supernatural being who reveals a man’s hidden nature to himself at a terrible cost. My ebook anthology Spell of Dominance has five stories, and two from the female dommes’ points-of-view, one as a beginner to D/s, and the other as an experienced “sugarbaby/dominatrix.”

Irv Slave Or FanI’m so glad you mentioned the self-understanding, your own ambivalence, the struggle… Not just in the specific sense of BDSM submission, but in the overall submission to eroticism itself. When I read your book, I was impressed by (and I quote myself) the sense of psychological tension you created. I’ve long been fond of this sort of tasty tease. It’s not merely the notion of the classic Sam & Diane “Will they or won’t they” tension, but tugging at an individual’s struggle, the sense of giving in to lust itself is powerful. You call this “dramatic conflict”, yes? And it’s a staple for a good story, erotic or not. After all these years of writing smut, works that typically end in the same way, how do you continue to find or create such conflict?

Every story potentially presents a different conflict if the characters have enough individuality. Or, if they’re similar types from story to story, they can still say different things and react in different ways. I’m entertained listening to what my characters say. Sometimes they are quite witty or just amusing. I love to write dialogue and see what’s on their minds. Also, there are just so many aspects of human feelings that can be explored through the sexual angle. Sex brings out the spectrum of emotions — and emotions fuel the eroticism to me.

As a writer or even as a person, I’ve never been interested in just naked bodies, but the hearts and minds inside them.

I firmly believe that shows in your writing, Irv. It’s why I’m such a fan.

If you’ve become a fan of Irv O. Neil’s too, you can follow him on Twitter and read his blog, Erotica Is My Trade. The interview continues on Thursday too!

Irv O. Neil On The Glory Days Of Porn (Interview Part Two)

Continuing my talk with author Irv O. Neil ~ this time, we travel back in time…

Tell us one story about working in NYC back in the Golden Era Of Smut!

I enjoyed being at photo shoots, having a hand in the direction and styling of a pictorial. When I worked for Charles Goodman starting in 1983 — he was the publisher of Swank, Stag, Porn Stars, X-Rated Cinema, D-Cup, Cheeks, Leg Action, Girls Over 40, and many other magazines — I got lots of opportunities to do this.

IrvONeil-NoirMode -1980sIn the mid-80s a model named Taija Rae came onto the scene, and one of her first pictorials was for my magazine For Adults Only. We shot it in the bathroom of a very nice apartment in Soho, and Taija was just gorgeous. She had a sweet personality, a girl next door face, and a really sexy body. She also had one of the best voices in the business, a kind of soft yet firm voice that was enchanting.

Anyhow, as the photographer did the shoot, I was almost in a daze from my instant infatuation with Taija. It was one of the first shoots I supervised, so the whole experience was new and overwhelming to me anyway. After the shoot I took a cab uptown with Taija to drop her off at Penn Station, and it was just a pleasure being in the taxi with her for that little while. I never had any relationship with Taija Rae other than a professional one, but I always thought she was one of the best and proud that she made a great appearance in my magazine.

So, I always enjoyed meeting the stars. Back in the days before anyone and his uncle could make a video and put it up online, the actresses (as well as the actors) still had the aura and charisma of movie stars. Like Vanessa Del Rio — larger than life. There is a part of me that always remains a fanboy, so I enjoyed meeting the ladies either in the office or even better, going to lunch or dinner with them.

One time I took the beautiful 80s star Rachel Ashley to a Chinese restaurant I used to frequent in Times Square–I interviewed her over a meal–and she was so drop-dead gorgeous that forever after the waiters at the place treated me with the awe you might give to somebody who’d come in there with Sophia Loren.

So there definitely is an up side to writing smut. ;) What other perks have their been?

Other than free magazines, I got the the pleasure of a fun, interesting job that never got boring, gave me an outlet for creativity, and introduced me to good people, some of whom continue to be my friends.

irv-cool-vintage-girlie-magI smile when you say “fanboy” ~ it’s such a sweet term, and I picture a shy you, rather red-faced, eyes averted, maybe even awkwardly twisting your toe in the sand… Is that how you felt when you working with all these stars and starlets?

No, not all the time… Just with the ones who pressed my personal buttons.

In some ways I am kind of a shy person, particularly around women I find very attractive. But having the attitude of a fanboy–a fan–was important because it always kept me connected to the readers. I was one of the readers myself, and this identification made me good at the work.

