Of The Singles Sex Survey & My Fashion Preditions

The 7th annual Singles in America survey is out. Among the top findings: 34% of singles have had sex before a first date, but Millennials are 48% more likely to have sex before a first date than all other generations of singles.

Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and chief science adviser for Match (who funds the study), says this is because Millennials are “career focused”.

“I think they are very career oriented, so sex before the first date could be a sex interview, where they want to know if they want to spend time with this person.”

You read that right; sex before the first date could be some sort of screening process in which you try out the position(s) before you can get to the first round of actual relationship interviews.

If you think this is a more cosmopolitan “milk for free” proposition that you need to wrap your head about, just accept it as causal sex or even hook-up culture.

[If you really want to delve into this, check out Lisa Wade’s American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus, available on the 15th; a Huff-Po‘s coverage here.]

At Unicorn Booty, certified sex therapist Kimberly Resnick Anderson makes this comment:

“It’s sort of a mixed message because on one hand people judge potential sexual partners based on social media posts, but then they also want them to put (their phones) down,” Anderson says. “It’s kind of a love-hate relationship.”

I’ll help you out, Anderson. It’s not a love-hate thing; it’s a matter of priorities and attention. Who the hell wants to be on a date with a person who is more interested in their phones?

Answer: No one.

Relationships require attention and care.

My favorite finding from the survey? A cracked or otherwise shabby cell phone is a similar to the ripped dungarees of earlier generations, showing a level of slovenly poverty that turns folks off. Ripped jeans were once a sign of lack of care ~ great grandma would wrinkle her nose at the notion of ripped jeans as a fashion statement. If you cared about yourself and who you were with when you wore them, you’d mend those! And so it is with today’s thoughts on mobile phones.

But now ripped jeans are considered sexy. We changed:

Ever since the acid-wash-80’s, when as a culture we abandoned physical labor and the look of hard work and a rugged sense of poverty was seen as anti-establishment, holes in your jeans have been cool.

So, I can’t help but wonder when the signs of tattered phones will be de rigueur with rebellion and giving a finger to The Man…

Prepare yourself for the ability to pay ~ and pay extra! ~ for shabby looking cellphones, so that we can all look like we’re too cool to care about the damages our rock n roll lifestyles do to our phones.

Of course, when we buy them so distressed, it will be strategic cracks and fractures that won’t affect the ability of the phone or gadget to work; they’ll just look like we don’t care. And that’s so sexy!

Oh, come on, we’re all so bougie and you know it.

Image Credits: Couple wearing ripped jeans; Wiberlux Philipp Plein Seventy Eight Metal Detail Destroyed Denim Jeans.

When That Date’s Not Going Well… Tips From Sex Workers

sex-worker-q-and-a-at-sk

Since sex workers are real pros when it comes to dating, turning first & blind dates into repeat customers, we’ve been asking them to share their best dating tips. We began with dating safety tips, covered making a good first impression, dished on dealing with dating jitters, exposed the secrets of how to get and keep those conversations going, addressed dealing with dating mistakes, and now we’re talking about what to do when that date is, well, a dog.

Let’s say the date is absolutely not going well for you; how do you handle it?

“Alice” (an anonymous sex worker with 17 years experience in erotic services, seven of them as a sex worker rights activist):

There are simply too many enjoyable people out there to waste time trying to enjoy someone you can’t.

I assess: Is this going poorly because we are in a place I don’t like, or is this person really the problem, or am I just not in the mood for this right now?

If the date is really just not compatible with me, I decide how gracefully I want to exit, and then I do it. Then I listen to loud music and tell myself I did the right thing, even if it was socially very scary for me. Ending a date early seems really hard, until you’ve done it, and realize how much better you can feel, and how quickly!

Angela St. Lawrence (erotic fetish phone sex operator):

If the guy’s a dick, I have no problem telling him so and leaving. But if he’s just boring or awkward, or there’s no chemistry, I’ll usually stick it out. Things could actually change during the course of the date, and if not, I’ve at least spared his feelings.

