Sunday Funnies: Trump Dick Edition

Just to be clear, I absolutely, sincerely, believe Donald Trump is a dick in the most negative of ways; however, this Trump dick trickery [not (yet?) to be confused with Tricky Dicky Nixon] is just silly paper doll play time. In this Make Donald Trump’s Penis [Great Again], you are instructed to print, cut out, and then “glue-on the penis you think this dickless Donald Trump deserves.”

Personally, I’d rather use a pin… You know, like Pin The Tail On The Donkey. Because even if Trump is running as a Republican Elephant, not a Democratic Donkey, Trump is certainly an ass. …And pins would match the pain I feel watching him as a presidential candidate.

Make Donald Trump's Penis Great Again

From WoodRocket‘s new “Fluff” humor section.

Free Love Was Born In The 60s, But It’s Coming Of Age Today; Is Your Adult Dating Profile Ready?

According to Google Trends, “sex hookups” have become more than just the stuff of a lonely person’s day dreams ~ or a horny person’s wet dreams. Over the past decade, people have moved from the idea of a cheap and easy sexual encounter to taking action by searching online. In fact, searches for “casual sex sites” has grown exponentially in the past five years as well ~ no doubt in response to the generous increase of websites, such as mysexhookups.com, which kindly offer to help folks meet their needs. Yes, free love may have been born in the 60s ~ but it’s coming of age now.

But you still have to put the work in to find a fuck buddy online. For example, you can’t just do as TechnicallyRon did, and let Google autocomplete fill in the blanks of your dating profile:

However, the biggest sins in creating casual sex dating profiles lay in the photos.

Here are simple tips on how not to screw-up your fuck buddy profile pictures:

1) At least one of your photos should have your face in it. In fact, your primary profile photo ought to have your face in it. Sure, this helps people recognize you when you meet; but seeing your face also puts people at ease. No one wants to risk being lured in by a hot Jessica Rabbit bod only to find themselves having one of those face-to-face-with-Lena-Hyena moments.

You can laugh all you want to; but this is what people fear on these dating sites. Since no one is actually as bad as Lena, don’t be so damn afraid to show your face.

2) Have someone else take natural photos of you to use in your hookup profile. This is not only so that you look like an actual person (instead of those fish-faced selfies), but it proves you have some friends & aren’t a creepy loner. And don’t have the friend take a picture of you in a random weird place. How about just a normal snapshot of you chillin’ at home. Oh, and don’t include other people in the pic. I mean, really ~ who else really wants to be on your sex profile?!

3) Keep nudity under wraps. Yes, these are adult sites; but come on, you needn’t flash all your bits to anyone who passes by your profile. In fact, here’s an escort promotional tip: Use your photos to tease them into wanting to see more of you.

By all means, take those nude photos. But save your completely nude photos in a private album or hold onto them until they are requested. Yes, gents, this includes those dick pics! Even when we women are actively seeking dick, we frown at guys who just whip it out & show it to anyone. Not only does this make you look desperate, but your fascination with your own cock makes you seem like a selfish lover.

Saucy Saturday: Retro Hetero Couple Edition

retro nude couple

On a quasi-related note (and not to ruin your Saucy Saturday with too much thinky stuff)…

I remember a discussion I had not long ago with a gentleman who was surprised that I had gone about a dozen adult (and sexually active) years before seeing an uncircumcised penis. He thought because I was in the US that I’d seen many of them ~ believing, in fact, that majority of American men do not have circumcised cocks. I was surprised at that notion. But here are some stats and info, should you be interested.

Image via.

Women Are Tits-Deep In Dick Pics

We’ve talked before about the whole dick pics thing. But recently, Rain DeGrey wrote about the subject, saying to those who send dick pics are “You are missing your target market.”

Dick is somewhat lower on a woman’s priority list. They actually care more about if you have your shit together, if you have a job, if you are confident, if you have some sort of skill set, if you are a functioning human being. Few and far between are the women that are so cock obsessed that the only thing that matters is the peen. That completely discount the dude attached to the dick and only care about what you are packing.