The interview with Irv continues on Monday! Meanwhile, download & read one of his ebooks and follow him on Twitter .

Forget 50 Shades, Read About 40 Years ~ In Porn: The Irv O. Neil Interview

Irv O. Neil is a New York-based writer and editor who has been in the porn business since 1974. Yes, that’s him as a mad doctor with a foot fetish in a 1998 Leg Action pictorial with Maya Moore (photos by Warren Tang).

irv in kinky-science-leg-action-magazine

Working for erotic publications, websites, and movies, Irv’s pretty much written everything you can write ~ from fiction stories, fact articles, interviews, and X-rated feature films, to captions for photos, magazine coverlines ~ you name it. I first met Irv via his interview series at Silent Porn Star; since then, I’ve read and reviewed his D/s erotica. Ever since I’ve “met” Irv, I’ve been dying to dish with him ~ and finally the stars aligned!

Irv With Cuppa-JoeCongrats on being a Jack Of All Trades to all sorts of jack-off materials, Irv! In your interview over at Silent Porn Star, you’ve sounded as if at times you’ve been embarrassed by working in smut… Can you explain a bit more about that process of becoming liberated and proud of what you do?

Ironically, for someone who has always craved approval in his life, I picked a trade that guaranteed I would encounter the exact opposite for many years, especially from women under the influence of the anti-porn feminism of the 80s. But after I had a measure of success as a magazine editor; as a screenwriter for many better quality X-rated films and even one R-rated cable erotic thriller; as a prolific short story writer; and as an interviewer of everybody from porn stars to strippers to dominatrixes to directors and pioneer audio erotica producers, I felt I was accepted and respected in my own niche of the entertainment world. And maybe as I got older, I just didn’t worry as much about the opinions of “civilians” (what I call people outside the adult business).

As a professional writer, you’ve obviously had to tackle a lot of subjects, kinks, genres, etc., write with different tones (fiction vs. reporting and the like). Are some more difficult than others? Any tricks for how you tackle such things?

I always have more stress writing articles because I’m so compulsive about facts and getting things right and organized properly. I’ve written many articles but I’m not a natural-born journalist. I prefer fiction, where you can make up stories. I am a natural-born fantasizer, you might say! But no matter what the form, I always try to engage the reader by answering all the questions that a story or an article’s premise brings into the reader’s mind. Similarly, when doing interviews, I always tried to follow up any interesting leads that came up in the course of asking questions, as you are doing here.

As far as subjects or kinks in erotica, I’m pretty open, and can write about anything that I find interesting psychologically, sexually, or personally arousing, but I never write about things that turn me off, like incest stories or stories of sexual violence. Sometimes the dommes in my stories push around their slaves and get a little aggressive, but never excessively.

erotica author irv o neil readingThere’s been a lot of discussion, speculation, and even accusations about the importance of an author’s gender in erotica… Does the author’s gender matter? Did it ever matter?

The only thing that matters, to me, is the strength of the writing. Does the writing evoke a situation in an interesting and stimulating way? Does the writing understand the situation, or the fetish, or the particular passion it’s trying to describe? It’s hard to tell sometimes who wrote a story, a man or a woman. As for myself, I’ve written stories both from the points of view of men and women, as well as in the third person “authorial” voice looking at everybody in an omniscient way.

That’s all well and good, sort of a utopian how-it-should be, but… In terms of selling yourself as an author, there’s long been a tradition of men having the upper hand in publishing as a general rule (or a Good Old Boys rule, anyway), including book covers. And recently, there’s been all sorts of discussion, studies and data about gender in publishing. Including talk on the flip side, about how gender perceptions have led to male erotica authors taking female pen names in order to get gigs. Have you ever experienced any of this? And, as your first comment indicates, do you think that the fact that you haven’t has something to do with the fact that you were lucky enough to be a man who got enough experience under his belt, has a solid resume, that such things no longer matter?

Well, I can’t speak about mainstream publishing, but I’ve known a good number of women in the porn magazine business, writers, editors, photographers. They all seemed to have plenty of work back in the day. Maybe porn was less discriminatory against literary women, I don’t know. Would I pretend to be a woman nowadays to get work writing erotica? No, I wouldn’t want to get into that kind of subterfuge…although if somebody offered me money to write under the guise of, say, Miss Phoebe Littleclit, who knows?

