Good Parenting

Vanessa Fuchs, proprietress of adult store Sassy Sensations, shares a story:

Fifteen years ago, a visibly uncomfortable woman came into one of her stores looking for help. But she wasn’t there for herself; she was looking for a sex toy for her daughter that would allow her to experiment with her sexuality in a safe way.

“To tell you the truth, I had tears in my eyes. The other customers who were walking around and overheard, had tears in their eyes,” says Fuchs. “I said, ‘You’re amazing. I admire that you don’t feel comfortable in a store like this, and yet you came for the benefit of your daughter.’”

Now that’s sex positive parenting.

Stop Spitting On That Asshole, Fucker

Not to be too anal… We do mean this post title quite literally; but since we’d never advocate for spitting on persons one might call (or wish to call) an asshole, if you’re doing that, you should stop that too.

Bill Bailey fucks Asian-American coed Yhivi in the assWe all know those porn scenes where the dude spits on the girl’s asshole before plowing into it. Or he makes the girl suck his cock, getting it all wet with drool, before he fucks her in the ass.

This is done a lot in BDSM fantasy porn, especially in spontaneous gang-bangs, public humiliation sex, etc. ~ the story being, “Who would think ahead and bring the lube?” Truthfully though, this use of spit as lube for anal sex is done in gay, lesbian, bi, queer, and all sorts of other porn, erotica, and real world sex too ~ whether the plowing is done by a cock, sex toy, or some other object. (And we shouldn’t forget about the spittle involved in masturbatory anal play too.)

man spits on man's asshole gay pornHowever, according to the results of a study recently published in the Sexually Transmitted Infections journal, using saliva for anal sex is a real risk factor for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) or sexually transmitted infections (STIs), like rectal gonorrhoea.

While this study focused on men who have sex with men (MSM), it’s important for all to note the study’s findings:

Almost half of rectal gonorrhoea cases may be eliminated if MSM stopped using partner’s saliva for anal sex.

That’s a pretty damn significant finding.

Especially as the National Center for Biotechnology Information (NCBI) reports that several STIs which were once thought to be on the verge of extinction have recently reemerged ~ and this change is thought to be partially related to an increase in STIs of the anus and rectum.

Goddess Sonyas Ebony Mistress spits in subs assWise ass-fuckers, and the smart-asses ~ err, smart owners of the asses which are drilled, know that lube is vital for anal sex.

A) Rectums do not self-lubricate.

B) The tissue inside the anus is far more delicate than regular, external skin, as our external tissue has layers of dead cells which serve as a natural protective barrier against infection.

Thus, anal sex without lubrication can result in chafing and even tearing of the rectal walls. And even the smallest micro-tears and abrasions can increase the risk of STD/STI transmission, including HIV. Which means that long after your asshole feels better, or is back to normal, you might still have health problems. As the NCBI notes, many anorectal infections go undiagnosed for so long simply because people are asymptomatic (show no symptoms).

messy_anal_spit_pornYet, many people feel that saliva is “good enough” as a lubricant for anal sex. It’s not. It is neither thick enough to really cushion (poor viscosity), nor is it long lasting enough for the “slip” to last. So it is poor protection. Plus, saliva has its own health issues.

Sure, most of us realize that we have dirty mouths. I don’t just mean dirty sex talk pouring from our lips, but the fact that our mouths are not the cleanest places. Far from it. Human mouths are warm, wet inviting places… Inviting to far more than our lovers too; our far-from-sterile mouths are inviting to bacteria. Anywhere from 500 to 1,000 different types of bacteria are living and reproducing in our mouths. However, since we French or open mouth kiss, we rarely consider how saliva transmits diseases. Butt but it does, even in anal sex.

Hence the need for specific lubes for anal sex, especially gel versions. Lubes and lubricated condoms are not just for that erotic slick-feeling, for arousal or comfort, or birth control, you know; lubrication is also for tissue protection.

tanya tate spitting into a girls ass lesbianHowever, this does not mean that those of you who have spit fetishes, humiliation needs, etc. can’t continue to hock or receive that loogie, at least every now and then. Nor should you worry about using a bit of spit to ease a warm-up finger in, or the safety of saliva when rimming.

For the study concluded spit in the rectum is not inherently bad:

Receptive rimming and fingering or penis dipping were not statistically associated with rectal gonorrhoea.

