My Husband Is Bisexual! Now What?

Today we welcome a guest into our Sex Kitten Parlor to discuss his personal story… Peter is a relationship & sex writer for TheGayUk magazine. He is in a loving marriage with Michael; the couple resides in Brisbane, Australia. Besides writing, Peter loves cooking, reading, and travelling around exotic destinations. His future plans revolve around starting up his personal couple counseling business.

A long time ago, in a land far far away there lived a Prince. He was charming, handsome, smart and rich – a real catch. Then, one day – he went to a ball in search of his soul mate. That’s when he instantly fell in love with a Princess, the most beautiful of all. Their eyes met and it was love that would last forever and ever… at least, that’s what we are told. Truth is, this glorified Prince had probably had another prince on the side already, the Princess had probably had an elf or another princess to fool around with too, but Disney never told us about that, did he now? Sure, it’s always easier to live an illusion than face reality. Until it slaps you in the face.

We all love and fall, we all hurt. It’s how we overcome it, and how strongly we decide to love again what counts.

wedding coupleDiscovering your partner is something you never thought would be absolutely nerve-wrecking. From small things, like realizing they’ve been lying to you the whole time when saying they went golfing with their friends (when they’ve actually been taking a break from the family life every Wednesday and Friday) to realizing your significant other has preferences towards the other sex. Naturally, these two are incomparable but it’s all betrayal and betrayal is difficult on plenty of levels. Finding out your partner is bisexual? Horrible.

When it happened to me and my husband I was destroyed; a mashup of feelings I’d never felt until then suffocated me to a point I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It was the worst feeling of my life, in all honesty. And the way I found out? Not that pleasant either.

We were at this party our friends threw (it’s their thing, they throw it every last Saturday in a month and all of our friends gather, we bring home-cooked food and deserts, bottles of wine are opened and we just enjoy our night away) and my husband started chatting with this girl, who was quite attractive, I must admit. She was new in the crowd, recently moved in next door to our friends’, so they invited her over. At first, I thought they were just being friendly, but once the leaning in started and his flirting I knew something was up. But, I was confused as she was, well, a girl and he was-gay. That is, was supposed to be gay. I started recalling all the small signs from before, I so successfully (and intentionally) ignored but did bury deep into my subconsciousness thinking they’d be safe there.

When we came home, I immediately confronted him. At first, he started denying it but then he cracked. He started crying, I could read the immense pain in his body language for hurting me and the inexplicable relief at the same time, for getting it off his chest. So he admitted he is bisexual and what was I supposed to do with that? Was our 7-year-long marriage a lie? Did he ever love me? Was I a decoy for something, God knows what? I was frozen with shock yet a burning flame in my mind and soul.

The morning after – I left the house and called in sick. I needed some time away and a proper detachment to clear my head (read: sleep or cry when I am awake, then drink and exercise my strength not to call him when all I wanted was to scream his name and tell him how much I despise him and love him still).

After I’ve managed to put together a few days without calling him, I’ve decided it’s time I picked myself up and figured out what was happening to me. To us. At the time, it was all so confusing, so mind boggling that it seemed like there was no way out. I wasn’t ready to let go, I’ve spent some of the best years of my life with this man. I’ve given him my soul, my body, my mind… I’ve surrendered my entire being to him and to me – that was more than enough a reason to try and fight this.

However, there was no one to talk to. I felt humiliated and pretty much in a dead-end. I mean, who could have I turned to and hope they would help? Nobody could understand what I was feeling.

The only thing that came to my mind was to try and Google it, see if there were any studies on this done, read through what the experts had to say. And, to my surprise, once I started Googling it, it turned out it was a rather common problem plenty a couple was dealing with. Not that I would ever want such a heartache on anyone but when I realized there were other couples in the same or similar jam as I was, I felt a relief. Not a relief because they were suffering, but because it meant I’d be able to find a solution for my situation. Who knew being bisexual hit so many marriages!

I knew I didn’t want to leave him but I was aware there will be something for him to stay happy and content. Something absolutely out of the box.

After reading articles and articles of people with similar experiences to mine, I’ve stumbled upon a reference that lead me to a company called Red Door escort agency which, I’d later find out, was a highly professional and trustworthy environment offering the best escort service and utmost pleasure. Apparently, it was highly ranked with so many couples trusting it for support and a solution. So I thought, I’ll go check it out, what’s the worst that could happen!

I’ve arranged the meeting thinking the sooner I get it over with, the better. On my way there, I was sweating, my brain was pulsating, my mouth was dry and I genuinely felt sick to my stomach with the whole situation I was going through. Was I really not enough?