But I can and do sometimes write stories under female pseudonyms, like sexy college girl stories, because the stories are supposed to be from a feminine point of view, but the editors (both male and female) know I’m writing it. Actually, I’m quite good at writing from the viewpoint of eighteen year old girls, and those are some of the best stories I write nowadays. They have a very sexy, light touch. Unfortunately I can’t tell you where they are published or the names they’re written under, because they’re supposed to be written by lascivious young lasses…such as Phoebe Littleclit. Which is not a name I actually use! ;)

learning to be cruel coverHow often do you write/publish your own ebooks?

There’s no regular schedule. Initially I thought I’d publish one a month, but it just didn’t work out that way due to my writing commitments for websites. I write for six websites weekly, at ddfnetwork.com as well for a few other clients. Meanwhile, I have ten femdom ebooks up at Amazon — hopefully soon on the Smashwords self-publishing platform as well — and as I mentioned earlier, I just put up the non-porn novel, Fate Of A Stripper, which closely examines the relationship between a dancer and her customer and which I consider some of my best writing ever.

I’ve downloaded Fate Of A Stripper, but have not had time to read it. (Review yet to come!)

What do you think you’ve learned the most about yourself from all your years of working in porn?

That in my mind I’m a total kinkster, open to and understanding of almost everything sexual and legal between consenting adults; but in real life I am a bit reserved and wary and cautious. It’s the paradox that fuels my fiction writing, in fact. Feeling slutty but also buttoned-up.

Smut Erotia Author Irv O Neil FedoraI also learned from editing magazines that I am a good manager: planning issues, overseeing budgets, writers, photographers, and models; meeting deadlines and delivering the goods. I edited adult magazines for 28 years. I take great pride in being professional.

And finally, as a writer, I learned that I could effectively express myself through a genre that was and still continues to be disdained by the average person. For all the media hype around things like 50 Shades of Gray, the “civilians” don’t consider porn a very important or respectable genre to which to devote one’s work life. And people only really respected 50 Shades because it made so much goddamn money. I think average citizens are in awe of porn folk who make the money usually doled out to celebrities who don’t do sexual things for a living.

Part two of my interview with the charming Irv O. Neil will be posted on Friday night. Until then, you can keep up with all things Irv at his blog and on Twitter @irvoneil.

Hot Flash Fiction Friday: The Office Milk Maid

milky tit squirt I stood nervously behind the closed doors of the moving elevator that went straight to the executive suites. I was late. I knew it. And more importantly, I knew he knew it.

Once the silver doors opened, I dashed across the marble foyer to the locked glass lobby doors — my high heels click-clacking my arrival, echoing in the empty place. At the security doors I slid my security card through the slot. The security green light came on, it’s accompanying “beep” seemed ridiculously loud, and I was admitted. I scampered as quickly as I could across the carpeted floor, smoothing my skirt and my hair as I went — no need to look disheveled upon my arrival and meet with even more disapproval.

Upon arrival at this office door, I paused and took a deep breath before knocking on the door.

“Enter,” came the deep stern male response.

I entered the room, silently shutting the door behind myself, and approached the front of his desk.

He rose to his feet and hooked his finger, calling me over to him. I did as he bade and strode to stand in front of him, keeping my eyes downcast the whole time.

He cupped his hand beneath my chin and made me look at him. His expression matched the serious tone of his voice. I trembled a bit but did my best to meet his gaze even after he released my chin.

“I hired you for one reason — and one reason only: to service the executives,” he said in a stern tone. “Nearly everyone takes cream in their coffee, and you will provide it. Fresh, and on the spot, on time, every morning. And whenever else they ask for it.”

He reached over and using just one finger expertly flipped open the buttons on my blouse. “Now serve me that cup of coffee. And then we will discuss your punishment for being late today.”

Flash fiction by Color Me Pinkie of Pinkie & Blackie.

Image Credits: via Herzog vintage & retro porn.

Hot Flash Fiction Friday: The Bridesmaid

the bridesmaidNancy volunteered to clean up after the reception and she picked Greg as her helper. After the last guest, Nancy turned to Greg and said, “Before we start, I need to get out of this dress and I’m sure you don’t want to get your tux dirty. Come with me.”

Nancy began to unbutton Greg’s shirt. Confused, Greg resisted as Nancy turned and pulled her golden hair over to one shoulder. “Do you mind?” she said.