What this study shows is that it’s far healthier to use personal lubricants than to rely on spit for penetrative anal sex ~ and, technically, man-on-man penis-in-the-ass sex. However, I wouldn’t count on my gender saving my ass.

You can still use spit for a bit of foreplay and, carefully, for fetish fun too. Just count on some properly selected anal lube for the real ass-fucking fun.

And, of course, don’t forget the condoms and other safe sex practices in general when you and/or your partner(s) are not monogamous, are untested, etc. Is it better to be safe than sorry? You bet your ass it is.

Image Credits: In the order they appear… Bill Bailey & Yhivi in Anal Young’uns 4 (yes, he does spit on her asshole first in the flick!); Edji Da Silva and Tyler Wolf from Popping D.O.’s Cherry, Audtions 48 (Lucas Entertainment also makes a lube!); Goddess Sonya’s Ebony Mistress Theater at Ethnic Kink;  Alysha Rylee, Melody Jordan, & Mike Adriano in The Spit and The Speculum 2; Tanya Tate spitting into some woman’s asshole, unknown film/work via.

Creepy & Complex Sexual Discussions In The News Part Two (Trigger Warning)

It wasn’t until David Bowie passed that I heard about how he had slept with an underage girl.

At the age of 15, Lori Mattix was a self-described groupie in the 70s ~ a groupie who lost her virginity to David Bowie. Last November, in an interview at the Thrillist, the adult Mattix seemed fine about it. Even when Thrillist reporter Michael Kaplan pressed her about it, she seemed dreamily happy, gushing, “Who wouldn’t want to lose their virginity to David Bowie?”

Mattix’s stories of her groupie years, deflowering, and age have varied over the years ~ which is not stated here to cast doubt on her claims, but to point out that she clearly hasn’t viewed her sexual activities with Bowie (or others) to be rape or anything remotely close to it. But, as told in the Thrillist piece, Mattix was a minor and Bowie was not. So even with Mattix agreeing and desiring to have sex with Bowie, her age removes her legal ability to consent. This would make Bowie guilty, ethically if not legally, of statutory rape.

Yes, I know; we all took David Bowie’s death pretty hard. But I’m not posting this about Bowie per se…. I mean, sure, there are definitely implications and conversations we should be having regarding celebrities and abuse. And we do have some consumer power we can wield. But the real issues I am looking at in this conversation are the rights of young people to have any sexual autonomy, who decides who is victimized, and how autonomy and victimization impact one another.

While there are laws that specify ages at which a person is “adult enough” to legally consent, even those which outline what sorts of authoritative relationships render sexual acts as abuse, we all know that there is no magic age at which every person automatically becomes a mature adult. It’s clear ~ or damn well ought to be!~ that infants and young children are not in any sort of position to make decisions about their sexual lives, outside of masturbation, anyway (which is why the “part one” post is so upsetting). But at what point do we give young adults the power to make decisions about their own bodies and sexual needs?

At Medium, Jes Skolnik, survivor of child sexual abuse, writes poignantly about the Bowie situation from her point of view:

[Mattix] does not view herself as a victim. This does not excuse the fact that Bowie had sex with her when she was underage, but we need to allow survivors the ability to define our own realities and speak our own experiences. We can believe it was on him, as the adult, not to have sex with her, and we can understand the context for his actions without excusing them.

I had sexual contact with a lot of men inappropriately older than me when I was 13 and 14. 22, 23, 24, 25, 26-year-old men. Sometimes I initiated it; sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I felt coerced; sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I was forcibly raped. Sometimes these men used the power that they had as musicians I admired to appeal to me. Sometimes I was manipulated. Sometimes I wasn’t. I wanted to be loved; I wanted to be desired. I felt that sex was all I had to offer. This is clearly based on my own history as a survivor of child sexual abuse. You learn early on how to be used, how to offer yourself. That is what grooming does.

Were these men ethically wrong? Yes.

Do I feel that I was abused? Only in the situations where I felt forced or coerced. Which, again, was not all of them. Some of those relationships, even with uneven power dynamics involved, felt real, and mutual, and loving. I look back on them and don’t know how to feel about them. They are part of my life.