Nonetheless, once I got there, a sense of calm overwhelmed me. I was blown away with professionalism and amicability of the people who welcomed me. Contrary to my expectations (I’d honestly expected a Red District situation), the atmosphere was warm and cozy, a dignified ambiance followed by an expert approach – what more could I ask for! I talked about my problem, and I immediately got several potential solutions with explanations on how things could go down. This immediately instilled me with confidence. I was on a meeting with people who knew what they were talking about and I loved it.

Well, does it mean we’re cheating on each other if we opt for your services? – I asked at some point.

Honey – she smiled – would you rather have the love of your life unhappy with his limitation to be who he is, embrace it entirely and then snap somewhere and cheat with some random person in a bar, only to then come home to you ashamed and disgusted with himself, or would you rather go on the ride together, fully supporting each other? To be blunt – no, you are not cheating. You are loving each other by doing this.

I was sold.

I left the Red Door and immediately called Michael. It was a mind-opening experience for me. I am ready to try and work it out and I may have found us a solution. When I went back home, I told him all about it. He was a bit skeptical and, to a point, we were both afraid it would break our marriage apart but I guess, it was only normal to be as overwhelmed as we were.

When we went there together at our first session, it was like the most thrilling threesome you could have ever imagined. I was given the option to watch and I did. I was in the room there with them, the girl he was with was super hot and looking at him desirably. Being wanted by that gorgeous woman, seeing him happy was immensely uplifting and stimulating for me! I was convinced there was nothing to be intimidated by. Other sessions, he went alone and later came home to me.

Risking it paid off and, guess what? We’re celebrating our 8th anniversary tomorrow, he is taking me dancing!

Of Pets & Relationships

The saying “love me, love my dog” may have some basis in reality: A new study suggests that pets can influence how we perceive potential dates.

kinsey intitute dogs At National Geographic, they posted a little article about the impact of pets on our love lives: How Your Pet Can Influence Your Love Life.

While NatGeo points to several studies and articles about the significance of pets in our lives, how they can be used to find potential dates, and the differences between dog & cat people, I was reminded of one thing I observed while escorting…

While you certainly do see and meet a lot of different types of people in sex work (and certainly, at my rate, more well-to-do types), one thing I noticed was the lack of pets that clients had in their lives. They had logical reasons for not having a pet: They worked long hours, they traveled too much, or otherwise felt they couldn’t commit to taking care of an animal. All solid reasons for not being “relationship material” either. But also, this all creates or adds to feelings of loneliness.

Sure, I did see my fair share of married men; and, like many Americans, this included, presumably, those with 2.5 kids and a Labrador in the fenced-in backyard. But those Labs must have belonged to the wife & kids. Or at least the clients must have felt that way. For if the Lab was truly his best friend, he likely wouldn’t have needed to see me so often.

Phone Sex Is An Art

In the February issue of Cosmo, Julianne Hough discusses the desire to keep intimacy alive in a relationship, including how difficult it is to talk dirty:

On her long-distance relationship and whether she and her fiancé have phone sex: “Oh, for sure. But I’m really bad at it … I’ll get halfway through and start laughing. It’s an art. I applaud people who are good at it. They need to come and help me keep a straight face!”

While I’d love to ponder how dreamy Hough might look while like masturbating during phone sex (and I’ll give you a moment to recover from the images in your mind too!), it may be more kind to offer Hough ~ and you ~ some tips on how to master the art of phone sex.

cosmopolitan-feb-16-julianne-hough-coverFirst, don’t worry what your face looks like. It’s phone sex; your partner can’t see you. (Plus, we all have orgasm faces ~ and we don’t worry about those once things get to that point!)

Second, it’s OK to laugh. It breaks the tension. Besides, giggles are often a part of hot sex.

Third, like anything else, talking dirty gets easier and better with practice. Whether you’re working with paint on canvas or words to make a sexy picture for your lover, practice matters. If you feel really uncomfortable starting out, why not practice with a pro? The folks who work at adult chatlines would be happy to lend you a virtual hand, assisting you while you work on the proper verbal strokes necessary to create your oral masturbation piece.

Male Entitlement is Lonely

We’ve been set up.

Thing is, women have been setup too, we’ve all been setup, and the more people figure it out, the more the people who haven’t figured it out get angry because we’re not getting what we’re supposed to, because the world has changed and women faster than men are changing meaning we’re getting left behind, but it doesn’t have to be like that.

