Warning: Choke Hazard!

Despite the lifelike appearance, ethereal beauty, and being “endowed with soul”…

This doll, with the perfectly molded internal structure of vagina, is not for children under 3 years old.

WARNING:
CHOKING HAZARD
Small parts. Not for children under 3 yrs.

Yes, it’s the small parts which make this sex doll inappropriate for children…

Hot For Teacher? Even Hotter For A Tit Job?

As a big-breasted girl, I know full well the power of a titty fuck. Since I can’t be everywhere, you might want to find a readily available substitute. And, since we’re speaking of “substitutes,” here’s a substitute teacher to help you with your busty naughty dreams: the Oppai Teacher, aka the Huge Boobs Teacher Deluxe Toy.

This Japanese masturbator has a pair of pleasure holes (onaholes) as well as a bountiful bosom for paizuri (titty fucking).

Unlike some other life-size (or nearly so) fuckable sex dolls, you have realistic breasts to play with.

I’m not exactly sure what makes her a “sexy teacher” ~ maybe it’s the glass test tube between her breasts… She’s a science teacher! She’ll blind you with science, baby!

But we can all get behind the idea of a teacher sex doll, right? Especially when this nearly full sized sex toy can also be used doggy style!

Made in Japan; but you can order it here and have it sent to you in the USA. Yes, it’s safe to use; 100% phthalate-free materials. Lotion is included too, so there’s nothing to stop you!

A Yoni Egg?

We can get stimulated by odd things. I’ve admitted to a few here and on my own site. Why specific things work for one individual and not another is not something I think about a lot. I’d rather collect what does work for me and enjoy it as I please. I do think there is something of the science fiction/ alien fetish with this egg idea though. I’m curious about how it will feel slipping inside of me. I don’t think keeping it inside will do much for me, as far as stimulation. But, that’s all part of the experiment and the exploration.
egg Via Etsy: Crystal Energy Canada

Saucy Saturday: German Porn Edition

If you’re looking to spend some time masturbating with some international flair this weekend…

This site has German porn ~ or porno, as the Germans call it. Which means you’d be masturbieren like a real German now. Of course, if you prefer your German porn to be of the kitschy nostalgic variety, lederhosen and all, there’s this

german porn stars

Sunday Funnies: Sing Along Edition

The Autoblow 2 has been upgraded to the Autoblow 2 + and there’s a new sing along song to help you learn about the new features. Like the first jingle, also by Chicago-based singer-songwriter David Safran, this catchy little promo is supposed to maximize word of mouth marketing about the masturbator that simulates a blow job. *wink* Just try to un-hear “the Autoblow 2 has been upgraded; it’s a perfect time to be fellated!”

You can find my man’s review of the Autoblow 2 here.

Nifty Nostalgia For Your Naughty Bits

If you’re of a certain age, maybe even younger, you’ll likely recall the old Sit & Spins and the Hoppity Hop Balls… For those of us who had some pretty nice sexual awakenings on those toys, the iRide conjures those old naughty nostalgic notions…

iRide sit and spin hoppity hop

Phone Sex Is An Art

In the February issue of Cosmo, Julianne Hough discusses the desire to keep intimacy alive in a relationship, including how difficult it is to talk dirty:

On her long-distance relationship and whether she and her fiancé have phone sex: “Oh, for sure. But I’m really bad at it … I’ll get halfway through and start laughing. It’s an art. I applaud people who are good at it. They need to come and help me keep a straight face!”

While I’d love to ponder how dreamy Hough might look while like masturbating during phone sex (and I’ll give you a moment to recover from the images in your mind too!), it may be more kind to offer Hough ~ and you ~ some tips on how to master the art of phone sex.

cosmopolitan-feb-16-julianne-hough-coverFirst, don’t worry what your face looks like. It’s phone sex; your partner can’t see you. (Plus, we all have orgasm faces ~ and we don’t worry about those once things get to that point!)

Second, it’s OK to laugh. It breaks the tension. Besides, giggles are often a part of hot sex.

Third, like anything else, talking dirty gets easier and better with practice. Whether you’re working with paint on canvas or words to make a sexy picture for your lover, practice matters. If you feel really uncomfortable starting out, why not practice with a pro? The folks who work at adult chatlines would be happy to lend you a virtual hand, assisting you while you work on the proper verbal strokes necessary to create your oral masturbation piece.

You’re 7 Days Behind…

30-day-masturbation-challenge-anna-sudit-opener-02You, yes you, are seven days behind if you want to take Refinery29’s 30-Day Masturbation Challenge.

This challenge is about more than self-pleasure; it’s a self-improvement challenge, using sex ed to improve your sex life. But we’re fine with it just being about masturbation. And I’m OK with doing it more than once a day too. Even if I started on time ~ even when the month, and the challenge, ends.

Dirty Talk: When Is It Masturbation, When Is It An Affair?

Over at Pulse.com.gh, “Ghana’s online news platform,” there’s some good old fashioned relationship fear-mongering: Warning!!! These 9 people likely to have an affair with your spouse.

