Onaholes: The More The Merrier?

Hey, Hannah Smothers & Cosmo, if you think that the 3fap three-hole masturbation toy for men is confusing and upsetting, well, you must have missed this Fucking Ageist Cantaloupe Sex Toy from six years ago.

While the 3fap offers three holes (mouth, vagina, & ass) the Wet Sucker Setsugekka Orgy Onahole suggests an orgy of one man with at least three different women who each will wait their turns… There are three pussy onaholes, each representing three a woman of a different age, and one, apparently ageless, asshole.

The Setsugekka predates the 3fap by six years.

See Also: What’s an onahole?

Sunday Funnies: Vintage Cocktail Napkin Edition

“Fifty Nifties” is a vintage set of are paper cocktail napkins, made by Miles Kimball Creations of Oshkosh, WI. Dubbed “50” for the count of the napkins, they likely come from the 1950s (or other Mid-Century decade).

Being a Slightly injudicious Collection of Fifty Excellent and Colorful Paper Linen Cocktail Napkins, Each with Its Own Gay Illustration and Deliciously Spicy Bon Mot. Definitely a Must for Your Next At-Home, Bridge, Clam-Bake or Other Rumpus-Room Goings-On.

50 nifties vintage risque cocktail napkins

According to the seller, only 24 of the vintage risque napkins remain ~ and they contain some real beauts. We’ve copied a few of them below. Warning: Sexism, ageism, and the like. Via.

“A woman is as old as she looks. A man is not old until he stops looking.”

“She’s the cream in his coffee as long as he has plenty of sugar.”

“She has a figure like an hour glass and makes every minute count.”

“She’s just a bowlegged cow-girl who couldn’t keep her calves together.”

“Virgin Wool comes the sheep that runs fastest.”

“He’s the butcher who backed into the slicing machine and got behind in his orders.”

“From 28 to 30 are the best 10 years in a woman’s life.”

vintage ageism sexism bar napkins

vintage hour glass and can't keep her calves together jokes

My Doctor Told Me I’ll Be Done Having Sex In Thirteen Years. WTF??

A few months ago, during my annual well woman visit, my gynecologist asked me if I was sexually active. I told her I was, and yes, I wanted a routine STD check. And then she informed me that I woul…

Source: asexywomanofacertainage.com

If the doctor is correct, why is there so much sex ~ and STDs ~ in senior centers?

With much love & respect for women who do desire less sex in their “senior” years, it’s not a rule.

See on Scoop.itLet’s Get Sex Positive

“I Don’t Know How Much Longer I Can Turn The Trick”

turn the trick

not enough to be soft

be soft attractive

i'm fading now

I don’t know how much longer I can turn the trick. It isn’t enough to be soft. You’ve got to be soft – and attractive. And I – I’m fading now.

Vivien Leigh as Blanche DuBois in A Streetcar Named Desire (1951). It remains one of the greatest films of all time.

Breaking Age Barriers: “Sexy Has No Expiration Date” | Kinsey Confidential

See on Scoop.itLet’s Get Sex Positive

Many companies are currently using models over the age of 50 to sell their products. Is society becoming more accepting of senior sexuality?

Gracie Passette‘s insight:

More from #AdultSexEdMonth

See on kinseyconfidential.org

Jay & Silent Bob Get Old; Remain Awesome

Jay & Silent Bob Get Old

On Tuesday, I went with some friends to see Jay & Silent Bob Get Old. No, it’s not a movie; it’s a two-man show during which Jason Mewes and Kevin Smith basically shoot-the-shit.

While the show is considered a sort of therapy to keep Mewes sober (that night marked the 708th day ~ congrats!), it’s far more entertaining than that might sound. Smith is a more polished story-teller, but Mewes is, well, Mewes ~ confessing and acting-out charmingly erratic, often dirty, stories.

During this show, the stories began with Mewes admitting that he owed his wife sex because his addictive ADD brain thought he could let her start the soapy bath while he ran to WalMart for a boxed set of Jessica Fletcher Murder, She Wrote DVDs. Of course he ended up with no boxed set. And no box. But he did get some slippers, have a run-in with helpful police, find his lost cellphone, and make us all laugh.

Maybe there was no sex to be had in that story, but it was one of the few sex-free stories.