If you’re listening to this and connecting to any of the frustrations I laid out above then know there’s a better way. Many women don’t need or want us to lay down our lives for them, they don’t want to be put on a pedestal and worshiped, they don’t want to be provided for… they just want to be people, and move with people that understand no one owes anyone anything… and that means us. If we want to be with someone, be with women, and be listened to, friends with, cared for, and loved by women, it needs to be a meeting of equals and a mutual meeting of minds, meeting of hearts, and yes… a mutual meeting of bodies.

Source: GPSC 011: On Jealousy, and a rant on Male Entitlement – The Gentleperverts’ Social Club

Seldom do I find anyone who sees things as I do, when it comes to men and women. I get so angry, frustrated and then hopeless. My own family don’t get it and they make me feel I’m wrong and that’s why I’m still alone.

But, I know I’m not wrong.

I want someone to be with – not to be with someone, like an appendage or a caretaker. As much as I want someone in my life I can’t accept what the men I meet are willing to give. It’s not enough, it’s self-centred and they don’t even see it! I want a partner in my life, a male partner. Why is it so hard for me to find a man who says he wants a life together and actually MEANS it?

One real date and I can see everything he said online was just giving me the party line (telling me what he thinks will work to get what he wants). Most of them I don’t even meet in person because I see it in their conversation through email, chat or whatever medium I find them in. Men will seem like real people and then become sex robots, all they can talk about is sex. What they want, how they want it and I don’t even know who they are yet! But, I’ve likely been offered a photo of his penis. I don’t want it.

I want a person, not quite an equal because we aren’t clones. I don’t mind a man with baggage (depending on how much there is – not more than I have myself).

Instead every day I just get angry. I try to shove it off. I try not to feel anything when I see all the male entitlement around every day, just about every where. Of course, the more I try not to see it the more I do see it. As I get older I only see it more clearly. It’s sick and twisted but I don’t blame all of it on men. Don’t think I’m bashing men just because they have this feeling of being first, entitled to being first and more important.

Society gives them the attitude, strokes them with it and whispers in their ear about how much power they have, how important they are and how they deserve to be first. I don’t think most men see it. I know a lot of women don’t because they would soon be wearing more clothes, for one thing, if they did.

I don’t feel like writing/ ranting any more. I’d rather be doing something else. You’re welcome to leave indignant, misguided, abusive and ranting comments. People love to show how right they are – as if anyone is listening. I’ll be reading a book.

actsingleTumblr: The Rules of a Gentleman

Dirty Talk: When Is It Masturbation, When Is It An Affair?

Over at Pulse.com.gh, “Ghana’s online news platform,” there’s some good old fashioned relationship fear-mongering: Warning!!! These 9 people likely to have an affair with your spouse.

The article should have just stopped at the subheading description advice of, “Keep good communication channels between the two of you, if there are problems in your marriage talk it out amongst yourselves, not to an an outsider.” Then things would have been rather sound. Good communication is one of the best ways to keep any relationship strong.

But instead, the staff writers opted to go into some stereotypical details about the titular types of people who are a threat to your marriage. Along with the usual suspects, such as the “old flame” and “the household help”, there’s one which makes me take a pause in my day & post this blog:

8. “The chat mate”
In this age of social media, many married people are sexting and having phone sex with chat mates. They are excited about going on phone to have naughty sessions with chat mates that they put no effort in their marriage. This is already wrong and it upgrades to a physical meeting with the chat mate to have sexual intercourse, the chat mate turns you on and you want the real sexual experience.

The solution? Be everything to you mate at all times, of course! Fulfill their every fantasy or entertainment need:

Protect your marriage from this by having phone sex and sexting with your spouse, not a chat mate. Use the phone to better your communication and sex life with your spouse, not to form wrong connections. Ask yourself, if you are really mature and serious about your marriage, will you be comfortable and proud if your spouse goes through your phone conversations?

What drives me nuts about this is the notion that in a healthy, loving, committed relationship, neither party is allowed any form of masturbatory experience.

What happens when sex drives are different? What happens when one person has a kink ~ or a vanilla fantasy ~ that the other person has no real interest in? What happens when your partner works a different shift than you do?

Dear World, are you honestly trying to tell me that people who love one another, people wish to remain together, can never ever masturbate on their own again?!

Uh, no.

dirty-talk-masturbation-or-affair-phone-sexRemember, masturbation is not cheating. It doesn’t matter if you do it by hand or with a toy. It doesn’t matter if you masturbate while fondly remembering the sex you had with your partner last week, or if you masturbate to written erotica or porno flicks. If masturbating to the sights of other people’s bodies is perfectly fine ~ and it is! ~ then why would it matter if you jacked or jilled yourself to orgasm while enjoying the sounds of other people’s voices? There are voices in those pornos too. What about recorded erotica? How different is listening to a dirty story than reading one off the paper yourself? And so what if the naughty stories you read aren’t published and available as an ebook download from Amazon but are the more ephemeral keystrokes made in chat rooms or on mobile phones? Either way, another person wrote those dirty words. (Ditto the writing, err, direction of adult films.)

