Our Sex Worker Q & A Dating Series continues, this time with advice on talking your way through that blind date or first date more comfortably.
You’ll likely notice that the tips our team of dating experts share here are excellent companions to those pointers on how to deal with dating jitters.
(It shouldn’t be a surprise ~ these sex-perts are, after all, professional companions!)
Awkward silences are the worst. How do you get ~ and keep ~ a date talking?
Secondhand Rose (a former escort, presently offering custom erotica and virtual companionship via text and telephone):
I’ve never really had difficulty getting a person talking. It’s all about being interested, and I’ve always found people interesting! Let your curiosity lead the way, within polite reason, of course. Express genuine interest. A soft smile with a reassuring hand placed on their shoulder or arm now and then works wonders too.
Kaylee Pond (a cam girl specializing in nerdy, geeky, cosplay fun):
Find a subject that they’re passionate about that interests you, too!
Claire Keeler (an independent sex worker and award winning photographer, working on a photographic essay called Whoretography):
Ask them about themselves. People love talking about themselves. People are fascinating, we all lead interesting lives. So ask opened ended questions they can’t answer with a “yes” or “no”.
Angela St. Lawrence (a phone sex operator specializing in erotic fetish and sensual debauchery):
Ask questions. Who are his favorite authors? Is he from the area? College? Where? Pets? Where is his family? Career? Movies?
But don’t forget to talk about yourself in the midst of this, or he will feel like you are interrogating him and that is not good!
“Alice” (a sex worker with 17 years experience in erotic services and activism):
I am a question machine. It is difficult to come up with follow up questions, but they are the key to sustained conversation. I don’t just ask, “So what’s this trip about on Friday?” I also ask, “Do you enjoy working with the people you’ll see there?” “Do you have any favorite places in that city?” etc.
Goddess Audrey Rae (a Femdom and fetish clip girl, camgirl, and occasional phone sex operator):
I’m not much of a small talker, so I tend to make sure I know a few things about them to talk about first. Or take the first date as an opportunity to play 20 questions! This is a totally new person, you have an entire life time to learn about them!
Holly (a full service independent escort and, sometimes, brothel worker):
I tell stupid jokes lol. I try to get to get them laughing.
Addy Finch (an independent sex worker specializing in transgender/transsexual companionship):
Avoid yes/no questions and focus on open-ended ones, such as, “How did you wind up in your career?” and “What do you like about where you live?” If they’re still clamming up with really short answers, bounce back with your own answer to the same question. Hopefully your date will find something in your answer to latch on to. Once they get going on something, focus your questions there to encourage their passion. Smiling, nodding, and looking interested will go a long way toward making them want to develop their answer for you.
A Slip Of A Girl (a phone companion specializing in sissies, crossdressing, and other lingerie fetish work):
When you do receive a short response, share your own answer and elaborate a bit. For example, “I didn’t like that movie either, because…” Then pause for your date to add their thoughts. I think often, out of nervousness, people make the mistake of not pausing enough. To keep it a conversation, not a monologue, don’t carry on too long with your answers. And, if they have not already addressed the issue, add a friendly “And you?” at the end to encourage them to share their thoughts.
DiQld (an independent BBW escort):
Really bad awkward silences may be a tell tale that it is not the right person at this time. Say thank you, admit it isn’t working, and part friendly.
What subjects are best to avoid ~ at least at first?
Honestly I think there should be two categories: “Things I Notice My Date Wants to Avoid” and “Things I Will Not Discuss”. The second list I make before I leave the house. The first list is evolving as the date goes.
I’d likely avoid getting too deep into things on the first date, just keep things light and have fun.
Anything that can be controversial that you yourself aren’t willing to end a date over. For me, these tend to be politics and religion. I’m informed well enough, but, outside of a few issues, they absolutely aren’t hills I’m going to die on. Indifferent about urban/suburban divides, gentrification, and class/race warfare? Not worth it. Don’t care one way or the other about Israel/Palestine? Don’t touch it. However, if it’s absolutely mandatory that your date agree with you that German potato salad is better than Italian potato salad, though, then ruining a date early by emphatically advocating for mayo isn’t necessarily worse than getting roped into a second date.
Income, politics, sex, religion.
Politics, religion, ex partners, and sex.
Politics, marriage, how much money they earn.
The date you had last night!
Other than past relationships, I don’t think anything is taboo… Sure, some topics are more controversial than others. But those may be either deal breakers or deal makers for you, or your date. So if it’s a “need to know” for you, ask about it. But then be prepared for your date to exercise their right to pass on answering this early on.
If your date asks you something you aren’t willing to share just yet, how do you handle that?
I tend to answer vaguely and change the subject; or just change the subject if need be! If they aren’t a jerk, they’ll figure it out and drop it.
A simple, “Once we get to know each other we can share my thoughts about this.” It’s not okay to feel forced into discussing something you are not willing to share. If he does not respect that, then that’s a pretty surefire way to tell what he will be like in a relationship.
I don’t share. Period.
Ask them a question back. Like, “Why?”
I’ll say, “Next!” Then laugh and then ask them a question.
If I’m trying to relax my date, I’ll flirtatiously say, “You don’t know me like that yet,” and then change the subject. Most people will follow this “out” because they don’t want to start a confrontation.
If someone is bugging me for something, whining and asking why I won’t just share myself with them, I am pretty strict about setting boundaries. I point out that I’ve already said the convo needs to change, and that they need to practice respecting my boundaries. Right now.
If they persist or insist, I’ll ask them why they really need to know that now. Usually they’ll accept that as a pause to wait and see how things go before bringing it up again. However, if it is something they feel they need to know, then I’ll either answer it honestly — or take it as a cue that this isn’t going to be a good match.
Usually I’ll answer vaguely or pretend I misunderstood their question to mean something else. If they persist, it’s always okay to simply say that you’re not comfortable talking about that yet and ask if you can change the subject. Leave the door open to talking about it in the future, and hopefully that should satisfy. If they won’t respect your boundaries on something that minor, quite honestly you should pretty directly end the date anyway.
Yes, there’s still more dating tips on the way! Stay tuned!