Were they pedophiles? Some of them. Some of them had a history of going after inappropriately young girls. Some of them didn’t. Some of them found themselves with me as an anomaly. Not everyone who commits statutory rape is a pedophile, someone who seeks out such encounters and has a significant pattern of doing so.

Others, including Mistress Matisse & Alex Morgan, added to the story on Twitter, addressing the issues of age, consent, and victim’s rights:

When does a child become adult enough to consent?

In some cultures and points in history, a girl was considered a woman when she began her menstrual cycle… Of course, with today’s diet, toxins, and changing parenting styles, adopting such a stance would make some six year old girls legal adults. And what about boys? When would they be considered adult men?

Do two fumbling 14 year-olds having sex make it less abusive simply because neither of them can know better under the law?

We should all seem able to agree that a victim’s opinion matters ~ but even there, people disagree. Many voice the “If she was too young to consent, she was too young to know better at the time ~ and whatever her memory of the event, it is permanently flawed by her age and trauma” sentiments.

These are complicated ideas, fraught with strong feelings. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be struggling with them. On the contrary. We should endeavor to struggle through these nuanced issues because of the strong feelings evoked.

In a rather odd way, even after death, Bowie continues to challenge us, make us take a look at what rules ought to be bent or broken.

Creepy & Complex Sexual Discussions In The News Part One (Trigger Warning)

Recently, The Atlantic covered the story of Shin Takagi and his company, Trottla, which produces life-like child sex dolls. Yes, you read & understood that correctly; Takagi produces life-like child sex dolls for pedophiles.

Takagi believes, though there is no data to support this, that by offering such dolls he is “helping people express their desires, legally and ethically.” Others, such as Peter Fagan from the John Hopkins School of Medicine, are skeptical and believe that contact with Trottla’s products would likely have a “reinforcing effect” on pedophilic ideation and “in many instances, cause it to be acted upon with greater urgency.” However, it should be noted too that the research Fagan cites to support such conclusions is based on offenders, leaving it unclear as to whether the effects would be different for non-offenders.

While Takagi and Trottla have been selling the dolls for over a decade, the controversial dolls are news to many. [Don’t worry, I won’t be showing you any of these dolls. It’s not just because Trottla’s website forbids reproduction of the images, “including the news,” but because they do more than creep me out. They make me ill. I won’t even link to Takagi’s website. For more info, see this Vice interview with Takagi from 2013 ~ when he insisted they were not sex dolls.]

One of the most outspoken and strident voices on Twitter to these dolls was Domina, and fetish Goddess, Vivian Martin. Among her choice tweets was this series on the entitlement and lack of self-control men have regarding their sexual urges ~ and how best to handle such things via castration:

Normally, I’m all for sexual fantasy play ~ but in this case, I’m with Martin.

Babies & children have no ability to give consent and creating sexual gratification devices in their image is more than unsettling. As the article in The Atlantic states, there is little study in this area. Until then, shouldn’t we all err on the side of sanity, if not caution? And, as Martin points out, why would it be legal or acceptable for a man to even role play his sexual urges with minors? This at a time when women’s rights to reproductive health and sexual autonomy are so limited?

This is enough to digest for now, leave comments if you are able; stay tuned for part two…

You’re 7 Days Behind…

30-day-masturbation-challenge-anna-sudit-opener-02You, yes you, are seven days behind if you want to take Refinery29’s 30-Day Masturbation Challenge.

This challenge is about more than self-pleasure; it’s a self-improvement challenge, using sex ed to improve your sex life. But we’re fine with it just being about masturbation. And I’m OK with doing it more than once a day too. Even if I started on time ~ even when the month, and the challenge, ends.

Traveling With Kids This Holiday? Be Prepared! (Or, It Doesn’t Matter What Gender Your Kids Are, You Should Be Present)

Since we’re always trying to make your life better, here’s another classic holiday helpful from Sex Kitten.

This tip is a great reminder to prepare yourself for what can happen during holiday travel. It doesn’t matter if you are flying across the country, just driving ten minutes, or if you are going over the river & through the woods to grandmother’s house; if you have kids along, be prepared from unexpected, perhaps even unseemly questions. Don’t take my word for it; look what happened to Bryanne Salazar:

My sons and I were in the car driving home from Target, when my oldest, then 12, asked, “Hey mom, do girls actually have orgasms?”