Just how far away from the creator of those juicy ideas must you be in order to squirt or spray your load and remain faithful?

If your whole fear is based upon the notion that sexy fantasy playtime will lead to some sort of connection, that the situation will, as Pulse says, “upgrade to a physical meeting,” then why not go with the services of a pro?

In What’s Real, Who’s Fake, What’s Private? Truths About Virtual Sex Affairs, friend of the blog Secondhand Rose puts it this way:

This is why using professional services is so special and important. Even when things are not purely about the erotic adult entertainment, when things are more honest and friendly in those GFE companionship ways, sex workers know the professional line. Professional phone sex operators stay on the “entertainment” side; they not out to meet, let alone “get”, a man. I know none of the Peck & Call Girls will fall into such delusions or have such aspirations because, again, I have screened them myself. Yes, we may form relationships, intimate friendships; but we are neither falling in love nor encouraging clients to chuck the real world and run away with us. Our telephone and virtual affairs are completely safe this way.

See? Virtual sex is all about the masturbation ~ especially when assisted by professionals, i.e. sex workers. Paying for the services of a virtual sex assistant protects individuals from more than STDs/STIs. Phone sex operators & cam girls prevent emotional relationship creep too.

All that said, how can you tell if your mate is looking for more than some masturbation fun?

It’s pretty easy, really. Talk about it! Find out what sorts of masturbation materials your partner likes; let them know it’s OK with you. Share your own needs too. Set a budget and boundaries, if needed. Such acceptance diffuses any nervous, defensive, or ashamed feelings & related behaviors. Solo masturbation can honestly bring you closer together!

However, if you are concerned, here are some tell-tale warning signs:

* Your partner is not paying for their personal masturbation assistance.

* Your partner is paying, but it is for memberships at “cheating” sites like Ashley Madison or dating or hookup sites, rather than for sites like NiteFlirt and MyFreeCams (despite the name, there is money spent there; Kaylee Pond explains!).

* Your partner opts to spend more time with their entertainment than with you.

One very special way to deal with any suspicions is to simply ask your significant other if you can sit with them and enjoy the entertainment too. You could participate in a phone sex call or watch a cam show together. They could let you read chat room or sext messages. Reassure them by letting them know there’s wrong with a little mutual masturbation now and then. Reassure yourself that there’s nothing to fear here.

However, if there is a problem, talk about it. Seek professional help of another variety, if needed.

But stop assuming that masturbation with a professional guide is cheating or bad. …You know what happens when you “assume.” And I don’t need any help making an ass out of myself.

Hold The Phone! It’s Time For A Sex News Round-Up!

Sean Ferguson on phone Normally, I just curate/post all the short bits & bobs in sex news at Scoop.It; but as several recent stories seem to have connections & require more context and comment, here’s a sex news round-up.

To keep the phone idiom going, let’s start with phone sex news. Phone sex consultant, Lynn, was doing some research for a client and discovered that of all the countries in the world, the one from which the most (Google) searches for “femdom” and related fetishes is… (drum-roll) Syria! Talk about your cultural taboos & hypocrisy. The connections to the Arab Spring and current terrorist events are pretty obvious too. (While you’re there, you may wish to check out some of the rude things phone sex callers do to their PSOs. Shame, shame!)

Remember last year, when we talked about the whole “men like to mate when the weather is cooler” thing? Well, on the flip side, economists look at climate change (aka global warming), less sex, and what it may mean for the planet’s population.

No mention of climate change as the reason, but folks in Japan are having less sex. Well, at least they are having less sex with other people, anyway. For we know the Japanese are heavily into masturbating (all that JAV porn, tentacle porn, and other delicious Japanese weirdness) ~ and masturbation is sex. While we might suggest that all the fab Japanese kinky masturbation material is to blame for less interest in sex with a partner, experts say the systemic gender inequality is the culprit. And this so-called sexual apathy is going to fuck up the world economy.

The sexism in Japan may be horrible, but overall it is better than China’s general attitude towards women, where the single child rule has led to putting girl babies up for adoption ~ and female infanticide. Surprise! The pay off is a large gender imbalance, creating a plethora of “bare branches”, as the bachelors are called. One economist’s suggestion? Let men share wives. Note the patriarchal tone ~ including in the ensuing outrage. Who knows, perhaps matriarchy will be the result?