Most of the two-plus-hour show was all about sex, cocks, and trying to get sex for your cock.

Fleshlight Fleshjack

What fascinated me most was all the talk about Fleshlight masturbation. Sure, Fleshlight is the official sponsor of Kevin Smith’s Smodcast, but don’t be so jaded! Let this former whore tell you, just because you get paid for something, it doesn’t mean you get off ~ and it’s pretty clear from Smith’s talk, he gets off on the Fleshlight.


The multiple-times-in-the-same-masturbation-session kind of often.

Normally, Smith is sort of self-effacing about his sex life; but he virtually brags about how the Fleshlight trained him to have multiple orgasms of his own, pleasantly surprising his wife too. *wink*

All of this might seem rather normal to you sex kittens, but when the conversation steered towards cleaning the male masturbator toy ~ and damn-near became a monologue, even ~ I was riveted. No, spunk’s not my sort of kink. But hearing grown men discussing what’s usually so disgusting to themselves in a practical and appreciative yet humorous manner was irresistibly fresh and entertaining.  Hearing Mewes profess his own lust for the Fleshlight Fleshjacks which are Realistic Superskin formed male assholes wrapped in cans which look amazingly like the cans of Red Bull Mewes was downing right on stage was amazing.

But enough about the Fleshlights.

From there, somehow, we ended up talking a bit about Mewes’ struggle with drugs and addition addiction. It was enlightening and entertaining, and, if you have friends or family who struggle with these issues as I do, quite beautifully inspiring. Perhaps laughter is the best medicine, humor the best healer. I hope so.

After that, an astoundingly hilarious story of Mewes’ early days of awkward sex. Not just any sex; but the story of clumsy, painful, yet astonishingly hot, cock sucking.

Let Us Fuck!

I hate to say things like this, but you totally have to be there to enjoy the stories. It’s not even right for me to try to sum them all up, really. Primarily I’m doing it so that you understand how dirty this show is; not something you want to bring the tweens and teens to. No matter how much they love the movies. The live show is much more raw. And in a way, that’s what makes it better.

We’re old enough now not to have to pretend anymore.

Like any hot chick or stud growing old, we know aging can be a bitch. But we have our stories, some of which are only from the night before, yo! And we love to tell them. That’s nearly as much fun as living them.  When our heroes, Smith and Mewes, tell their stories, it’s just proof that we may be “old,” be we are still kickin’ it, still pluggin’ away with the sex toys, still doing stupid shit, still helping our friends… We don’t only enjoy our old “glory days” ~ we’re still making them.

If “older” has made us “wiser,” the one thing we do know is that we’ll still be trying to get laid, still be doing stupid shit, still be doing stupid shit to get laid.

Now back to the stupid shit and getting laid.

The night ended, as any hot date should, with the final act: three rounds of Let Us Fuck.

If you aren’t familiar with Let Us Fuck, it’s an improv skit in which Smith provides the name of a made-up sex act and a member of the audience collaborates with Mewes to define and simulate what that sex act is.

In a presumable nod to continued male bonding, and attempts to avoid lewd & lascivious charges, only dudes get to to play Let Us Fuck.

“Bummer,” says this sex kitten and former escort who would gladly pay for the chance.

If Jay & Silent Bob Get Old comes to your town, get there to see it. Meanwhile, you can catch episodes of Jay & Silent Bob Get Old, along with a host of other randy shows, at SModcast Internet Radio, or S.I.R.! Check it out; you won’t be sorry.

Meanwhile, I myself am thinking of getting back into radio…

Fucking Cantaloupes & Ageist Male Sex Toys

When I spotted the sex cantaloupe I was intrigued…

Are the multiple holes so that groups of boys can share one masturbator? Like a gang-bang sex toy?

I had to find out more.

So I used TinEye to find out where this product was sold. (Not as easy as I would have liked, but given this sex toy’s location and name of “Wet suction cup Setsugetsuka”, I never would have found it otherwise ~ thanks, Silent Porn Star, for the tip!)

But once I found it, my feelings of intrigue quickly changed to ire.

Here’s the English product description:

Large-sized Masturbator with a strange body which is likely to come out even in monster RPG.

There are vagina of Teenager, the twenties, and the thirties in one body, plus an anal hole is in the center section.