Thankfully, Salazar was alone with her boys in a car; this sort of question cause additional discomfort on a fully packed 747 when your worries include being overheard by everyone from sexually frustrated frequent fliers, prudes, and parents who are protective of their own youngster’s sex education.

girls-orgasmsAs with most parenting issues, it is easy to say “be prepared for the unexpected” ~ less easy to know how to be prepared for what you are not expecting. However, in this case, Salazar would have been better prepared ~ or even avoided this whole situation ~ if she has simply been present for the sex ed conversation her husband had had with her kids. But she ducked out of that one, playing the gender card, believing men should teach boys about sex.

Salazar doesn’t mention how old her boys were; but I’m of the opinion that if boys are ready to hear about male orgasms, including how to clean up after one, they ought to be told about female orgasms. And vice versa.

Sure, female orgasms are a lot more complicated, which adds to the length of the sex talk. But perhaps if all children learned about female orgasms, those orgasms could be a lot less complicated. And achieved more often.

Image Credits: Lefteris Heretakis.

Merry Clitmas, Everyone!

My greedy little femdom findom friend, Angel, alerted me to these beauties from Penelopi Jones.

the clitoring clit ring

Handmade of precious metals in New York City, the collection consists of rings, pendants, and earrings. And, yes, that is a cit you are seeing ~ in fact, this jewelry is an anatomy lesson:

This provocative little anatomical form, mysterious yet oddly familiar, is a subtly stylized representation of a thing we all know, yet may know surprisingly little about. Until very recently both science and culture have misunderstood and often ignored all but the very tip of it. Our jewelry is inspired by the form of the newly rediscovered full internal clitoris. The sensitive little button at the top of a woman’s vagina is apparently just the tip of the iceberg. What lies beneath the surface is vastly more complex and fascinating. It contains eight thousand nerve endings at its tip that permeate throughout the vulva suggesting that even vaginal orgasms are technically “clitoral.” Over a lifetime a clitoris can increase in sensitivity and size seven times. The armlike appendages are the the “crura,” they form a wishbone-like shape that we like to think of as a tuning fork, a device for sending and receiving vibrational energy, possibly for exploring the resonant structure of the universe.

PenelopiJones has hand crafted these jewelry objects as a fun and elegant conversation piece to help you illustrate to your lovers and friends a greater understanding of the miraculous structure of the internal clitoris. May it serve you as a talisman for extraordinary orgasms!

And you can take 15% off of sterling silver rings and pendants until December 28th with promo code clitsmas.

Keep up with other deals and news from P on Twitter at @penelopijones.

I Just Want To Say How Terribly Disappointing It Is When Porn Stars Say “Squirting Is Pee”

WoodRocket asked female porn stars, “Is squirt pee?”

My first reaction to the very first porn star that said female ejaculate is pee made me quite angry. It is not pee.

But then, as some explained, there are porn stars who don’t squirt (so they likely do not educate themselves?) and others admit that some girls are drinking so much water that they force themselves to pee and porn producers market the films as squirting (including, sometimes, to get around censorship issues).

But again: squirting is so not urine.

And saying that because female ejaculate “comes out of the same hole” that a woman pees out of is stupid; does anyone actually confuse the two liquids that come out of “the same hole” on a man?!

Repeat: Female ejaculate is not pee.

If any doctor tries to tell you otherwise, just remember this: They just discovered the clit in 2009 and are debating whether or not the G-spot is real, so how can we expect them to know anything about female ejaculation?

All this said, I won’t be an idiot and insist every woman can or even wants to squirt. Or that some aren’t peeing; like April O’Neil says in the video, even if you ladies do pee during sex, “Whatever makes you feel good, if that happens when you orgasm and that makes you feel better, fucking go for it.”

Women’s bodies, and minds, are more complicated than that. We are blessed to be able to orgasm in a myriad of ways. And should your clitoral orgasms be so awesome that you don’t want to bother with anything else, I’m completely fine with that. It’s your body, dammit! But if you are interested in squirting, get a copy of Deborah Sundahl’s book. And for more info ~ with real squirting action ~ see Squirt Salon.

Uncensored version of WoodRocket video is here.