Matriarchy in China isn’t merely a matter of crossing one’s fingers and hoping either. Already, Chinese men are willing to dig deep and spend $2,500 on sex dolls, not only as a replacement for a female in their lives, but so as not to seek sex workers or otherwise commit adultery and anger their wives. No mention of women who may prefer sex dolls of their own.

Speaking of women and their power, anthropologist Dr. Sarah B. Hrdy has been studying the topic of female aggression. Yes, she found we have it. One of her statements, “that suppression of female sexuality is by women, not necessarily by men,” confounds a bit ~ as it rather suggests that women in a male dominated patriarchy aren’t compelled to comply to male standards.

However, in that same article, Dr. Christopher J. Ferguson, a psychologist at Stetson University, stated that research shows women are not so much affected by media images as they are by the appearance of peers and other women around them (even more so when men are in attendance). This rather supports what I wrote years ago ~ at least as far as the media images part goes. See: Body Image In Art, Porn & Media.

But Ferguson & others still seem to align with Hrdy’s position; i.e. that women act as “mean girls” to control one another. Ah, but since they repeat themselves, I will as well. Women are still living in a male dominated society and therefore will seek to survive and thrive under the paradigm of the patriarchy.

While I still have you on the line (Get it? I’m back to the phone puns!), I’d like to direct you to this article about virtual sex options (it also has excellent tips on privacy & safety for clients too).

Image Credits: Sean Ferguson at Temptation of Eve

You Can Call It “Sexism”, If You Want…

gold-diggers-of-1933Women are attracted to power and wealth, as this means good protectors and providers for offspring. Men are attracted to beauty as it is a sign of health and fertility, leading to offstpring. You can consider these facts to be sexist, but there’s biological hard-wiring behind them ~ and science to back it up.

If you’ve been wondering just how this impacts dating, including online dating, there’s a study for that too. And this new study, published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, also backs up the biological facts we’d often like to dismiss as superficial and sexist.

As Justin Lehmiller reports for Playboy:

Evolutionary theorists have long argued that men and women look for different things when choosing a long-term partner because they face different reproductive costs. The basic argument is that men tend to look for women who are healthy and fertile, while women tend to look for men who can provide. As a result, men tend to be a little more focused on looks and women on status and wealth.

The researchers therefore predicted that online personal ads placed by women would receive more replies to the extent that they emphasized physical attractiveness. Likewise, they expected ads placed by men to receive more replies if they focused on professional success.

The researchers correctly predicted the study’s findings:

As expected, the women presented as thin and attractive received significantly more replies from male suitors than women who were described any other way.

Women presented as successful and ambitious received the second highest number of replies. Their response rate was significantly higher than the sensual/passionate and generic ads, which were essentially tied for last. Thus, both good looks and success increased the likelihood of a woman getting a reply.

What about the guys?

As expected, men who were described as successful received the vast majority of all responses, with the remainder being split about evenly between the attractive, hopelessly romantic and generic ads. Among men, success was the only trait linked to an increased likelihood of getting responses from women.

…These results tell us that men and women seem to respond to different things online, with ads emphasizing women’s looks and men’s accomplishments being the most successful.

Image Credits: Scene from Gold Diggers Of 1933.

A Review Of Jack’s Blowjob Lessons

Jack’s Blowjob Lessons by Jack Hutson, with Tanya J, boasts of being “The Worlds #1 Blowjob Guide.” No one knows what that means, exactly; or if it’s even true. The truth is, what is most known about this book is its sexist nature.

There’s that whole “submissive female serving dominant male” tone, a derogatory tone towards sex work, and the author actually bashes feminism. Such a sexism certainly temps folks to toss the baby out with the bathwater; many reviewers have.

But I also come from a marketing background. Smarmy as it is, Jack’s clearly aiming his book at insecure women, using threats to strike fear into their hearts. For Jack tells you, no matter how much you and your man may love one another, your relationship is at risk if you can’t give him good head. Your man will leave you. Or (presumably worse?) he may seek the services of a sex worker (in the book, he calls them “professionals”; on his website, he refers to them as “street hookers”). While I do wish women were more confident in themselves and their relationships than to fall for this sort of “man capturing” or “relationship saving” sort of thing ~ or just let the loser walk ~ there, sadly, is a hungry market for this. “Sex may sell” ~ but fear motivates actual purchases.

jacks blowjob lessonsThis is why I am trying to look past the sexism and other problems, and review the book’s contents to see if there’s anything worthy here… Just because Jack’s never had the pleasure of a feminist’s fantastic bj, it doesn’t mean you & your lover should miss such things.