Greg knew she wanted him to undress her and when he felt Nancy’s firm grip on his cock and balls he knew she needed to get fucked.

Image credits: Luba V Nel

nina long Erotica by Nina Long, a seasoned phone sex operator and blogger coming from a diverse cultural background. Originating from New York City New York, Nina prides herself on having been exposed to many facets of the adult industry. She is happy to have found her passion in erotica. Her personal interests include, erotic hypnosis, voyeurism and exploring sexual fetishes.

A Look Inside A Phone Sex Hobbyist’s Mind

When phone sex operator come phone sex consultant Lynn met Tom, a man with some pretty strong phone sex calling habits (he has over 500 phone sex operators in his list of favorites alone!), she dubbed him “Tom Cat”. Not long after that, she decided to put Tom Cat to some good use by giving him a phone sex review website called Tom Cat’s Phone Sex Reviews.

tom-cats-phone-sex-reviewsAs a former escort, I’ve long been familiar with hobbyists (or punters, as they are called in the UK), but I guess I never thought about the notion of phone sex hobbyists… This was my chance to meet one. Here’s my interview with Tom Cat.

Hi, Tom Cat, and welcome to Sex Kitten! Lynn has shared some information about you, and I’ve read the “about” at your site. And I gather you’ve read our previous phone sex discussions (part one, part two, part three). Do you have any comments to add to those discussions? Anything you want to make sure we know about you & your phone sex habits?

I guess the thing that I’d like to reinforce, that I also stated in the bio of my reviews, is that I consider my phone sex habits to be pretty vanilla, with a bent towards the curious. I see all these profiles that emphasize “no taboo”. I don’t see myself looking for those unusual, kinky things. I’m just looking to act out things that I typically WOULD do in real life.

In the previous interview/article that you did, the guys talked about imagining demons, animals, hybrids, etc. None of that for me. They fantasized about nuns in churches, etc. None of that for me. You might call my phone sex habits to be of the Penthouse Forum variety.

The transformations, where one or both participants undergo physical, emotional and sex drive changes due to some trigger (potion, spoken phrase, physical item, natural phenomenon (asteroid, lightening, chemical spill, etc.), is probably my only “unnatural fantasy”. But I’ve found websites (breastexpansionstorys, deviantart, etc) that reassure me that I am not alone, lol!

tom cat-phone-sex-masturbating-five-stars-300Do you also partake of other sex services, such as cam girls, escorts, etc?

As far as other services, I have used cam, escorts and strip clubs.

Is phone sex your primary sex service or adult entertainment service?

Phone sex is primary, strip clubs would be second. I haven’t used an escort services in nearly 5 years, but I’m on the fringe of one, using the “dating” website WhatsYourPrice.com. Since I’m paying money for the dates, I lump it into this same “entertainment” budget group.

You’ve mentioned that you feel you are addicted ~ do you mean to phone sex or sex in general or?

I’d have to say the addiction is to the phone sex and services….things that cost money. I just don’t exhibit self control to stop within a budget. I really don’t engage in much actual sex, and my masturbation rate varies from 3-10 times a week. Don’t have much to compare to, but I know I haven’t FUCKED anybody in roughly 15 years…

Why do you use phone sex?

Why I use phone sex feels more complicated to me than the answers that I read in your other article. I felt that theme was the men (and women) saying that it was a natural, useful outlet to meet sexual needs when partners are unavailable (physically or emotionally). For me, it fills more of a void, and in some ways, it’s an unhealthy void. I may not feel that way if I was able to limit myself to a few PSOs. I consider it to be an addiction for me and members of my family would agree, lol!

One of the points that IS emphasized by your previous panel is the importance of setting a budget. I’m not very good at that. I live an almost paycheck to paycheck existence because of my desire to talk to “attractive” women on the phone.

phone sex flirt girl next door kaylaHow many PSOs do you call a week?

How many PSOs I call kind of depends on how “active” I am. I go through periods of HIGH activity (15 calls per week to 4-12 PSOs) to a lull of no PSO calls for 4-6 weeks (or longer) if I “tighten the budget”.

What are some of the specific fantasies you look for in phone entertainment?

I mentioned my transformation fantasy. I really use my calls for one or more of three purposes:

Strictly socializing, talking about our real lives. Engaging in role play sex, which includes the transformations role plays. And straight descriptive mutual masturbation, which would include the mutual intoxication.