Addy Finch (an escort specializing in transgender/transsexual companionship):

First off, never hard schedule a time that you’re going to meet someone until; always leave yourself the option of going home early. This means not going to plays or movies or concerts. Again, transport yourself to your date.

Wrap up whatever you’re doing, finish your drink, or have your food boxed up. Let your date know that you have an engagement you need to get to and that you need to leave shortly. I normally check a clock with an, “Oh, gosh, that was quick. I’m supposed to meet up with a friend who’s in town.”

Whatever your excuse is, don’t allow for wiggle room on staying a little later. If they ask about getting together again, I tend to be courteous and let them know I’ll be in touch when my schedule’s clear. Unfortunately for them, there will always be something, even time alone, that’s more important.

Holly (an independent escort, sometimes brothel worker):

I always give myself an out… So I might go meet them at a bar, because I’m driving I can only have 2 drinks and then I have to go. If the date is bad, I will have the 2 drinks and then leave, thanking for the nice and time and tell them I will be in touch!

Claire Keeler (full service independent sex worker & award winning, published photographer working on a photographic essay called Whoretography):

Name the game and just say it the way that it is, “Look this is not going well,” a polite smile and exit stage left.

DiQld (a BBW MILF escort):

Thank them for a nice evening and wish them well in the future.

Kaylee Pond (geek culture and cosplay cam girl):

If I’m really not enjoying myself, I would probably still do my best to stick it out and give them a fair shot. If I’ve taken my own advice and met somewhere non-committal like a coffee shop then I should have a polite “out” fairly quickly. Once coffee is done I can just say that I have to go, thank them for the date, and say it was nice meeting them! I would avoid lying or acting like there will be another date if you know that there won’t be.

Goddess Audrey Rae (clip girl, occasional PSO and camgirl, specializing in Femdom and fetish):

I’m a big fan of the fake phone call. Both for safety issues and just to get yourself out of a situation you don’t want to be in anymore! If you really need to stick around for whatever reason, then try to save face as much as possible until you have an excuse to leave.

Secondhand Rose (a former escort, presently offering custom erotica and virtual companionship via text and telephone):

Be honest about it. Not only does that help avoid misunderstandings (and those repeated requests for dates), but sometimes it creates magic…

One time, I was on a date with a man I met on the Internet. We had great chemistry chatting there, and on the phone; but when we were sitting together at the restaurant bar, having drinks, the chemistry was just not there. It wasn’t even awkward and boring small talk — conversing was like pulling teeth! The thought of progressing to a table to eat with this man was an anathema to me. So I turned to him and said, “This isn’t going well, is it; let’s pass on dinner.” It was more of a statement than a question, but he agreed he felt the same. We decided to end the date — but a funny thing happened as we walked out the door…

We began talking about how awkward it was, how you never knew how things would be in person even if you thought you had great conversations online and on the phone, and suddenly we were laughing and dishing and voila!

We sat in the parking lot, sharing a beautiful summer’s night until the sun came up — and even then, we didn’t want to part. That date may have began as a “bad date”, but it led to a wonderful, committed, lovely, long-term relationship.

A Slip Of A Girl (phone sex operator, specializing in lingerie fetish, crossdressing, and sissification):

I usually try to make the most of it. Unless there is something creepy or unsafe, then I leave taking every safety precaution I can.

Typically, if I’ve had such a bad time that I do not to want another date, they are feeling the same way. But if they should call and ask for another date, I’ll politely but firmly decline so as to make it clear that I am not interested. It saves everyone’s time, patience, and feelings, really.

Dealing With Dating Mistakes: Tips From Sex Workers

sex-worker-q-and-a-at-skContinuing (somewhat slowly) our discussion with sex workers about first dates and blind dates

In this fifth part in the series, we’re asking the professionals to focus on specific dating mistakes ~ so that you can avoid some of the biggest and most common dating blunders ~ as well as when and how you may be able to recover from them.