A Review Of Jack’s Blowjob Lessons

Jack’s Blowjob Lessons by Jack Hutson, with Tanya J, boasts of being “The Worlds #1 Blowjob Guide.” No one knows what that means, exactly; or if it’s even true. The truth is, what is most known about this book is its sexist nature.

There’s that whole “submissive female serving dominant male” tone, a derogatory tone towards sex work, and the author actually bashes feminism. Such a sexism certainly temps folks to toss the baby out with the bathwater; many reviewers have.

But I also come from a marketing background. Smarmy as it is, Jack’s clearly aiming his book at insecure women, using threats to strike fear into their hearts. For Jack tells you, no matter how much you and your man may love one another, your relationship is at risk if you can’t give him good head. Your man will leave you. Or (presumably worse?) he may seek the services of a sex worker (in the book, he calls them “professionals”; on his website, he refers to them as “street hookers”). While I do wish women were more confident in themselves and their relationships than to fall for this sort of “man capturing” or “relationship saving” sort of thing ~ or just let the loser walk ~ there, sadly, is a hungry market for this. “Sex may sell” ~ but fear motivates actual purchases.

jacks blowjob lessonsThis is why I am trying to look past the sexism and other problems, and review the book’s contents to see if there’s anything worthy here… Just because Jack’s never had the pleasure of a feminist’s fantastic bj, it doesn’t mean you & your lover should miss such things.

The book focuses primarily on proper cock sucking attitude ~ including getting him to feel like a King, why “teasing is bad”, and rather role-play-esque blowjob “styles.” Also covered are Jack’s opinionated tips on positions; instructions on how to use hands, tongue, mouth, and other parts of your body to intensify his experience; dirty talk; and how to deep throat (with tips from a “former porn star” referred to as “Tanya J”).

Basically, the book outlines and walks you through the many options of the before, during, climax, and after of a providing oral sex to a man. There are some helpful tips and advice in here. However, due to the author’s whole “woman, submit to your man” thing, the tips can get lost… Honestly, the book almost reads like sex fantasy fiction for sissies, whose fantasies often seem misogynistic.

It is unfortunate that Jack makes the mistake of bashing feminists. And it is a mistake to believe we feminists can’t love cock or the humans attached to them. Just as it’s a mistake to believe feminists can’t be sexually submissive. (I am a feminist who loves cock, men, and being submissive!) Yes, there are some practical tips in the book, especially if you are trying to deliver a submissive cock-sucking performance or elicit a good face-fucking; but it’s difficult for even this submissive to read without feeling icky.

If you think you can overlook all the sexism, or are the sexually submissive sort (in general, or just wish to role play), and believe you can glean something from the tips, note the following: The book (stated as being a 160 page ebook; the PDF copy I was sent only has 154) is a pricey $47 & only available at the author’s website ~ but before I send you there, I should warning you that it has embedded video with audio that begins as the page loads. Here’s the site.

Also it is very important to mention that Jack doesn’t know jack about sexual health. So, if you are interested in this book, be wise and advised about STDs/STIs, use of condoms, sex in public places, and other related health matters.

As with all our reviews and/or sponsored posts, neither review product, payment, nor payment in kind affects the honesty of reviews or any editorial decisions.

Sex Fantasy Vs Reality: What’s “Sexually Normal” Anyway?

In July, the CDC released another study: Sexual Activity, Contraceptive Use, and Childbearing of Teenagers Aged 15–19 in the United States. Among the findings were the following highlights (as determined by moi):

#1

In the early teen years males were more likely than females to have had sexual intercourse. But the percentage of older teenagers who had sexual intercourse was similar for female and male teenagers.

That would mean that there’s a lot of gay sex earlier on; or that males tend to exaggerate their sexual lives to live up to some idea of what it means to be male, while females tend to downplay to fit cultural standards. Yes, that’s still happening.

#2

In 2011–2013, 44% of female teenagers and 47% of male teenagers aged 15–19 had experienced sexual intercourse; the percentage has declined significantly, by 14% for female and 22% for male teenagers, over the past 25 years.

While some credit the sex ed from physicians (which accompanies the HPV vaccine) as a sexual deterrent, others, such as myself, wonder how much honesty is going on in the reporting. Especially with media stories spreading panic about “the youth today” and their hook-ups and casual sex. Could it be, as suspected? That those cries about the sex-crazed youth of today is tantamount to talking about “kids today, with their blue jean dungarees and loud rock and roll music” ~ just something old cranky people bitch about when there are no kids on their lawns to yell at?

