John Holmes As You’ve (Likely) Never Seen Him Before

John Holmes, clothed, yet still displaying his other erotic appendage ~ his tongue! This photo is from Snap Annual (consisting of issues from December 1970, January and February 1971), published by Jaybird Enterprises.

Speaking of Holmes as you’ve never seen him before… Did you know that Larry Flynt has discovered two never-released features starring the legendary porn star? The two featured films, Balls in Action and The Doctor Is In, are the first feature work by John Holmes which were filmed yet never released because the director was making a “career change” at the time. Hustler plans to remastered & release the long lost footage in early 2016.

John Holmes uses his tongue

Inside Every Man There’s An Inner Cross Dresser

Look, the mail has arrived and it’s for the male of the house!

The cover of the box reads “Clothes That Make a Man” ~ let’s look inside…

Clothes That Make a Man

Oh, look! A pretty sketch of a pinup gal wearing a bra and panties! (While I am dying to look beneath the lingerie, we aren’t given any clues… My best guess is that we’ve already seen as much of our pinup girl as we are ever going to.)

vintage Clothes That Make a Man novelty gag humor gift

For me, this is just the epitome of a crossdresser: Dandy suit on the outside, feminine attire beneath.

But, sorry, my CD friends; that probably wasn’t the intended message with this vintage novelty or gag gift.

In fact, this was likely intended to connote the opposite: men become real men when they see a lady in her underthings. Insert manly grunts here. Unless, of course, the real gag was that you weren’t man enough to handle a woman because you were a foppish man who cared more about his dandy appearance. Then insert guffaws and hearty back-slaps here.

Copyright 1948, H. Fishlove & Co. of Chicago. Given the date, this would have been made under the auspicious eye of “Chicago gag kingpin” Irving Fishlove, who was the son of the company’s founder.

And, hey, it only cost 3 cents to mail that thing back in the 1940s or 1950s. …Ah, but having some fun at the expense of a friend via gender norms, that’s priceless.

1948 vintage h fishlove and company

mail a box for 3 pennies

Back When Smoking Was Way More Acceptable Than Smut…

This rather unassuming pack of “Mild” cigarettes was anything but mild back in the day, it was pretty wild!

vintage mild cigarette pack viewer

For the man’s man who was on the go and still needed to enjoy a peepshow, this portable little plastic box was merely designed to look like the average Joe’s pack of cigs. In reality, it operates much like the Fisher Price camera you likely had as a kid ~ only instead of seeing a trip to the zoo, you get a whole other sort of education by peeping at “art studies” of “Hollywood’s most glamorous art models” which are ~ you guessed it ~ nudes.

vintage hollywood glamour art model peepshow nudes

This particular portable pack of vintage porn is Series 1. Appropriately, you were to ask your dealer for more.

get more from your dealer

Sunday Funnies: Marriage Bed Up In Smoke Edition

A young bride turns the tables on her snake-charming husband when his limp cock won’t rise to the occasion on this vintage ashtray. From 1954 this vintage ash tray comes complete with a little flute to jokingly raise the dead dick. Other than ignorant racism, I cannot account for the exclamation of, “Fakir!”

vintage snake chamer ashtray

Sunday Funnies: Ring A Ding Ding It’s Time To Swing! Edition

Straight out of the swinging 60s, a pair of Bedtime Bells that announce “Ring A Ding Ding It’s Time To Swing!”

ring a ding time to swing vintage 60s

The seller’s details:

“Ring When Ready!” It pictures a frisky couple on the face (although timid by today’s standards, it was considered naughty back in the day). Cardboard construction with two copper bells. Overall very good condition w/ some edge/corner wear. Vibrant colors remain. Each copper bell reads “Come and get it!” Noted “© 1968 A.Freed Novelty Inc. N.Y.C., 1968 – Printed in the U.S.A.” It measures approximately 7-1/4” across and 7-1/2” high. It has an easel back which allows it to stand. If you’re into the lifestyle, this might be a great gift for the host of your next get-together!

I’m not convinced this vintage novelty is about swinging or partner swapping as much as it is one of those “come and get it” sort of jokes regarding dinner bells. Or simply something you were to put on your bedpost so that the bells can ring when you do it. Kind of like an audio version of the old joke about putting beans in the pot or pennies in a jar every time you have sex as newlyweds or whatever. After all, there’s only one couple shown. But, as with most things sexual (or in life), you take it how you wish.

PS In case you think your eyes may be fooling you, yes, the man’s bell is bigger. Because men need that sort of ego stroking at all times, you know.

bedtime bells

Sunday Funnies: Vintage Shower, For Women Only Edition

A Shower Set For Women Only, open up the old box and voila! a bright yellow sponge and matching banana-shaped soap. Ah, the old banana gag! …Well, don’t use it as a gag ~ unless you’ve dirty mouth that needs some washing out. That would likely be safer than inserting the banana soap anywhere else. Vintage novelty gag gift available at Etsy.

vintage Shower Set For Women Only

vintage novelty banana soap shower set gag gift

Saucy Saturday: Saturday Morning Filmation Lust Edition

Are you old enough to remember the classic live-action Saturday morning Filmation Associates television shows? If so, you no doubt recall the lovely JoAnna Cameron of The Secrets Of Isis. What an icon of female power ~ and lust! Now you can, as Storybook Whorehouse says, “get this vintage comic & stay up late at night reading with a flashlight under the covers — and wanking with a Fleshlight.”

vintage isis comic

Of course, ladies lusted after Isis too… So consider this a great Halloween or cosplay idea ~ and feel free to use the sex toy of your choice. *wink*

Via Storybook Whorehouse who has lots of other Saturday Morning Cartoon Porn.

See also: The Secret of Isis: JoAnna Cameron.

JoAnna Cameron as Isis vintage retro graphic novel comic

Billion Dollar Babies Flashback

I’m not a super duper Alice Cooper fan, but every time I hear Billion Dollar Babies, a big old grin spreads across my face… Thankfully, today’s sex dolls are better now. They aren’t slicker than a weasel (unless that’s a good thing?) and their heads do, generally, stay on. But like Alice said, they are worth far more.

Billion dollar baby
Rubber little lady, slicker than a weasel
Grimy as an alley
Loves me like no other lover
Billion dollar baby
Rubber little monster, baby, I adore you
Man or woman living couldn’t love me like you, baby

We go dancing nightly in the attic
While the moon is rising in the sky
If I’m too rough, tell me
I’m so scared your little head will come off in my hands

Billion dollar baby
I got you in the dime store
No other little girl could ever hold you
Any tighter, any tighter than me, bay
Billion dollar baby
Reckless like a gambler, million dollar maybe
Foaming like a dog that’s been infected by the rabies

We go dancing nightly in the attic
While the moon is rising the sky
If I’m too rough, tell me
I’m so scared your little head will come off in my hands
Million dollar baby
Billion dollar bay
Trillion dollar baby
Zillion dollar baby