What do you think are the biggest dating mistakes?

DiQld (an independent BBW escort):

Talking about your past as tho it is your present.

Angela St. Lawrence (a phone sex operator specializing in erotic fetish and sensual debauchery):

Overthinking. Overdressing. Over-compensating.

Kaylee Pond (a cam girl specializing in nerdy, geeky, cosplay fun):

Being fake and acting like someone that you’re not or lying to make yourself look cool. Ugh! That’ll just backfire so hard and really isn’t good for anyone.

Claire Keeler (an independent sex worker and award winning photographer, working on a photographic essay called Whoretography):

Not being yourself. Dressing in a way that does not feel like you. Trying to hard to impress. Coming across as too eager … slagging off an ex, its a deal breaker as is being married. You deserve a man who is full time not looking to fill a void in his shitty marriage, that’s why they pay me lol

Addy Finch (an independent sex worker specializing in transgender/transsexual companionship):

Being late, dirty, and inattentive. Take your date as seriously as an interview because it is exactly that.

“Alice” (a sex worker with 17 years experience in adult erotic services and sex worker activism):

People trying to figure out what the other person wants, trying to please a stranger, more than trying to figure out their own selves and how they’re doing with what’s happening in front of them.

Holly (a full service independent escort and, sometimes, a brothel worker):

People not being themselves. Saying things they think the other person wants to hear or portraying themselves in a way that isn’t really them. Be yourself. If they don’t like your real self that’s ok, they aren’t the one for you.

A Slip Of A Girl (a phone companion specializing in sissies, crossdressing, and other lingerie fetish work):

Not being yourself. That, after all, is what this is all about!

Secondhand Rose (a former escort, presently offering custom erotica and virtual companionship via text and telephone):

Not participating or making an effort at conversation is probably the most common sin. But being handsy, going for an unwanted kiss, or other aggressive sexual acts made after being rebuffed are the largest sins.

Once mistakes are made, can a person recover from them? If so, how?

Angela:

I think it’s very rare. Bad impressions aren’t easily erased. But humor can excuse a lot. Be willing to laugh at your own silliness and give your date room to do the same.

“Alice”:

Of course, but it often takes a little bit of courage to just be vulnerable and own your mistakes. I tell my dates when I’ve made errors in scheduling, or forgotten where I was supposed go, or whatever. I don’t lie unnecessarily and I don’t make excuses. Most mistakes I make are very embarrassing because I’m so controlling and “put together” most of the time, and it’s actually really good for me to have to take myself a little less seriously. So I just have to own them. When I do that, I’ve had almost always positive results. People like real people, even when they want a fantasy date! It’s very confusing!

Goddess Audrey Rae (a Femdom and fetish clip girl, camgirl, and occasional phone sex operator):

It really depends on how bad the mistake is. Honestly if your date is freaked out because you like spilled a glass of water or something, they probably aren’t the person you want to be going out with anyways.

Di:

Acknowledge the mistake, and move on.

Holly:

Everyone makes mistakes. It just depends on the size of the mistake and if they learn from it and how they fix the mistake.

Addy:

You can only make a first impression once, but with work you can overcome them, certainly. Apologize for whatever mistake, focus on not repeating it, and work wherever possible to do the opposite in the immediate future (ex: If you were late, be certain to show up early in the future).

Claire:

No, I don’t think so as you never get a second chance to make a good first impression. I am somewhat brutal about this when screening my clients and use the motto ‘if there is doubt, there is no doubt’ trust you gut, if something is off it probably is.

Rose:

Humor can ease if not erase most mistakes. However, it’s important to really consider the mistakes your date may make too. Continuing aggressive sexual acts past a single refusal are not “mistakes” and they should not be forgiven. This is a sign to leave — immediately & safely.

Yes, there’s still more dating advice from sex workers to come!