The book focuses primarily on proper cock sucking attitude ~ including getting him to feel like a King, why “teasing is bad”, and rather role-play-esque blowjob “styles.” Also covered are Jack’s opinionated tips on positions; instructions on how to use hands, tongue, mouth, and other parts of your body to intensify his experience; dirty talk; and how to deep throat (with tips from a “former porn star” referred to as “Tanya J”).

Basically, the book outlines and walks you through the many options of the before, during, climax, and after of a providing oral sex to a man. There are some helpful tips and advice in here. However, due to the author’s whole “woman, submit to your man” thing, the tips can get lost… Honestly, the book almost reads like sex fantasy fiction for sissies, whose fantasies often seem misogynistic.

It is unfortunate that Jack makes the mistake of bashing feminists. And it is a mistake to believe we feminists can’t love cock or the humans attached to them. Just as it’s a mistake to believe feminists can’t be sexually submissive. (I am a feminist who loves cock, men, and being submissive!) Yes, there are some practical tips in the book, especially if you are trying to deliver a submissive cock-sucking performance or elicit a good face-fucking; but it’s difficult for even this submissive to read without feeling icky.

If you think you can overlook all the sexism, or are the sexually submissive sort (in general, or just wish to role play), and believe you can glean something from the tips, note the following: The book (stated as being a 160 page ebook; the PDF copy I was sent only has 154) is a pricey $47 & only available at the author’s website ~ but before I send you there, I should warning you that it has embedded video with audio that begins as the page loads. Here’s the site.

Also it is very important to mention that Jack doesn’t know jack about sexual health. So, if you are interested in this book, be wise and advised about STDs/STIs, use of condoms, sex in public places, and other related health matters.

As with all our reviews and/or sponsored posts, neither review product, payment, nor payment in kind affects the honesty of reviews or any editorial decisions.

Sex Fantasy Vs Reality: What’s “Sexually Normal” Anyway?

In July, the CDC released another study: Sexual Activity, Contraceptive Use, and Childbearing of Teenagers Aged 15–19 in the United States. Among the findings were the following highlights (as determined by moi):

#1

In the early teen years males were more likely than females to have had sexual intercourse. But the percentage of older teenagers who had sexual intercourse was similar for female and male teenagers.

That would mean that there’s a lot of gay sex earlier on; or that males tend to exaggerate their sexual lives to live up to some idea of what it means to be male, while females tend to downplay to fit cultural standards. Yes, that’s still happening.

#2

In 2011–2013, 44% of female teenagers and 47% of male teenagers aged 15–19 had experienced sexual intercourse; the percentage has declined significantly, by 14% for female and 22% for male teenagers, over the past 25 years.

While some credit the sex ed from physicians (which accompanies the HPV vaccine) as a sexual deterrent, others, such as myself, wonder how much honesty is going on in the reporting. Especially with media stories spreading panic about “the youth today” and their hook-ups and casual sex. Could it be, as suspected? That those cries about the sex-crazed youth of today is tantamount to talking about “kids today, with their blue jean dungarees and loud rock and roll music” ~ just something old cranky people bitch about when there are no kids on their lawns to yell at?

It might just be.

Don’t believe me or the CDC? Maybe you’ll believe journalist Rachel Hills.

In her book, The Sex Myth: The Gap Between Our Fantasies and Reality, Hills discusses how the supposed new sexual liberation (which one can obviously debate ~ especially if you are a woman or part of the LGBTQ community) is resulting in its own set of expectations, disappointments, and humiliations. Simply put, for Hill, the Sex Myth has changed from “we’re dirty if we have sex” to “we’re defective if we don’t do it enough or well enough.” And people are bucking under the pressures.

what-it-takes-TwitterDespite the New York Times Book Review referencing Hills position as “a smart argument against that strain of neo- or anti-feminism that would have women rebel against objectification by objectifying ourselves,” Hills position is more about the pressures we all put upon ourselves to have fantastic, mind-blowing, swinging-from-the-chandelier sex ~ and having it often ~ because we think everyone else is, and we’re freakish if we don’t.

Turns out, most of us aren’t. The collective “we” is neither freakish, nor having “all that great sex.” No matter our gender, orientation, etc.

Hills’ research for the book consisted of talking with 200 people, most of them between the ages of 16 and 32. For three years, Hill interviewed these 200 people, a group consisting of “men, women, gay, straight, trans people, people of different ethnicities and religions”, which Hill traveled throughout the United States, Canada, Australia, and the United Kingdom to speak with. Her findings indicated that she was not alone in feeling the need to embellish her sex life in terms of both quality and quantity.