And, as much as I agree with the previous panel that fulfilling the man’s needs is the ultimate purpose of a phone sex call, I myself am less satisfied and fulfilled if the woman hasn’t cum. It may or may not be real, but that’s my ultimate pleasure.

In looking at your reviews, it definitely seems you have a type! Busty & blonde! How important are such physical characteristics for you in terms of a phone sex call?

How important are the physical characteristics in terms of phone sex? That’s a really great question. In part, because I understand the fantasy part of phone sex. The person that I’m speaking with may or may NOT actually look like the pictures on the profile. That said, I still can’t get past the psychological hurdle that I like what I like and I want to fantasize about attractive, buxom women (the blonde isn’t as important to me, but most of the profiles DO seem to skew that way, don’t they, lol).

At the same time, once I’ve MADE a call, if the PSO is engaging, funny, a good conversationalist, I’ll call even if the appearance ISN’T in line with “my usual”. I have had short “flings” with some BBW that I found delightful to talk to and there’s currently a “smaller chested” PSO on Niteflirt that I love flirting with over the phone…haven’t even gone any further into the sexual aspect than that.

So, to try and summarize, the physical image is what attracts me to make the initial calls, but I also keep my eyes open for other characteristics that appeal to me and entertain me.

cum slut pso barbiewildHow difficult is it for you to continue to find busty & blonde PSOs?

Busty blonde or otherwise, there never seems to be a drought of new girls joining Niteflirt and Secondhand Rose has introduced me to MyPhoneSite, so I’m exploring there as well. Finding more never seems to be a problem.

You mention the lull period is 4 – 6 weeks; I have a few questions about that… When you abstain from phone sex, do you also cease other sex services? How long are the periods where you using phone sex (or sex services)?

My lulls are primarily financially driven. I over extend myself and have to “tighten the belt” to rebuild the reserves. So it is all sex services that come at a cost. And in all honesty, there’s also some morality involved, a feeling of “this is not the right way to have relationships with women”, “You know better than this”, “What would/will your parents/kids/friends/coworkers say about this behavior”. That also contributes to the lull.

The activity itself kinda lasts as long as the money holds out. This most recent period has lasted around 8 months.

phone sex dominance with mistress candiceSince you are so into specific looks, do you also belong to paysites, have a large video collection?

Interestingly, I do not belong to pay sites. The videos, while satisfying the visual stimulation, don’t fulfill the conversational, intellectual or pseudo-relational needs that I find addressed with the more “real-time” in person sex services. I think this is fairly consistent with the initial articles that you did.

Why have you started the review site?

I guess trying to feel better about myself by giving back to people. To the PSOs by trying to help them generate incremental business, to other customers by directing them to more quality services and to fill a need that Lynn felt was lacking.

Does doing the reviews help during the “lulls”, or is it more of a trigger?

Well, we’ll have to see, lol, since the reviews are relatively new and I’m just hitting the first “lull” since starting the reviews. My initial feeling is that it’s a bit of a trigger, in that it makes me long for the connection and relationships with the PSOs that I call most often.

sexy jc glamour girl on cam and phone sexHow important are reviews (or feedback and ratings) to you when you look for phone sex services?

Reviews are important to me. As I’ve mentioned before, I know that not all the pictures are legit, so I want to know if the person can carry on a good conversation. I look for issues in the feedback like, “not very responsive”, “only wanted things her way” , “didn’t seem that into it”.

What are the biggest problems you find in terms of looking for quality phone sex services?

Hmmm, biggest problem. Outside of the cost (I know how I would spend money if I won the lottery, lol!), the only other thing that I can think of is the availability of the PSO that you enjoy using the most. They may or may not have a regular online schedule. You may not have made a specific “plan” for catching up again.

Beyond that, the hit and miss of talking to someone to see if there’s a fit, some chemistry. That may be a burden to some, but it’s a part that I enjoy.

And maybe that’s why I’m doing the reviews. Trying to help others avoid the initial “difficult” situation of sifting through several calls to find the phone sex operator(s) they want.

Thanks, Tom Cat, for sharing with us.

Images of PSOs here are of some of Tom Cat’s 4 Star and 5 Star phone sex operators (in order shown): Naughty Kayla (review here), Barbie Wild (review here), Mistress Candace (review here) and Sexy JC (review here).