The article should have just stopped at the subheading description advice of, “Keep good communication channels between the two of you, if there are problems in your marriage talk it out amongst yourselves, not to an an outsider.” Then things would have been rather sound. Good communication is one of the best ways to keep any relationship strong.

But instead, the staff writers opted to go into some stereotypical details about the titular types of people who are a threat to your marriage. Along with the usual suspects, such as the “old flame” and “the household help”, there’s one which makes me take a pause in my day & post this blog:

8. “The chat mate”
In this age of social media, many married people are sexting and having phone sex with chat mates. They are excited about going on phone to have naughty sessions with chat mates that they put no effort in their marriage. This is already wrong and it upgrades to a physical meeting with the chat mate to have sexual intercourse, the chat mate turns you on and you want the real sexual experience.

The solution? Be everything to you mate at all times, of course! Fulfill their every fantasy or entertainment need:

Protect your marriage from this by having phone sex and sexting with your spouse, not a chat mate. Use the phone to better your communication and sex life with your spouse, not to form wrong connections. Ask yourself, if you are really mature and serious about your marriage, will you be comfortable and proud if your spouse goes through your phone conversations?

What drives me nuts about this is the notion that in a healthy, loving, committed relationship, neither party is allowed any form of masturbatory experience.

What happens when sex drives are different? What happens when one person has a kink ~ or a vanilla fantasy ~ that the other person has no real interest in? What happens when your partner works a different shift than you do?

Dear World, are you honestly trying to tell me that people who love one another, people wish to remain together, can never ever masturbate on their own again?!

Uh, no.

dirty-talk-masturbation-or-affair-phone-sexRemember, masturbation is not cheating. It doesn’t matter if you do it by hand or with a toy. It doesn’t matter if you masturbate while fondly remembering the sex you had with your partner last week, or if you masturbate to written erotica or porno flicks. If masturbating to the sights of other people’s bodies is perfectly fine ~ and it is! ~ then why would it matter if you jacked or jilled yourself to orgasm while enjoying the sounds of other people’s voices? There are voices in those pornos too. What about recorded erotica? How different is listening to a dirty story than reading one off the paper yourself? And so what if the naughty stories you read aren’t published and available as an ebook download from Amazon but are the more ephemeral keystrokes made in chat rooms or on mobile phones? Either way, another person wrote those dirty words. (Ditto the writing, err, direction of adult films.)

Just how far away from the creator of those juicy ideas must you be in order to squirt or spray your load and remain faithful?

If your whole fear is based upon the notion that sexy fantasy playtime will lead to some sort of connection, that the situation will, as Pulse says, “upgrade to a physical meeting,” then why not go with the services of a pro?

In What’s Real, Who’s Fake, What’s Private? Truths About Virtual Sex Affairs, friend of the blog Secondhand Rose puts it this way:

This is why using professional services is so special and important. Even when things are not purely about the erotic adult entertainment, when things are more honest and friendly in those GFE companionship ways, sex workers know the professional line. Professional phone sex operators stay on the “entertainment” side; they not out to meet, let alone “get”, a man. I know none of the Peck & Call Girls will fall into such delusions or have such aspirations because, again, I have screened them myself. Yes, we may form relationships, intimate friendships; but we are neither falling in love nor encouraging clients to chuck the real world and run away with us. Our telephone and virtual affairs are completely safe this way.

See? Virtual sex is all about the masturbation ~ especially when assisted by professionals, i.e. sex workers. Paying for the services of a virtual sex assistant protects individuals from more than STDs/STIs. Phone sex operators & cam girls prevent emotional relationship creep too.

All that said, how can you tell if your mate is looking for more than some masturbation fun?

It’s pretty easy, really. Talk about it! Find out what sorts of masturbation materials your partner likes; let them know it’s OK with you. Share your own needs too. Set a budget and boundaries, if needed. Such acceptance diffuses any nervous, defensive, or ashamed feelings & related behaviors. Solo masturbation can honestly bring you closer together!

However, if you are concerned, here are some tell-tale warning signs:

* Your partner is not paying for their personal masturbation assistance.

* Your partner is paying, but it is for memberships at “cheating” sites like Ashley Madison or dating or hookup sites, rather than for sites like NiteFlirt and MyFreeCams (despite the name, there is money spent there; Kaylee Pond explains!).

* Your partner opts to spend more time with their entertainment than with you.

One very special way to deal with any suspicions is to simply ask your significant other if you can sit with them and enjoy the entertainment too. You could participate in a phone sex call or watch a cam show together. They could let you read chat room or sext messages. Reassure them by letting them know there’s wrong with a little mutual masturbation now and then. Reassure yourself that there’s nothing to fear here.

However, if there is a problem, talk about it. Seek professional help of another variety, if needed.

But stop assuming that masturbation with a professional guide is cheating or bad. …You know what happens when you “assume.” And I don’t need any help making an ass out of myself.