But you know who really really likes cock shots?

Gay guys.

Absolutely, completely true most of the time.

Sure, there are times when any hetero woman loves to see a photo of a raging hard-on. But usually that’s after we’ve actually had that cock and want to see it again, or when things between consenting adults have progressed to that point. You know, after we women have decided we want to see it and asked you to see it. Until then, let your cock remain a mystery. By all means, woo us into wanting you, and therefore it; but don’t just assume we want it, because more often than not we do not.

Here’s the thing, people: We may be on the Internet, but we are still people. Just as you ought not to plop that sucker out anytime, anyplace, anywhere in the real world, the same rules apply on the Internet. And the same reactions apply. Snap a pic of your cock, send your digital dick to a female, and she’s likely to become less interested in you.

That’s the biggest problem with dick pics: Men rush them. They deploy them like they are warheads of lust we women just won’t be able to refuse. Well, we may not be able to prevent them from being sent. But we typically can and do refuse to participate in anything sexual ~ and endeavor to avoid you in the future. You might think that once we see your mighty cock that we won’t be able to get enough of it, but the opposite is true. Pics of naked cock, upright or just laying there, is not only something we can get enough ~ it’s something we are sick and tired of.

And that’s the other problem with dick pics: The sheer volume of them.

This reminds me of the old ASL BS of the early Internet days… The second you hit that “F” key (for “Female” ~ twas before more accurate and appropriate gender options), you were hit with an onslaught of digital dick. It’s why so many of us lofted and created usernames that reflected no hint of being female.

gracies-stash-of-dick-picsI still have a number of those old dick pics. It’s not that I intended to save them per se; but ever since 1999, every time I got a new computer I copied the old files onto it and so they still exist. It may seem like an odd collection of dick pics, but everything, from tufts of body hair, moles, tattoos, and, yes, dicks offered while wearing leather motorcycle hats and smoking is all, at this point, too typical. So too are the ass shots showing themselves off wearing panties. See a montage, carefully cropped so as not to identify anyone in particular ~ and to avoid an actual dick pic. (You didn’t ask to see one, did you?)

Selfies weren’t so easy then. Either to take or to send. So sometimes a guy would tell you to wait a minute so he could take a photo of himself and he would disappear from chat for like 15 minutes. The first time this “please wait” message was sent, you waited. But your excitement at finally being able to see the face of this man you were speaking to hundreds or thousands of miles away was then met with the horror of a dick pic. So you likely never waited again. Sometimes, you’d leave the chat room and enter again with a different ID just to avoid the guy. But sites like AOL limited the number of user names you had and eventually some guy who’d sent you a dick pic would spot you. *sigh*  To give you an idea how bad it was, here’s a true story from my past.

Back in my escorting days, my security was a police officer. For the purposes of this story, we’ll call him “Jason.” One night, after working, he came back to my place just to hang out like any co-workers might do after work. I turned my PC on to send check-in messages to my safety circle (a sex worker can never be too safe!). I left the computer on while I went into the kitchen to get us some snacks. I wasn’t gone more than a few seconds when Jason shouted to me, “I thought you were off duty?”

“I am,” I replied, “Why?”

“You’ve got three photos of men’s cocks ~ make that four ~ five!”

By this time I’d returned with my hands full of beverages and whatnot. “That’s not even my escort ID* ~ see?”

“So why are these guys sending you pics then?”

“Why do you send girls online pics of your dick?”

He paused for a long time, just watching as the dick pics continued to pour in. “I just had no idea…”

I smiled, “You had no idea just how unoriginal you were? Or how much competition you had?”

“So what do you do, delete them all, or…?”

“Usually. But sometimes we girls, we get together and look at them.”

“Together?”

“Yes. It’s kind of how we survive this shit. Being so inundated, well, there’s somehow a certain sanity in numbers. We laugh at them together, wondering why they thought that was at even remotely sexy, or ranking them for the worst pic… Sometimes identifying them ~”

“Identify them?!”