In her interview with Hills, Alice Robb sums up the findings this way:

Sexual liberation, Hills argues, hasn’t liberated us from anxieties about living up to a sexual standard. We’ve simply replaced the fear of having too many partners with the fear of having too few—and in many ways, that’s just as damaging.

Perhaps what’s more enlightening than this discovery of trading one sexual tyranny for another, are radical notions of what sexual freedom really means.

In another interview, this time at the Chicago Tribune, Hills discusses her hopes with journalist Heidi Stevens:

We need a new way of speaking about sex,” [Hills] told me. “One that appreciates the role it plays in our lives without overhyping it as the most important thing.”

Those choices might include abstaining altogether.

“A new brand of sexual freedom will incorporate the right not to do it as much as the right to do it,” Hills said. “What I’d really like to see is a world in which people aren’t shamed for liking nonconventional sex acts, for being kinky or polyamorous, for being vanilla and monogamous, for being a virgin, for having sex once and then going months or years without having it again. Basically, I’d like to see the weight attached to sex lightened so we could make the choices that are actually right for us.”

Sounds like Hills is taking a page right out of Alain de Boton’s book, How to Think More about Sex ~ a page directly from the introduction, to be precise:

Despite being one of the most private of activities, sex is nonetheless surrounded by a range of powerful socially sanctioned ideas that codify how normal people are meant to feel about and deal with the matter.

In truth, however, few of us are remotely normal sexually. We are almost all haunted by guilt and neuroses, by phobias and disruptive desires, by indifference and disgust. None of us approaches sex as we are meant to, with the cheerful, sporting, non-obsessive, constant, well-adjusted outlook that we torture ourselves by believing other people are endowed with. We are universally deviant – but only in relation to some highly distorted ideals of normality.

Typically when people talk about whether sex is “normal” or not, the focus is on the acts themselves… Fetishes, kinks, BDSM, etc. And who we do these things with (married, strangers, multiple partners, sex workers, etc). Even how we look. But it turns out, there are a lot of people worried about how often they are having sex ~ and not just in terms of “too much,” and so-called sex addictions, either. All these pressures should cease. They key to free love is to let it be free.

As Hills said:

If someone makes a joke about a certain way of life being freakish or loser-ish, we can speak up and say, “Actually, plenty of people do that and it’s fine for them.” We can all do our part to shed light on the truth and call people in instead of calling them out.

Like the Peck & Call Girls, I just hope the subject of masturbation, solo and mutual, is included in all of this acceptance as well.

Image Credits: Ironic use of the judging & humiliating phone sex FemDom Not Your Angel (aka @TrailerTrashGrl) of Clit Orations.

How To Get ~ And Keep ~ Those Blind Date & First Date Conversations Going

sex-worker-q-and-a-at-skOur Sex Worker Q & A Dating Series continues, this time with advice on talking your way through that blind date or first date more comfortably.

You’ll likely notice that the tips our team of dating experts share here are excellent companions to those pointers on how to deal with dating jitters.

(It shouldn’t be a surprise ~ these sex-perts are, after all, professional companions!)

Awkward silences are the worst. How do you get ~ and keep ~ a date talking?

Secondhand Rose (a former escort, presently offering custom erotica and virtual companionship via text and telephone):

I’ve never really had difficulty getting a person talking. It’s all about being interested, and I’ve always found people interesting! Let your curiosity lead the way, within polite reason, of course. Express genuine interest. A soft smile with a reassuring hand placed on their shoulder or arm now and then works wonders too.

Kaylee Pond (a cam girl specializing in nerdy, geeky, cosplay fun):

Find a subject that they’re passionate about that interests you, too!

Claire Keeler (an independent sex worker and award winning photographer, working on a photographic essay called Whoretography):

Ask them about themselves. People love talking about themselves. People are fascinating, we all lead interesting lives. So ask opened ended questions they can’t answer with a “yes” or “no”.

Angela St. Lawrence (a phone sex operator specializing in erotic fetish and sensual debauchery):

Ask questions. Who are his favorite authors? Is he from the area? College? Where? Pets? Where is his family? Career? Movies?

But don’t forget to talk about yourself in the midst of this, or he will feel like you are interrogating him and that is not good!

“Alice” (a sex worker with 17 years experience in erotic services and activism):

I am a question machine. It is difficult to come up with follow up questions, but they are the key to sustained conversation. I don’t just ask, “So what’s this trip about on Friday?” I also ask, “Do you enjoy working with the people you’ll see there?” “Do you have any favorite places in that city?” etc.