It is the description of a product of the surprise which has a total of four holes and makes all stimulation experience at once.

Any hole is a non-dimension type.

It is accurately made from the user viewpoint in the hole of a respectively different concept.

Because the hole of four types can be enjoyed by this one piece, even though it seems to be profitable, if it thinks calmly, it is almost the same as the total amount which purchased four masturbators.

Even though different usage from till now can be done or it can be said to be the only one product which fills a maniac disposition person, because four holes are collected,

It may be important for these goods before being pleasant, how to handle these goods well.

There are odd translation issues, such as “if it thinks calmly” ~ as if Gollum wrote this, My Precious! But I think we all can agree that the descriptive review of the multiple holes clarifies this masturbating sex toy for men: there are three different pussy slots to represent three different ages of women and one apparently ageless asshole.

The numbers on the product images confirm this.

Yeah, the idea of a specifically designated “Teenager” hole is incredibly disturbing. Especially since the next age or stage is “the twenties”; I doubt they created a sex toy pussy hole for two legal years.

International legal issues (coughing the word “pedophile” here) and cultural differences aside, I now continue on to the general principal of a male masturbation toy based on the ages of a woman’s vagina. In other words, the rant really begins now.

The entire purpose of this toy is to give men the option to select their hole based on age ~ and the presumptions therein that a younger “teen” pussy is tighter than that of a 20-something. (A 20-something with some sort of warts?) That the pussy of a 20-something is snugger than that of a 30-something. (A 30-something with some sort of texturized stripes in her pussy?)  And that pussies older than that are just too loose to even consider fucking.

This sex toy is ageist.

I get that men want a tight fit ~ real pussies and plastic ones (there’s nothing stating what this toy is made from). “Tight” is probably even more important with a masturbator because you’re missing all the good stuff with a partner, even if it is a realistic masturbator. But is age really the best way to sell this toy?

If the whole point is that this sex toy for men offers the “user viewpoint in the hole of a respectively different concept,” why not use Tight, Tighter, and Tightest? That’s more accurate than ages. (Yes, there are sad biological facts of aging, but hasn’t anyone asked, does SizeGenetics work? and  Kegels, health, sexual experience all have roles to play in pussy snugness too, you know)

A huge part of masturbation is erotic fantasy. I accept that as fact. But this is just beyond creepy. Don’t tell me this age labeling of pussy holes is all about “keeping the fantasy alive” ~ the dude is fucking some round thing with three slit-holes, a round anus, and no other human features. A cantaloupe. With holes already in it. How’d they get there? Who knows; let’s fuck it! At least that’s what I think “fills a maniac disposition person, because four holes are collected” means.

But what do I know? I’m just an old & un-fuckable 46 year old woman *snort* I don’t even know what a “non-dimension type” hole is.

…I’m betting I don’t have one.

At least not anymore.

But according to the one-age-fits-all anus, I’m guessing my asshole is ageless. No matter now many times I’ve taken it up the ass. Or what I’ve put in there.


You don’t see women buying or even making sex toys based on age.  We certainly wouldn’t want a “teen” dildo, or a 20-something vibe. Even those of us with daddy complexes don’t want sex toys with old man balls. No, we’re not going to make sex toys for women based on ages of men. Not only because it would lead to the “Eeeiiiwww” inciting conversations about at just what age does male junk start to get too wrinkly, but no woman wants a sex toy that is a selfish lover, fumbles around ineptly, or ~ heaven forbid! ~ prematurely ejaculates. We want it big and hard, ready to go when we are. And built to last. We’ll leave any personal characteristics to our imaginations. And we may change those details, such as age, frequently. Who knows?

So, yeah, women are not going to be ageist about our sex toys. I don’t think men should do it either.

And if you are gonna be sexist, ageist pigs, don’t call one hole the “teenage” hole. It’s completely wrong.

The Wet suction cup Setsugetsuka: “It may be important for these goods before being pleasant, how to handle these goods well.”

Cost: $142.78 (US dollars)
And like a billion more creepy points.

UPDATE! While this funky sex toy is listed as discontinued in many places, it can still be purchased here — under the name Wet Sucker Setsugekka Orgy Onahole ~ the “3 girl foursome masturbator.”