“Sure. I’ll get the same pics as Kat** but under a guy’s different user name ~ and then we compare notes. Sometimes we get dark and play mind games with a guy, catch him in his lies and stuff. …Of course, there are the times we also act as health professionals, screening the dicks for obvious problems and try to get the guy into a doctor’s office ~ because, honey, that thing needs to be looked at but not in a sexual way!”

Jason was amazed. He had no idea how much of this went on. He thought he & his dick pics were special. But now he realized, they were not. No matter how amazing his dick ~ or any man’s is ~ it just doesn’t stand up stand out among all the dick pics a girl gets. And this is something that has not changed.

Chat rooms of yore may seem, well, quaint somehow… But with all the new methods of sending photos, the matter of dick pics is only worse. They pop up in chats, emails, blog comments, texts, you name it. The tech has advanced, which only means more means of sending dick pics ~ and we women are tits-deep in the things.

Get this straight: If you are not special to a woman then neither is your dick. Your dick will be ridiculed, the pic deleted and possibly even held against you in a court of law.

Of course, for some men, the ridicule is exactly what they are after. Whether it’s the small penis thing, the “forced faggotry fetish“, scenarios involving blackmail, public shaming, or whatever, guys like this should seek the services of a sex worker who is paid to pay attention.

Otherwise, most women simply don’t have the time or desire to do anything other than delete, block, and report. Sure, many of us are still meeting, sharing, and talking about your dick pics. Including mocking them. But unless you’re paying us to tell you, you’ll never know just what we think of your dick.

* My escorting clients or prospective clients never sent unsolicited dick pics.

** At this time, Kat was my next door neighbor.

In-Phallic-Able

The truth is, men may love their penises too much.

This may explain their self-loathing ~ often misdirected as anger at you ~ when they can’t get it up. While this is a common problem, men who cannot raise that head (and their partners who are suffering from the ensuing anger which rears it’s ugly little head) often seem perplexed.

Many sex-perts will tell you to be understanding of your partner; I, and most experienced women, will tell you that “understanding” may only make things worse because men don’t like to talk about it ~ unless blaming you counts.

As Exhibit A, I give you The Psychodynamics of Erections [by popular demand], by Jay Rusovich.

Erections define masculinity, which is why impotence is such a powerful word in the male lexicon.

It suggests a negation of self, because that’s exactly what it feels like for any man who’s ever experienced it, which would include most men, by the way.

Think Rusovich is exaggerating? Check out this post at The Devil’s Dick “for men that are possessed by their cocks”, sent in from one of his blog readers:

Just ran into your blog…omg…I love it…lol…I am 45 bi and an exhibitionists as you will be able to see with my pictures….I am from WV…my favorite thing to do is going for drives in just my sext underwear and jockstraps…and taking pictures to share with all….lol….please enjoy my stuff and thanks for a hot blog..

Yeah, both these guys are “not hetero”; they love other men’s dicks as well as their own. But that’s not going to diminish how their identity is tied to their own dicks; this is evidence of it. Even if this is the more extroverted exhibitionist side of it.

Anyway, back to Rusovich and male impotence.

Here Rusovich seems to be onto something…

See, men are so accustomed to blaming themselves that they forget about the person they’re with. The assumption is that the erection is their responsibility no matter what the circumstance, and as usual, they’re dead wrong. Just try balancing the responsibility if you don’t believe me.

I think maybe he’s going to give us a tip or two for handling guys at this sensitive time ~ but then he makes a twist that just throws me:

If a man doesn’t feel comfortable with a woman, the fact that she has a great ass doesn’t change the fact that she’s also a psychopath with a Demeral problem.

It also doesn’t change his erection status if he thinks he’s supposed to be attracted to someone based on a mental checklist, but in reality there’s no chemistry.

In other words, he can’t force an erection anymore than he can improve chemistry or behavior that belongs to someone else.

Homicidal sociopaths can do it, but not everyone wins the lottery.

Um, reference to homicidal sociopaths aside (because I swear I was trying to learn something!), did Rusovich just say that lack of rising to the occasion was a simple chemistry problem?