Goddess Audrey Rae (a Femdom and fetish clip girl, camgirl, and occasional phone sex operator):

I’m not much of a small talker, so I tend to make sure I know a few things about them to talk about first. Or take the first date as an opportunity to play 20 questions! This is a totally new person, you have an entire life time to learn about them!

Holly (a full service independent escort and, sometimes, brothel worker):

I tell stupid jokes lol. I try to get to get them laughing.

Addy Finch (an independent sex worker specializing in transgender/transsexual companionship):

Avoid yes/no questions and focus on open-ended ones, such as, “How did you wind up in your career?” and “What do you like about where you live?” If they’re still clamming up with really short answers, bounce back with your own answer to the same question. Hopefully your date will find something in your answer to latch on to. Once they get going on something, focus your questions there to encourage their passion. Smiling, nodding, and looking interested will go a long way toward making them want to develop their answer for you.

A Slip Of A Girl (a phone companion specializing in sissies, crossdressing, and other lingerie fetish work):

When you do receive a short response, share your own answer and elaborate a bit. For example, “I didn’t like that movie either, because…” Then pause for your date to add their thoughts. I think often, out of nervousness, people make the mistake of not pausing enough. To keep it a conversation, not a monologue, don’t carry on too long with your answers. And, if they have not already addressed the issue, add a friendly “And you?” at the end to encourage them to share their thoughts.

DiQld (an independent BBW escort):

Really bad awkward silences may be a tell tale that it is not the right person at this time. Say thank you, admit it isn’t working, and part friendly.

What subjects are best to avoid ~ at least at first?

“Alice”

Honestly I think there should be two categories: “Things I Notice My Date Wants to Avoid” and “Things I Will Not Discuss”. The second list I make before I leave the house. The first list is evolving as the date goes.

Kaylee

I’d likely avoid getting too deep into things on the first date, just keep things light and have fun.

Addy

Anything that can be controversial that you yourself aren’t willing to end a date over. For me, these tend to be politics and religion. I’m informed well enough, but, outside of a few issues, they absolutely aren’t hills I’m going to die on. Indifferent about urban/suburban divides, gentrification, and class/race warfare? Not worth it. Don’t care one way or the other about Israel/Palestine? Don’t touch it. However, if it’s absolutely mandatory that your date agree with you that German potato salad is better than Italian potato salad, though, then ruining a date early by emphatically advocating for mayo isn’t necessarily worse than getting roped into a second date.

Angela

Income, politics, sex, religion.

Claire

Politics, religion, ex partners, and sex.

Holly

Politics, marriage, how much money they earn.

Di

The date you had last night!

Slip

Other than past relationships, I don’t think anything is taboo… Sure, some topics are more controversial than others. But those may be either deal breakers or deal makers for you, or your date. So if it’s a “need to know” for you, ask about it. But then be prepared for your date to exercise their right to pass on answering this early on.

If your date asks you something you aren’t willing to share just yet, how do you handle that?

Audrey

I tend to answer vaguely and change the subject; or just change the subject if need be! If they aren’t a jerk, they’ll figure it out and drop it.

Claire

A simple, “Once we get to know each other we can share my thoughts about this.” It’s not okay to feel forced into discussing something you are not willing to share. If he does not respect that, then that’s a pretty surefire way to tell what he will be like in a relationship.

Angela

I don’t share. Period.

Di

Ask them a question back. Like, “Why?”

Holly

I’ll say, “Next!” Then laugh and then ask them a question.

“Alice”

If I’m trying to relax my date, I’ll flirtatiously say, “You don’t know me like that yet,” and then change the subject. Most people will follow this “out” because they don’t want to start a confrontation.

If someone is bugging me for something, whining and asking why I won’t just share myself with them, I am pretty strict about setting boundaries. I point out that I’ve already said the convo needs to change, and that they need to practice respecting my boundaries. Right now.

Slip

If they persist or insist, I’ll ask them why they really need to know that now. Usually they’ll accept that as a pause to wait and see how things go before bringing it up again. However, if it is something they feel they need to know, then I’ll either answer it honestly — or take it as a cue that this isn’t going to be a good match.

Addy

Usually I’ll answer vaguely or pretend I misunderstood their question to mean something else. If they persist, it’s always okay to simply say that you’re not comfortable talking about that yet and ask if you can change the subject. Leave the door open to talking about it in the future, and hopefully that should satisfy. If they won’t respect your boundaries on something that minor, quite honestly you should pretty directly end the date anyway.

Yes, there’s still more dating tips on the way! Stay tuned!