It might just be.

Don’t believe me or the CDC? Maybe you’ll believe journalist Rachel Hills.

In her book, The Sex Myth: The Gap Between Our Fantasies and Reality, Hills discusses how the supposed new sexual liberation (which one can obviously debate ~ especially if you are a woman or part of the LGBTQ community) is resulting in its own set of expectations, disappointments, and humiliations. Simply put, for Hill, the Sex Myth has changed from “we’re dirty if we have sex” to “we’re defective if we don’t do it enough or well enough.” And people are bucking under the pressures.

what-it-takes-TwitterDespite the New York Times Book Review referencing Hills position as “a smart argument against that strain of neo- or anti-feminism that would have women rebel against objectification by objectifying ourselves,” Hills position is more about the pressures we all put upon ourselves to have fantastic, mind-blowing, swinging-from-the-chandelier sex ~ and having it often ~ because we think everyone else is, and we’re freakish if we don’t.

Turns out, most of us aren’t. The collective “we” is neither freakish, nor having “all that great sex.” No matter our gender, orientation, etc.

Hills’ research for the book consisted of talking with 200 people, most of them between the ages of 16 and 32. For three years, Hill interviewed these 200 people, a group consisting of “men, women, gay, straight, trans people, people of different ethnicities and religions”, which Hill traveled throughout the United States, Canada, Australia, and the United Kingdom to speak with. Her findings indicated that she was not alone in feeling the need to embellish her sex life in terms of both quality and quantity.

In her interview with Hills, Alice Robb sums up the findings this way:

Sexual liberation, Hills argues, hasn’t liberated us from anxieties about living up to a sexual standard. We’ve simply replaced the fear of having too many partners with the fear of having too few—and in many ways, that’s just as damaging.

Perhaps what’s more enlightening than this discovery of trading one sexual tyranny for another, are radical notions of what sexual freedom really means.

In another interview, this time at the Chicago Tribune, Hills discusses her hopes with journalist Heidi Stevens:

We need a new way of speaking about sex,” [Hills] told me. “One that appreciates the role it plays in our lives without overhyping it as the most important thing.”

Those choices might include abstaining altogether.

“A new brand of sexual freedom will incorporate the right not to do it as much as the right to do it,” Hills said. “What I’d really like to see is a world in which people aren’t shamed for liking nonconventional sex acts, for being kinky or polyamorous, for being vanilla and monogamous, for being a virgin, for having sex once and then going months or years without having it again. Basically, I’d like to see the weight attached to sex lightened so we could make the choices that are actually right for us.”

Sounds like Hills is taking a page right out of Alain de Boton’s book, How to Think More about Sex ~ a page directly from the introduction, to be precise:

Despite being one of the most private of activities, sex is nonetheless surrounded by a range of powerful socially sanctioned ideas that codify how normal people are meant to feel about and deal with the matter.

In truth, however, few of us are remotely normal sexually. We are almost all haunted by guilt and neuroses, by phobias and disruptive desires, by indifference and disgust. None of us approaches sex as we are meant to, with the cheerful, sporting, non-obsessive, constant, well-adjusted outlook that we torture ourselves by believing other people are endowed with. We are universally deviant – but only in relation to some highly distorted ideals of normality.

Typically when people talk about whether sex is “normal” or not, the focus is on the acts themselves… Fetishes, kinks, BDSM, etc. And who we do these things with (married, strangers, multiple partners, sex workers, etc). Even how we look. But it turns out, there are a lot of people worried about how often they are having sex ~ and not just in terms of “too much,” and so-called sex addictions, either. All these pressures should cease. They key to free love is to let it be free.

As Hills said:

If someone makes a joke about a certain way of life being freakish or loser-ish, we can speak up and say, “Actually, plenty of people do that and it’s fine for them.” We can all do our part to shed light on the truth and call people in instead of calling them out.

Like the Peck & Call Girls, I just hope the subject of masturbation, solo and mutual, is included in all of this acceptance as well.

Image Credits: Ironic use of the judging & humiliating phone sex FemDom Not Your Angel (aka @TrailerTrashGrl) of Clit Orations.