First of all, if it were that simple, how did he ever get to the point of getting into bed with her? Do men normally seek to take women they are not “feeling chemistry” with to bed?

And B), impotence and performance issues happen for many reasons ~ including, among other reasons, great chemistry, being too excited, etc. What about those times?

But Rusovich doesn’t get to those. Here’s what he says next:

So here are a few fundamental lessons:

Never, ever idealize anyone. They don’t deserve it, believe me. No one deserves it, and most men who project this bullshit onto someone are setting themselves up for failure. Remember, it’s not your job to be turned on and achieve an erection just to satisfy a woman’s expectations. There are two people involved here, and I’m damn sure you’re not going to kick her ass out of bed if she isn’t lubricated, so make it a two-way street.

Whoa, there buddy! You nearly lost me again on that last turn! I thought you were finally going to get to the meat of the situation ~ that men shouldn’t be so self-identified by their own meat or idealize it. But instead, you’re seriously sounding like you’re about to play the blame game…

Oh, and then here it comes!

If you feel comfortable with the woman, it will happen. But men often make the mistake of thinking that just because a woman is beautiful that everything else is their responsibility.

It isn’t.

Just try taking the pressure off of yourself and put it on her for a change. If she doesn’t like the shift in dynamics, hand her a Sasha Gray video and be done with it.

Do not ever allow a woman to set the pace. Remember, the cards are in her favor when she’s the one applying the pressure. She knows you’re the one who has to perform. And if you idealize her before you have any idea who [or what] you’re dealing with, you’re on thin ice.

Remember, you can’t slay her with your penis unless you feel comfortable with her.

Then you can kill her with the fucking thing.

If she’s that hot, just go for broke or walk away. It isn’t worth the embarrassment if you don’t feel comfortable.

How’s that for being so defensive that you go on the offensive ~ and being really offensive, at that.

Don’t ever let the woman set the pace?!

The man is the one who has to perform?!

Clearly the only one being idealized here is the cock.

*snort*

After sharing his own personal story (which is supposed to legitimize what he’s saying, but only adds to the BS factor), Rusovich is ready for his summation:

Note to women:

Never badger a man for sex. That’s his job. If your libidos are mismatched, move on. But never pressure a man you love if you want him to stick around. He won’t.

In summation:

1] Never idealize anyone. No one is perfect and most of the time, far from it, no matter what her ass looks like.

2] If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t proceed, period. If she’s right for you, the erection will happen.

3] Stop blaming yourself. It’s not about you. It’s about both of you and your ability to connect. And while her looks may be overwhelming, you might want to take a look at her brain, which may do the trick given all the empty space.

A final note to women:

Intense sex is not an indicator of lasting love. In fact precisely the opposite is often true. This is because when men feel this comfortable from the outset, it’s usually an indication that their brains are on autopilot, which is a bad thing if you expect them to remember things like your name, for example.

I get beaten up about this all the time.

Dude, not remembering a woman’s name is probably the least of all the reasons you should be (verbally) beaten up.

Not only did you just contradict yourself (first advocating that a man needs to feel comfortable with a woman in order to carry-out his performance duties, then saying that his being so comfortable is a bad sign), but your point of view is so misandrist that it crosses over into misogynistic!

The only thing I can, at this point, say I honestly agree with is that sometimes a man’s inability to get it up is due to a lack of connection between himself and his partner. Just as likely, however, is a lack of sleep, stress at work (or, in this economy, stress over a lack of work), physical &/or mental health issues, etc. He might even be a psychopath with his own Demeral problem, Rusovich.

Nevertheless, you failed to provide anything a woman can really do to take her share of the “responsibility” for his inability to be “the one who has to perform” ~ save to be the scapegoat for his anger.

Wouldn’t it just be easier, for everyone involved, if men just took a look at their own egos ~ or, in your language, their own brains, “all the empty space” ~ and just accepted what we women already do: That a man is not his penis.

PS If this is your first time at the new Sex Kitten, or your first time here ever, please note that the archives can be found in the sidebar under “Ye Olde Cat House” ~~~>